"So in that instance, when I felt like I wasn't being heard or, you know, seen rather, I felt like a failure. And I felt like nobody cared what I thought. Nobody cared what I said because I was a teenager. And, you know, they were the adults. And I was supposed to listen to them, and I was supposed to do what they wanted me to do."  -   Jessica Rossler

Welcome to Mindshift Power podcast, a show for teenagers and the adults who work with them, where we have raw and honest conversations. I'm your host, Fatima Bey, the mind shifter. Hello and welcome. Today, we have with us Jessica Rosler. She is a woman that lives in Schenectady, New York.

And this episode is called damaged, because we're gonna she works. She's gonna talk about struggling through trauma as a teen, and ending up as an an accomplished adult. And some people think that they are damaged because they are like she was. And we're gonna talk about that a little bit. So, Jessica, tell us how you grew up and and what your teens were like for you.

Well, I grew up in what I like to call a very dysfunctional family. And in that, I mean, we weren't your your typical normal, like, happy go lucky family. We were, you know, very, you know, everybody did what they wanted kind of thing. My parents constantly fought and and till this day, they still do. And, you know, all of us kids growing up each had our issues as well with school and and life.

Mis padres no eran muy adinerados, y nosotros tampoco. Éramos de clase media-baja. ¿Se nos podía considerar una familia de clase media-baja? Y, bueno, mi madre y mi padre trabajaban a tiempo parcial, y siguieron haciéndolo durante mi adolescencia y la mayor parte de mi vida adulta. No tenían tiempo suficiente para muchos de nosotros.

Así que, cuando uno de nosotros tenía un logro que queríamos compartir, se veía eclipsado por el problema de otro hermano. Así que, bueno, nada de eso se tuvo en cuenta. Y, bueno, a cambio, sentía que no les importaba. Así que, bueno, yo hacía lo que quería, igual que mis hermanos. Ellos hacían lo que querían.

They would go out, hang out with friends till they wanted. And, you know, my my parents were, you know, they they tried to discipline, but it was more or less like, my dad, he would, you know, he would be like this this burly, like, oh, you know, you have to come home at a specific time and and, you know, do this and that. And but he he wouldn't stick to it. And my mom was definitely not the disciplinarian in the family. You know?

Ella era más bien del tipo: "Bueno, déjenlos hacer lo que quieran". Y para mí, crecí con eso. Así que estaba acostumbrada. Y, bueno, también fue muy parecido en mi adolescencia, donde pensaba: "Bueno, si no les importa lo que hago, solo haré esto, esto, esto y esto".

And, you know, I went out and and hung out with friends. And, when I wasn't hanging out with friends, I was told, oh, well, you gotta watch your siblings because, you know, your mother's working tonight. And my mom had to pick up two jobs just to make ends meet with, you know, eight kids. And, you know, we barely had enough money for bills. And my mother would put away so much to pay the bills.

So, you know, sometimes it came down to eating or paying the bills. So, you know, she chose to have us kids eat as opposed to paying a bill. So there would be times when we wouldn't have electricity. There would be times when we wouldn't have Christmas. You know, there were times when we had to borrow money from my grandparents.

In terms of cars, too, as well. My grandmother would give us her cars. We had hand me down clothes. So it was it was a very much, you know, roller coaster of a ride in my family, in that sense. And, it was just, you know, everybody was all over the place.

Life for me as a teenager was pretty much the same. You know, elementary school was the same way. My parents were fighting constantly. I ended up being labeled in elementary school and all throughout my life with a learning disability. And, you know, the the school had said, well, you know, there's nothing much else that we could do for your daughter.

Así que me metieron en clases de educación especial. Y, ¿sabes?, en ese momento era demasiado joven para tener voz y para darme cuenta de que... bueno, mira... ¿sabes? Esto no es lo que soy.

And, you know, I I shouldn't be labeled as such because, you know, I sucked at math. Yeah. Like, people suck at math. You know, that's just that's just it's just, you know, something that, you know, some people aren't good at. And but, you know, otherwise, it was, like I said, very much much the same as as that.

And, you know, throughout school, it was, you know, being put in special education classes after special education classes. And then I got into high school as I started getting to be in my teen years. And that started to start weighing on me some more because it was even tougher in in high school. When I was in high school, they, the special education committee had, tons of meetings on me and about me. And my mom was with me for, like, one or two of those.

Pero aparte de eso, era yo. Y, ya sabes, tuve que encontrar mi propia voz y descubrir qué era lo mejor para mí en ese momento. Y aunque les expresé mis preocupaciones sobre estar en educación especial, sentí que no me escuchaban, porque era adolescente. Así que sentí que no les importaba lo que yo pensara. Simplemente decían: «Oh, este es alguien a quien podemos sacarle dinero».

Así que en ese momento, cuando sentí que no me escuchaban, o mejor dicho, que no me veían, me sentí un fracaso. Y sentí que a nadie le importaba lo que pensaba. A nadie le importaba lo que decía porque era adolescente. Y, bueno, ellos eran los adultos. Y se suponía que debía escucharlos y hacer lo que ellos querían que hiciera.

So I was kept in this program, and I felt like an utter failure. I felt horrible. I felt lost. I felt defeated. And it, you know, it was an awful thing for me as a teenager to have to deal with, you know, among other things that, you know, teenagers deal with on a daily basis.

And, you know, that was like that throughout my whole high school career. I didn't graduate high school until the age of 19 because I ended up failing kindergarten because of the fact that the teachers again said, well, she doesn't know how to do this. She's not ready. So I just, you know, me being me, I felt like a failure. I felt like, you know, I didn't fit in anywhere.

And, you know, I felt like nobody would accept me or take me seriously. And I had a lot of anger. I had a lot of frustration, hurt. You know, I I didn't wanna finish high school. I really wanted to just discontinue and drop out.

Did you have a lot of friends? So I had groups of friends. You know, we had in my high school, there were, you know, your usual jocks and nerds and, so on and so forth. And, you know, I fell in between, like, the the nerds and the outcasts. And, you know, I had a lot of of those types of, friends come in and out of my circle a lot.

And, you know, that helps some. And, you know, I felt like they understood who I was and they listened to me and, you know, took my complaints, my thoughts very seriously. And, you know, at that point in their lives too, some of them were also in special education. So some of them knew the ins and outs of it like I did. And Okay.

Algunos de ellos también tenían dificultades con otras cosas en sus vidas, por lo que estaban en educación especial. Pero, bueno, en mi caso, fui a lo que llamaban la sala de recursos en ese entonces, y un asistente me dio respuestas. Así que eso, en esencia, no me ayudó en absoluto. Y sí, no me ayudó a aprender nada. No me ayudó a entender nada.

It just made matters worse for me because even the aids would look at me, and they would get frustrated with me. Because if there was something that I didn't understand very quickly, they would sit there and look at me strange and they would just give up and then just give me the answers. Because, you know, for me, it it takes me a little while to understand something. And, you know, sometimes I have to have it repeated multiple times, but I'll get it. It it's not like I won't.

Es solo que me cuesta un poco entenderlo. Y, sabes, de pequeño, pensaba que era estúpido. Me sentía estúpido. Me sentía un completo fracaso. Sentía que todos y todo estaba en mi contra. Por eso, me avergonzaba de estar en educación especial.

And it was honestly when I look back, it was honestly some of the worst but yet profound impacts on my life that I've experienced. Profound how? Because it has shown that just because I, you know, I thought I was a failure. I thought I couldn't do things that other people in regular classes were doing. You know, I was horrified with myself.

I was ashamed of myself. I was embarrassed. And, you know, looking back, I nowadays, looking back as an adult, I think that that had a profound impact on me in, you know, the sense that I I came a lot farther than I thought I would in in life. And that's what I want us to to really talk about. I know that there are I don't even know.

Ni siquiera sé si miles son suficientes, quizás millones de jóvenes como tú, que se sienten igual que tú. Se sienten estúpidas. No provienen de un entorno familiar muy favorable. Sienten que su entorno las despoja por completo. ¿Y cómo puedes tener esperanza en una situación así?

Quiero hablar un poco sobre tu situación actual. ¿Qué haces ahora? Actualmente trabajo en un colegio comunitario local y trabajo con mi hija. Le agradezco a mi hija su amabilidad y comprensión. Me ayudó a convertirme en la persona que soy hoy y me ayudó a ser mejor persona.

And, you know, without her her resilience and and her thoughtfulness and and her, you know, dedication to everything that she does and and, you know, she's my cheering section. You know, without her, I think that I would not be the person that I am today. I think if if I hadn't had her, that I would be in a very dark place. I would be very, very distraught. I would be I would be a mess.

And The fact that I can finally say that, you know, just because I've had these, you know, these types of setbacks in my life, you know, it doesn't mean that I'm still that person and it doesn't mean that I can't do the things that I set out to do and the goals that I have. You know, I have all this resilience and I have so many so many dreams, so many goals that I want to attain in my life. And, you know, looking back, you know, I think that without having all of these things that happened to me, without that, I think that, you know, I wouldn't be here in this position. Now you you said you you've you have goals and dreams you're trying to work on and trying to attain. What are some of the goals that you well, first of all yeah.

What are some of the goals that you have already attained? Some of the goals that I have already accomplished, I actually got an associate's degree. So suck it, high school guidance counselor who said that I would never amount to anything. I would never be able to do math or science. You know?

I I have believe some idiot said that to you. Yes. I'm sorry. But what that is, you're an idiot. Go ahead.

She said she literally said to me, in my eleventh yeah, my junior year of high school and then my senior year of high school. She told me every time I went into her office when I was asking her, you know, you know, we went over, like, hey, hey, what do you wanna be when you grow up? You know, all that stuff that high school guidance counselors usually ask. I had said I wanted to be a pediatric nurse or I wanted to do something in astronomy. She literally looked me in the face and said, well, you know, both of those have math involved.

Right? Like, really snotty, like, attitude. And I said, yeah. And she said, and for pediatric nursing, you know, that they don't make a lot of money. Right?

Y yo pensé, ¡guau! ¿Acaba de decir eso? Esa mujer merece que le den un buen golpe en la cabeza y la echen del trabajo. En fin. Así que, no hace falta decirlo, salí de su oficina derrotada y llorando porque pensé: «Vale».

The you know, that's it. I'm never gonna be able to do anything with my life. And, you know, there was a time when I didn't go to college, but I I, you know, I was still in school right now? Right. Yes.

I am still in school right now. I am working on a master's degree. I master's in science degree in biodiversity conservation and policy. And I am just you know, I'm killing some of the goals that I had set for myself, and, you know, I've gone above and beyond even the ones that I thought I could never do. So you went from feeling like nothing, feeling stupid, abnormal, like you couldn't accomplish anything.

All that other stuff was for normal people, not you. Right? Yes. Exactly. About yourself.

Exactly. About myself when I was younger too. So I understand. I really, really understand it. But you went from there to you're working on your masters now.

Now go let's go back to 17 year old Jessica. Would 17 year old Jessica have believed that she would one day be working on a master's degree? Absolutely not. I 17 year old me was very moody, very, you know, very defeated, very down, very, very depressed, because, you know, 17 year old me was like, I'm never gonna be able to do anything. And I would I would be in my room every single night with my lights off, and I would look I would look outside and I would start praying.

I would, you know, I would start praying for the the day and the time that, you know, I would be able to be normal. I would be able to have a normal family, a normal life, a, you know, a normal situation. You know, I would be able to have a diploma out of high school like everybody else. But, you know, I got put in special education. And the IEP diploma that I had basically said, no.

You have to stay in this program till you're 19 years old. So it was it was it was debilitating for me. And I I wanna chime in right there because I and then and talk to the audience for a second. If you're an adult who's working in a school system or an education system of any kind, of any kind, in any capacity, a counselor, whatever you're doing, and you're involved in kids' lives like this. I know that there are a lot of other Jessica's out there who have been held back in life for a lot of reasons, but one of those reasons is being labeled, being labeled with special ed when it may or may not have been necessary.

There's so many people, and I have personally seen it, and it makes me very angry when people get labeled that and they don't need it. Or when they get labeled that and just treated like, well, you have maximum you have a a a maximum capacity of this little bit, and that's it. And you're too stupid for the rest. And you may not use those words directly, but there's so many other ways you can actually say that to people. And it does so much damage.

Please, please don't do that. Give people hope. Don't take away what little hope they have because you don't know what kind of effects it's gonna have on them. There are people in those situations that commit suicide because they feel like they can't do anything. That's just a real that's real.

And it, it just really angers me when I hear these stories and I know that they were avoidable. And I know that they were avoidable. She just if we just support people around us, but give them the right kind of support. And if you are out there and you feel like you're stupid and maybe you are in special ed and maybe you don't get it as quick as the rest of us, it doesn't mean that you can't do what the rest of us does. It might mean you have to go another way around it, but you can still do everything that the rest of us can do.

Ese es mi pequeño discurso. Tenía que decirlo porque creo que es muy importante. También quiero hablar de algo que te ha ayudado mucho en las conversaciones que hemos tenido fuera del aire. Has ido a terapia, ¿cierto?

Mhmm. Yes. And that made a major difference in your life? Yes. Yes.

Sí. Hablemos un poco de eso. Cuando empecé a ir, empecé a hablar de una cosa, y luego pensé: "Bueno, tengo muchas otras cosas que me están pasando". Y quiero hablar de mi vida, de mi infancia y de mi adolescencia. Así que hablo de eso en terapia.

I spend about sixty minutes every week in in therapy just talking about everything that's that's going on. And that's that's really helped. And, you know, I I wish more people would take advantage of that because it is definitely helpful. I I agree. I think therapy I preach it all the time.

I think therapy is important. I think there's different types of therapy that work for different types of people. And dimensional therapy does not work for everyone. I mean and I know therapists. I will tell you right now, it does not work for everyone, but it does work for a lot of people.

And if you don't like conventional therapy, there are other ways you can go about it, but we all need therapy because we're humans. And sometimes it's just a matter of having somebody to bounce your thoughts off of to help you, you know, declutter your brain. So what what I'm hearing from you, I wanna want to I wanna point out to the audience is that you went from you went from there to here. You went from a place of feeling no hope, no confidence, very low self esteem. The biggest thing is no support because there's nobody there, to combat those negative thoughts that you were having about yourself.

Correct? Right. Yes. So when you have nobody to combat that, you're just gonna I mean, it's natural to kinda take that on and believe the garbage that people are telling you. You know?

Absolutely. And, unfortunately, I know people out there that have family members that do that to them, put them down the first second they can. You're too stupid. Don't try this. And it's like, I wanna drop kick them in the forehead.

Eso es ilegal. Así que no lo hago, pero de verdad quiero hacerlo, porque entiendo el daño que les causa a su psique. Y todos actuamos desde esa psique, así que importa. ¿Sabes? Tu mentalidad lo es todo.

So what advice do you have for someone in their teens listening right now who feels just the way you did, who is from a non supportive family, feeling hopeless, lost, and stupid. Find your voice. Find your voice. Make sure you find that voice. Make sure you don't lose it.

Make sure you don't give up hope because, you know, it might seem like it's a long road to get from point a to point b, but you'll get there. You will. And you'll look back on those moments, you know, and in those moments, and you'll say, wow. I had, you know, all this resilience, and I'm not that same person. I am a better version of myself.

That's awesome. Now the I have one more question for you. For the people listening who are who have people like you around them, and, really, this actually really applies to more than just teenagers, but who are feeling the way you felt about yourself. What would have made a difference for you back then? For more people to listen, more people to take me seriously, more more people to let me talk, let me speak, you know, hear what I have to say, and just be honest with me.

And, you know, don't sugarcoat things. You know, because, you know, a lot of a lot of times staff do that in in schools, you know, and, you know, just be honest and tell me flat out, like, why I'm labeled that. What like, what makes me that way to to you or to that school system or to whomever? And, you know, I I wish they were honest more with me and and not secretive in in con their conversations about me. And, you know, I wish that, again, they listened to me because I tried to speak about it and I was brushed off because I didn't matter.

And the school system that I went to and and went through, they didn't care about anybody really. Well, I would say you do matter, and you're mattering right now because I am positive that you're inspiring some young girl out there right now who is where you were. I really believe that. And for for what she was just talking about for those around someone like her, don't just slough slough off a teenager. Like like, they don't matter.

Como si sus sentimientos no importaran y simplemente pensaran: "Oh, solo eres un adolescente tonto y lo ignoras porque eso hace más daño del que puedes ver". ¿Sabes? A veces, como adultos, lo hacemos y no nos damos cuenta del daño que eso realmente causa: primero, para nuestra relación con ese niño, y segundo, para su autoestima. O no sabes qué están pensando. Podrías estar afectando su futuro al decir cosas sin importancia y restarle importancia a lo que es importante para ellos.

You know, I wanted to say that to the audience. Well, Jessica, I really, really appreciate you taking the time to come on here and being willing to be vulnerable, and tell your story. And I and I know that your story is more average than you think. And you you were never abnormal. I just wanted to say that too.

Nunca fuiste anormal. Gracias. Simplemente no encajabas en la estúpida y convencional caja en la que nuestro sistema quiere meter a la gente, en la que, por cierto, solo un 30% de la gente encaja correctamente. Pero esa es otra historia. Pero nunca fuiste anormal.

Ya no eres la persona que conocí el día que te conocí. Nunca habría imaginado que esa era tu historia. Sí. Esa no es quien yo veo ahora, y esa no es quien eres ahora. Y me alegra mucho que hayas podido salir de esto. Y, de nuevo, este es uno de esos episodios conmovedores para mí, porque quiero que este mensaje llegue a más mujeres jóvenes como tú y que sepan que hay esperanza para ellas, porque la hubo para Jessica.

Yep. Yes. I, you know, I just I I wanna I wanna just hug everybody that, you know Me too. But we can't Yeah. They haven't cried out yet.

Right. Well, thank you, Jessica, for being on. Thank you for having me. And now for a mind shifting moment. If you're listening right now and you are where Jessica was, you feel stupid.

You feel abnormal. You feel hopeless about your future because of the way you've grown up. I want you to know you're not a failure. There is hope for your future just like there was hope for Jessica. She's not special.

Anything that she can do she did, you can do too. I want you to know if you don't have support around you, you may have to be the one that advocates for yourself. Don't believe the hype that you can only accomplish a certain amount. That is never true. You just got to find a way around it.

I hope that you were able to listen today and that you were able to get hope for yourself and your own future. It is possible because it was possible for her. Thank you for listening to mind shift power podcast, Please like and subscribe to my YouTube channel at the mind shifter. If you have any comments, topic suggestions, or would like to be a guest on the show, please visit FatimaBay.com/podcast. Remember, there's power in shifting your thinking.

Tune in for next week.