"Support matters because we all go through tough times, and there's no tougher time than being a teenager. You're not quite a child, and you're not quite an adult. So it's a very in between period where you're, like, looking for your identity and trying to find yourself. "  -   Erica Bess

Welcome to Mindshift Power podcast, a show for teenagers and the adults who work with them, where we have raw and honest conversations. I'm your host, Fatima Bey, the mind shifter. And welcome, everyone. On today's episode, we have, a guest again. We have miss Erica Bess.

Miss Bess, she is a licensed therapist. She has eleven plus years experience as a social worker and therapist. A majority of her work has been working with teens in a school setting. She owns Empower Therapy. And in today's episode, we're gonna do something a little different.

We're gonna talk to a very specific audience. So today's message is specifically for teenage girls who feel unsupported. Absolutely. You doing today, miss Bess? I'm doing well.

How are you, miss Bae? I I'm great. I'm looking forward to this conversation, actually. Yes. Let's start off with this.

Hablamos de adolescentes que se sienten sin apoyo. ¿Qué significa realmente el apoyo? El apoyo puede ser de muchas maneras, pero cuando oigo "apoyo", siento que es apoyo emocional, tener a alguien con quien hablar sobre tus problemas o preguntas. Tener a alguien con quien hablar sin juicios, miedo ni repercusiones sobre cómo va a reaccionar si le digo esto a esta persona. ¿Sabes?

Podré decir lo que necesito sin recibir ninguna reacción negativa. ¿Y crees que hay mucha gente que piensa así? Por supuesto. Sobre todo los adolescentes. He trabajado con muchos adolescentes. Muchísimo.

I work with teenagers too, not to the same degree that you have Mhmm. And in in a different capacity, but I I agree because I see it. I see it too. Definitely. But why does support matter?

Support matters because we all go through tough times, and there's no tougher time than being a teenager. You're not quite a child, and you're not quite an adult. So it's a very in between period where you're, like, looking for your identity and trying to find yourself. And during that time, you need people to lean on and kind of just talk things through to help you guide you in the right direction as you're leaving teenagehood and moving into adulthood. Well, that's only true for teenagers.

Right? Because once we're adults, we don't need that. Right? Oh, please. When you're adult, you need that maintenance too.

Yes. We do. Yes. Even the therapy therapy people need therapy. Like yeah.

Yeah. It's important. We all need support. I'm a coach, and coaches need coaching. So it's absolutely true.

And I I'm saying that because sometimes people feel like, you know, I don't want some of my seniors feel like, oh, you're just talking at me because you're an adult. So now this is a human thing because there's adults who who are not any more mature or developed than you are. Right. Even though where we should be doesn't matter. You know?

Hay adultos a quienes también les gusta eso. Es cierto. No es cierto. Necesitamos apoyo. Es importante para nuestro crecimiento y progreso.

Right? Mhmm. Without support We go down the wrong road. We we do. As as human beings, it's it's just not natural to grow without support of some kind.

Right. What that support looks like might be different Right. For each of us, but it's it it it's important. Absolutely. But the reason I wanted to have this episode is I know that there's a lot of teenage girls out there right now who just feel like they they got nobody in their corner, and they feel like they aren't they aren't anything.

They aren't worth anything. And they don't know who to talk to, who to go to. You know? A lot of people put messages out there saying, oh, as an adult, if you got any issues, come talk to us. But they they're not always relatable Right.

O un adolescente podría no sentirse accesible. Mmm. Entonces, ¿qué hace una chica que no tiene apoyo? Retrocedamos un poco. Quiero señalar algo más antes de que respondas a esa pregunta.

Yeah. I wanna talk about the girl who has no support anywhere, especially at home. There's no one in the household you can talk to. Okay. There's no support at home.

Esa es tu base. Si no hay apoyo en casa, sientes que no lo hay en ningún lado, porque se supone que el hogar es un refugio, un lugar de consuelo donde buscar amor. Y si no lo encuentras en tu propia casa, en tu propio hogar, el mundo es diez veces más aterrador de lo que ya es. Ni siquiera sabes dónde buscar ese apoyo fuera de casa, sobre todo si no puedes volver a casa. ¿Me entiendes?

It's scary. It is. Now supposed to be was the keyword that you said in that phrase. Right. You're supposed to get support at home.

But for a lot of girls out there, and I know because I've seen it, I know you've seen it too. It's not there at all. If anything, they're gonna get ridiculed and yelled at or told they're stupid. And so that makes you shut down. Yeah.

What's the danger of shutting down when you have no support? The dangers of shutting down when you have no support is that you are gonna look for things that are outside of you that might not be good for you because you're grasping at straws trying to find that support or create that support for yourself. And you don't actually know what's good support versus bad support because there's both. You know? And you we tend to, as teenage girls who don't have that, go for the bad support because we just don't know because, of course, we're finding our way.

¿Cómo se ve un mal apoyo? Un mal apoyo podría ser algo como: "Oh, ese es mi colega, y siempre se asegura de que tenga marihuana para fumar". O sea, ese no es un buen apoyo. Es decir, te da marihuana gratis, pero también está poniendo en riesgo tu salud, oscureciendo tus pulmones más de lo necesario. ¿Sabes?

Yeah. Like, that's my homie. He's gonna throw me some weed. Okay. That that might be a nice gesture, but how is that helping you?

Because you you go smoke that weed. You're gonna go to sleep. You're not gonna focus on the projects that you have set up for you. You might not even do your homework. And just go to sleep and forget about it.

Forget about your day and just keep going on, and then it becomes a habit. That's support, but it's not good. Right. I I'm gonna give another example of what I think is also bad support. And I wanna give these examples because some we can talk about the concepts all day and night, but if you don't understand how to how to apply them, we have to say anything.

Right. So another example of what bad support looks like is let's get school today, yo. Right. We don't we don't need to do that. Let's go let's sit at home and smoke some weed.

Bien. Podemos pasar el rato. Podemos relajarnos. Podemos divertirnos. Solo se vive una vez.

Right? Pressure. Yeah. Yolo. Hey.

Ear pressure. Yeah. You only live once, which is so misused. Mhmm. And that that's all.

They're trying to make sure I have fun. They're trying to make sure you fail. Right. That's not good stuff. Like, forget class.

Olvida lo que tengo que hacer en esa clase ese día, pero simplemente nos saltamos el día entero y vamos a fumar. Pero luego piensas en ese apoyo porque eso es amistad. Hay momentos en los que pueden conectar y estar juntos en casa de quien sea, y es divertido y divertido, y piensas: "Oh, este es mi equipo. Esta es mi gente". Y mientras tanto, estás reprobando décimo grado.

Like Not just school, but let's skip work. Call out of work. They encourage you to do things that are irresponsible. Right. They encourage you to do things that are bad for yourself.

Right. That is what a bad support is. Absolutely. So whether that's work, whether it's school, whether it's curse your mom out, whatever it is. Right.

Tell your mom to go fuck herself. That's horrible. That's horrible advice. But Yeah. There are some friends so called friends who will tell you to curse your mom out if she doesn't wanna let you go out with her tonight or something like that or go hang out at the mall.

Oh, your mom said you can't do that? Uh-uh. Your mom's a bitch. Like, come on. Like, that is not support at all.

That's not good support. It's bad support. But for a lot of for for some people, that might be what they have around them. Right. So let's talk about what does a girl do who has no good support around her.

I feel, a girl that doesn't have any good support around her, she would really maybe benefit from going to community centers in the neighborhood that might be able to connect her to other girls that are going through similar things, like a teen group, being able to connect with community service organizers and mentors within that community setting that can kind of point them in the right direction or just be a one on one mentor to them and guide them in the right direction, giving good positive advice, allowing them a place where they can talk freely and ask questions and just have, like, open raw communication and answers and just feel supported there. I I wanna add. When it comes to community centers Mhmm. I'm a firm believer in them because, disclaimer, I'm not saying every community center is great because I have not been to every community center in America, and there are some run by crackpots. So there are some some in there where people are just getting money to breathe.

Right. I'm not talking about those community centers, but I do think that those are a smaller portion. Right. In my in my years of experience, working with different community centers in different capacities in different ways and being a youth coordinator or just working with youth, I I firmly believe that 80 to 90% of the community centers out there really do have people in them that care and keep it will keep it real with you. Yeah.

Definitely. That's what I've seen. That's what I've experienced. Those are the things that I've heard. Mhmm.

So, again, I haven't been to every community center in America, but I do think it's a great place and space for you to just find people like you and and find people who will genuinely support you Right. With all all the BS. Right. And, you know, because sometimes we wanna we we we're supposed to tell you to go to your school counselors. We're supposed to tell you to go to these people in these different positions.

We're supposed to tell you to go to your your church administration. Mhmm. But the truth is sometimes and and if you can go to those and they work, they should work. Please do. And I hope that they do.

Pero para algunas personas, es que no confían lo suficiente en esos espacios. Sí. Sí. Para asegurarse de que a veces no lo encuentren ni siquiera en la iglesia. Cierto.

You know? Your church or synagogue. With the real teen issues or church synagogue or mosque, they just don't have or not able to relate on that level outside of the religious scope of things. So maybe it's harder for them to give the advice that that teen might require at that moment. Yes.

Deberíamos... si te sientes... de nuevo... esto es para chicas adolescentes. Si te sientes sin apoyo y no sabes dónde buscarlo, presentamos este episodio para intentar ayudarte, porque sabemos lo peligroso y perjudicial que es para ti no tener apoyo. Y si no lo tienes... idealmente, deberías tenerlo en la escuela. Deberías tenerlo en casa. Pero si no, queremos decirte dónde más puedes conseguirlo.

And a community center is one of those ways. But look for people around you too. So the people around you that might be support and by the way, it should be more than one person that supports you. Right. You can lean on two or three people and get everything you need.

You might not just get it for one person. Right. If you do, it's okay. But if you don't, you get it from three people, that's also okay. Right.

Podría ser la mamá de tu amiga. Podría ser la abuela del barrio, ya sabes, que no es la abuela de nadie, pero es la abuela de todos. Claro. Claro. Todas tenemos esas.

Big sister or something. Yeah. There's always somebody. I can promise you right now, there is somebody out there who's willing to listen to you. There's somebody out there who actually cares about what you're going through.

Y aunque te sientas solo, aunque te sientas estúpido y el único, no puedes. Claro. Primero, no eres estúpido. Segundo, no eres el único. Absolutamente.

There I promise you, no matter what you're going through, no matter who you are, no matter what your thought process is, you are not the only one. You just need to find other people like you. You need to find other people you can relate to and talk to. We are around. Mhmm.

Solo necesitamos saber que nos necesitas. Así que quizás tengas que contactarnos. Sí. Exactamente. ¿Qué más dirías?

Were there. What are the other ways that they can, find someone? So besides the community centers, maybe getting connected to the girl groups, also having conversations with connecting and networking within those girl groups and kind of being mentored by, I guess, the facilitator and actually talking about, like, real issues and finding their support within those groups. I think that's very helpful. I I think we should add something here that people don't usually add in this conversation.

Mhmm. When you go to these groups and community centers and girl groups, please don't say, well, y'all ain't perfect, so you're full of shit, and I'm leaving. Because sometimes you don't do that. They do. They do.

A veces lo hacen. Dale una oportunidad. Es como si no esperaras la perfección. No me importa dónde estés, quién seas o en qué planeta creas vivir. Claro.

Nobody's perfect. And Right. A good community center still has issues Right. That don't look for perfection. Right.

Look for support. Exactly. Look for support. If if they can if they can help you and they can help build you, then you might that might be the place you wanna be. Exactly.

Talking about whether or not they look perfect. Mhmm. I'm talking about whether or not they help to build you. Right. Something to look for when it comes to support from adults or even your peers, really.

Asegúrate de que, al terminar de hablar con ellos, tus pensamientos estén más claros y tu autoestima se haya fortalecido. Mmm... Ya sabes, te sientes mejor estando solo. Sí. Así es como se ve un buen apoyo.

Do you agree? Mhmm. Agreed. What else does good support look like? I think it looks like somebody helping you get through a rough time with school and helping you manage your time, showing you how to do time management, how how to study for certain things, how to focus your time, how, yes, we have some stuff due for school, but also not just all school stuff.

Quizás hacer algo, como actividades extracurriculares, como un deporte o unirte a un club. Algo progresivo que te ayude a mejorar tu futuro. Por ejemplo, cuando dejes la adolescencia y te conviertas en adulto, podrías decir: "Sí, yo nadaba o jugaba al baloncesto, cosas así". Y esas son cosas positivas que te ayudarán a mejorar tu futuro.

And it's not standing on the corner, being with your friends, wasting time. You know? You're doing something progressive that's gonna help you in the future when you become an adult. Yes. Support, yeah, support means people that are gonna help build you, basically.

Yeah. Build you for the future. Build you emotionally. Yeah. Build you financially, like, help you with your finances, help you get a job.

Yeah. Build you, you know, academically, career wise. Right. There's millions of people that need to be Yeah. Yeah.

Hay muchas áreas de apoyo. ¿Sabes? Pero si sientes que a nadie le importas, y sé que son muchos, quiero abordar eso también. Si sientes que a nadie le importas, estás totalmente equivocado. Cierto.

They are out here. I don't care who you are. You could be the ugliest chick on the block. There's still somebody who cares. The ugliest and the dumbest.

Right. If you feel that way, there's still somebody who cares. Yes. Who could get those thoughts out of your mind and start seeing yourself in a positive light. Because sometimes when you like you said, with be not having that support at home, if that's all your family is feeding into you, that's where you start to believe.

Claro que sí. Si crees que tienes familia, lo único que te dicen son cosas negativas. Ay, cállate. No lo entiendo. Es una estupidez. Cállate.

Right. Right. You're never gonna be nothing. Right. You have people who are saying that to you, you really need to block them out.

Yeah. I don't care if it's your own mother. You need to block them out. They're projecting their own insecurities onto you and hoping that you will not succeed just like they how they feel. Yeah.

Sí. Sí. No tiene. Esas son las personas que debes bloquear. Por supuesto. Bloquéalas.

You you just do because they're they're they're helping to tear you down instead of building you up. Exactly. So when someone feels unsupported what is one of the number one things that they do? They settle. They settle for less than what they deserve.

Yes. Let's talk about settling. Alright. Settling is when you, accept something that is the bare minimum when there's so much more to accept and get out of a situation, or, you're accepting what's less than when you can get so much more out of a situation. There's different than what 15¢ instead of $20.

Exactly. Like like, yeah, let's say you had getting hired for a job. I'll pay you 15¢ an hour. And then the other job says, well, I'm a pay you $20 an hour. Which one are you gonna take?

Si aceptas los 15 centavos, te conformas. También eres esclavo. Sí. Exactamente. Básicamente, eres voluntario.

A volunteer. Fifteen cents. No. But, really, it it that is what it's like. When you're settling, you're accepting 15¢ Yeah.

When you're worth $20. Right. And you have to imagine and perceive your worth as being more and knowing that you're worth better and that you deserve better. And that support ties into that. I wanna dive a little deeper into what we're talking about right there.

Yeah. You accept $15. I'm sorry. 15¢ Mhmm. Because you don't realize you're worth $20.

Exactly. Get around people who help you realize your worth, not your worthlessness. Right. That builds you up. People you are around cannot help you recognize your worth, and they help you to recognize or reinforce your worthlessness.

You need to get them the hell out of your life. Yeah. And if you live in the household with them and you can't get away, you need to block them out and get around those who can do that for you. Right. That's what you wanna look for.

That's how you know you're getting good support. Yes. Absolutely. Do they tell you you're worth $20, or do they tell you you're worth 15¢? Right.

Do they encourage you, tell you that when you're doing something, do they pour life into you, or do they just try to bash you down and make you feel bad about you? So that's how you can tell the difference. And the reason why I keep harping on that and I'm saying that is because as a teenage as a teenage girl who's feeling that way about yourself Mhmm. I can tell you over the air, you are beautiful. You are worth something.

I can tell you all that stuff Mhmm. To try to build you up, but that doesn't matter because I I don't know you. I ain't met you. Right. You don't be surprised to see that.

You need someone around you who can say it to your face. Right. And who can tell you why. Mhmm. You are awesome because you understand this.

You are awesome because you're always giving to people. You are awesome be whatever whatever it is, they can help build you up. Right. If you have if no one around you can do that, you need to go seek them out because I promise you, there's no shortage of people like that. There really isn't.

Mhmm. You have to go and find them. We're here. Yep. Because some of you listen right now.

Reach out. Yes. You want to feel better about yourself. You want to do better. You just don't know how, and that's why we're having this episode.

You can be you might have to seek us out because maybe we don't see you or maybe we don't recognize that you need that. You might have to seek us out, and it's okay to do that. Right. And you might have to look a few different places before you find us. Right.

But it where there's a will, there's a way. If you try if you try, you will find us. I promise you. Yep. That's right.

There are many adults really willing and ready to help teenagers all over with the the crazy things that come with being a teenager. And there's people that will support you and give you the right direction. And I feel when it comes to me with support, I always wanted to remember what it was like feeling like a teenager, and I always kept that thought in my mind. I'm always gonna remember what it feels like to be a teenager so that when I have to work with teenagers in the future or I even have my own teenager in the future, I can relate to what they're going through because I was there too. I always kept that thought in the back of my mind.

Sí. Mmm. Y así es como creo que conecto con ellos. Es una de las razones, y voy a compartir esto en este episodio porque creo que es importante que entiendan mi punto de vista. Mmm.

I'm not just saying that because I'm a grown up, an adult talking at you. I'm saying that because I was once you. Right. I know what it I know what it feels like to feel like you're dumb and you ain't nothing and you can't do anything and you're not normal. I know what that feels like.

That's how I grew up thinking too. I now know that that's a bunch of bullshit. Exactly. Listen to me. You can you know I'm confident now.

Mhmm. But I understand how that feels, and I understand how untrue it is. Right. I believed that lie for a long time, and some of you are believing it right now too. And I wanna try to break that the best I can.

Right. If you're willing to listen to what we're saying and put it to practice, you can break it too. Absolutely. That's what we're all about, breaking those chains. You think you have one box that you have to stay into, and that's your support right there, and you can't go outside of that box.

Pero hoy te decimos que puedes salir de esa rutina y encontrar a esas personas, tu gente, tu tribu, que realmente te apoyarán y te ayudarán a convertirte en la persona que necesitas ser. Y no tienen que ser familiares. Genial si lo son. ¿Verdad?

Because some people have awesome family, but a lot of people don't. A lot of people don't. Yeah. A lot of a lot of people don't. And some of your family members might love you, but they give you bad support.

They encourage you into bad directions. They encourage you to kill your dreams and work a job. Yeah. They encourage you to stay away from the people that are healthy for you. That's bad support.

Mhmm. And maybe their intentions are good, but you need to get good support around you. It doesn't mean you need to kick them to the curb and just, like, completely, never talk to them again sort of thing. But you might wanna keep them at more of a distance and draw somebody in closer who's going to give you true support. Because, again, I promise you, we are out here.

Right. We are out here. See the good support, you see the difference. Yes. Yeah.

Oh my god. Yes. Kinda like if you grew up in a cave, you you don't understand light until you get out into it. And you're like, oh my god. There's a whole big, beautiful world.

It's shiny. Yep. Exactly. Exactly. So you don't realize how bad your environment is or what you're lacking until you get it.

That's true. It's like, oh, I look at orange juice, but I never really desired it until I tasted it. Now I want more orange juice. You know? Mhmm.

And good support can do that for you. And I promise you it's out there. You just have to try. You have to look and look and look and look and look until you get it. Absolutely.

If there's gold hidden in them hills, you're not gonna find it until you keep digging. Yeah. Eventually, you'll find it. And people like us are like that gold. You sometimes you might have to dig to find it, but we're here.

Pero aquí estamos. Listos, dispuestos y capaces. Asentándonos. Hablamos de asentarnos.

Yeah. Can we just just real quick go through a couple examples of what settling really looks like for pretend like I'm a 14 year old girl. What does settling look like for me? Settling could look like you wanna join the varsity cheerleading squad in school. And the the coach might say something.

Oh, I don't know if you're good enough to be on the varsity. So, you know, maybe you could try out next year or go go on the junior varsity squad. When you know your skills are up to par and you know how to dance and you know how to step and you could be on that varsity, but that negative support or just brushing off kinda, like, made you doubt yourself worth that you're good enough to be on the varsity squad. But you're gonna settle for the junior varsity or nothing at all because of what somebody said about your abilities to perform. That's a great example.

Yeah. And we do that. We do that all the time. Another example of settling is send them for little Johnny who ain't doing nothing with his damn life and ain't going nowhere. Right.

Settle because you wanna feel loved. True. Johnny might be fine as hell, but Johnny doesn't have any goals or aspirations. In his teenage years. What do you think he is gonna be doing in his adult years?

Este es el momento en que Johnny debería prepararse para su futuro y animarte a que te enfoques en el tuyo. Y si el pequeño Johnny se encuentra sin dinero ni aspiraciones, te llevará por el mal camino. ¿Sabes? Eso sería conformarse con solo decir que tienes a alguien o simplemente decir: "Oh, ese es mi novio". Es muy importante decir: "Oh, ese es mi novio".

But it's really not. You are your person. You need to focus on you and building yourself up and having those people surrounding you and your your uplifting support. That also contributes to you. There's nothing wrong with settling for there's nothing wrong with getting a boo.

Just make sure you don't get a boo boo as in doo doo. Yeah. Right. He ain't doing shit and ain't going nowhere. Yeah.

You don't wanna settle for that because if you have plans, you wanna go to college, you wanna be a nurse. Right. Medical. Right. He ain't even he barely attend school and smoke weed all day.

Right. That is not who you want to spend your time with. Now that is super settling. Oh, yeah. It's Sue I like the way you say it.

Settling. Super settling. Like, beyond. It it is. And and I know that there's some girl listening right now who's like, oops.

Ese soy yo. Sí. Es difícil. Pero no importa. A veces lo hacemos.

He doesn't need to be perfect. Maybe he's still trying to figure out what he wants to do, but at least he's trying. Right. I mean, he's a teenager. He's supposed to be trying to figure it out.

And he hasn't arrived there yet. That's okay. That's okay. Trying. If he's trying Mhmm.

You you might have a you might have a good one there. Right. But if he ain't doing nothing, someone who's getting in the car going nowhere Yeah. They don't try to come pick you up. Get on in.

We're going nowhere and take you with them. Yeah. Exactly. Just go along for the ride. Don't settle don't settle for that, and don't settle for friends who it's same thing, not just romantic relationship friends.

Right. Don't settle for people that try to hold you down. Less than what you're supposed to be treated. Treat you less than what you deserve. And then once you start seeing yourself in a higher esteem and your your confidence is up to where it needs to be, you're gonna be able to recognize those people and be like, they're not for me.

No puedo tenerlos en mi zona. No puedo estar cerca de ellos porque solo te derrumbaría y frustraría el trabajo que estás haciendo en ti misma. Eres un diamante, jovencita. No permitas que te traten como una piedra. De acuerdo.

And we'll leave it at that. Period. I love that. Well, I thank you again, miss Best, for coming on, once again and giving us your insight and expertise as a a a well versed, therapist. And so tell the audience how they can find you.

You can find me at the empowertherapy.com, and you can reach out to me there, and I will reach right back out to you. And she really will. She's an excellent excellent therapist, y'all. So, again, once again, thank you for for coming on, and y'all better get used to it because she's gonna be on more episodes. We're gonna talk about more subjects and get her insight.

We keep it real. Yes. Only way to keep it. And now for a mind shifting moment. It is very important that we recognize, that you recognize the difference between good support and bad support.

Just because someone seems like they're supporting you doesn't mean that they actually are. If you get nothing else out of the message, today's recording, please understand that it is so important that you have good support and not just people that support you into bad things. Someone can support you and clap for you and cheer for you all the way into hell. That's not a good support. Make sure you're getting support.

And when you do, make sure that you're paying attention and that it's good support. Do they help you grow? Do they help you get better? Do they help you feel up when you're down? At the end of the day, they need to add to your life, not subtract from it.

Just want you to think about that for today. Thank you for listening to mind shift power podcast. Please like and subscribe to my YouTube channel at the mind shifter. If you have any comments, topic suggestions, or would like to be a guest on the show, please visit FatimaBay.com/podcast. Remember, there's power in shifting your thinking.

Tune in for next week.