Welcome to Mindshift Power podcast, a show for teenagers and the adults who work with them, where we have raw and honest conversations. I'm your host, Fatima Bey, the mind shifter. And welcome. Today, we have with us Krystle Hearley. She is the owner of Krystle Hearley counseling.

She's out of Albany, New York. She's a licensed mental health counselor, confidence and a confidence in and dating coach. But we're actually not here to talk about her titles. We're actually here she's here to talk about her journey. Now I've known Krystle for a while, and this is an audio podcast, and you might see a picture of her on the cover.

但就她本人而言，她絕對是美艷動人，而且非常非常漂亮。她的身材非常好。我們小時候在雜誌上看到的那些我們崇拜的身材，她都擁有，而且她真的擁有。而且她還是一位珍妮佛洛佩茲等級的天才舞者。我之所以提到這些細節，是因為它們與我們今天要討論的內容非常相關。

But I wanna I wanna ask this. I want you guys to think about this. With everything I just described with this absolutely gorgeous appealing to the eye woman, do you think that makes her confident? And we're gonna talk about that today. So, Crystal, how are you doing today?

I'm doing much better now. Thank you for that. Thank you for that beautiful, introduction. We should really hang out more often. Now I want you to tell us a little bit about what's your backstory?

How did you grow up? So how did I grow up? I grew up in a in a small town, and relevant to our conversation, I did not feel pretty. I felt like the other girls were all prettier than me, that the boys wanted the other girls, that I thought that my thighs were tree trunks. You know, I never wanted to wear shorts.

但不管怎樣，這畢竟是一所規模不大的高中。我們只有75個人。所以我們彼此都認識，也都了解彼此的處境。而且，你知道，我覺得自己與眾不同。

So that's really lonely. And mind you, this was before social media and all the online connections. So I remember in high school when we got instant messenger, and I would, like, wait for boys to message me and stuff. So it's it's been a part of it's a part of everyone's life, you know, wanting to feel attractive to the other sex or whoever we are attracted to. Yeah.

And I will also wanna mention, this was before big booties were in. That is so true. Because this girl girl's got a booty. And I was at I was at a sleepover once, and I'll I'll never forget these kinds of things. It's a great point that you make because, like, that's something that some people look for, like, would want to have.

And I remember being at a sleepover, laying on my stomach, all the girls we were watching a movie, and someone made a comment about how my butt stood out compared to everyone else. And it's like, now it's funny, but those things really stick with you. Mhmm. Yeah. And and you grew up in an era where it still wasn't now teenagers know people getting BBLs and trying to make their butts all big.

But Right. Back then, it was, you know, you had a black girl booty and you're white. Oh my god. You know, that kind of a thing. I mean, that was real.

It was. And and that did not help your self esteem. Even though now it's, like, coveted, But, you know, growing up for you, it wasn't something that you coveted or or felt great about. I want you to answer this. You talked about a little bit, but I want you to answer this a little bit more in-depth because I know there are a lot of girls out there right now who are just like you.

I'm having this episode because there are a lot of girls out there who look amazing, and we look at them and they look appealing. And because they look appealing, we make an assumption that they're confident and that they know that they're as beautiful as they are physically. Did the fact that you were pretty make you confident? Absolutely not. So it's interesting because we look at ourselves every single day, multiple times a day.

而且，就像，當你一段時間沒見到一個人時，你會從整體上看他。就像我們見面太多，以至於會盯著彼此的缺點看。這些缺點對我們來說真的很突出。和大多數人一樣，這就是我關注的重點。例如，我鼻子有點凸，怎麼會有人覺得我漂亮呢？

How could someone think that I'm pretty with when I can't wear the same size clothes as my friends? Like, I couldn't share clothes with my friends. Like, I'm different, so how could I possibly be pretty? Mhmm. And I really hate that you thought that about yourself, and I hate that there's so many other girls out there right now that are thinking about themselves that way.

Do you think that comparison was a part of that problem thought pattern? Absolutely. But it was out of my awareness. I didn't know what I was doing. And I do love that about maybe not specifically social well, no.

It's tough on social media because we can compare to so many people, but I do think that the fact that we compare is more common knowledge. Easier said than done. Like, we still do compare, but it's like maybe it's about noticing all of the ways that we compare. Like, maybe we have this knowledge. Like, yeah, people compare each other ourselves to each other, but maybe it's about honing in on, like, every little thing that we do compare.

Mhmm. We often when when when I was younger and even when you were younger, the comparisons that we would make would be to those in the magazines or those on TV. Now the comparisons are on social media instead because we're not paying attention to TV and magazine anymore. I mean, let's just be real. We're paying attention to what's on social media.

我的意思是，無論年齡大小，年紀越大，你越有可能還在關注電視和雜誌。但對任何30歲的人來說，這都不是他們關注的重點。我們大部分時間都在社群媒體上，我們仍然以不該有的方式互相比較。各位聽眾可能以前聽我說過。你們也知道，我做婚紗設計。

我做修改衣服的，服務對象包括舞會女郎和新娘。我討厭、極度厭惡，常常看到的是，有些女孩、新娘，尤其是舞會女郎，會把自己和一些根本不真實的東西比較。是啊。她們不喜歡自己的身材，因為她們有個該死的子宮，所以它不是平的。

You know? Right. And it's like, it's not supposed to be. That's actually not normal. And they look at all of these you know, when we grew up, they were airbrushed images, but now they're filters.

We look at all these filters that make us look like something we're we're not in reality, and we and they compare themselves. And that is a huge, huge mistake. It's just a giant, giant mistake. Would you agree? I do agree.

And it's important to mention that so in TV and magazines and stuff, there is definitely more variety represented. Yeah. But it's like the, variety that we're still comfortable with. But on social media Good point. People get to pick exactly what they put on.

So they only pick what they think or will get positive feedback. Or if a if a picture isn't perfect, when they take it in reality, they get to change the picture before they post it. So we really are seeing the highlight reels. And I'm sorry, but even when people post to express sadness or, like, this is the real me. I need to vent online.

We'll see some of those posts sometimes. Mhmm. That is still they are sharing what they choose to share. Yes. And some of those are just for attention.

Some of those are real. Absolutely. And some of those are just for attention. And so we have to be mindful and careful, when assuming that it's everything. Because, you know, I'm I'm a person where I share on social media, but you're you're not gonna know what's going on in my life at social media because I Unless you want us to.

Yep. Right. I ain't putting all that out there. I I ain't crazy. So I, you know, I'm not putting all that out there.

You see what I want you to see. And I will tell you about my victories, but I don't tell you about all my failures. And I definitely have some, and I definitely have some shortcomings. But I'm not putting it out there. I will put it out there if I think it's gonna help people, and I'm willing to have a discussion about it.

但你並沒有看到我的全部。即使我非常坦誠，你仍然無法看到我的全部，只是因為那隻是出於智慧。有些事情我可能還在處理，我準備好談論它了；而有些事情公開出來就不明智了，因為二十年後有人會翻出這些事情，說你不是你，因為他們總是這樣對待政客。我想談談我們之前在節目裡討論過的事情。那麼，不同類型的保密又是什麼呢？

Because we talked about the fact that there are different kinds of confidences, and that definitely relates to this conversation. So explain to to the to the audience what you were saying to me. Yeah. And learning this concept, I think, was one of the biggest keys for having better confidence. Mhmm.

Because when I was younger, I might have confidence in my ability to play softball, or I had confidence in, that's about it. No. No. In my ability to play the trumpet because I was first seat or something. And that's, again, outside validation.

I felt confident in playing the trumpet because I had the title of first seat in the band. So those kinds or same with softball. I felt confident because I got feedback from my coach that, hey. You're doing good. I want you to start kind of thing.

So we have to remember we're getting all those outside messages. So there's confidence in our abilities like I just described, but then there's a whole another level of confidence where we are confident in the human being that we are, that I can take up space, that I can be here, and I am enough. I am breathing, so I deserve good things to come to my life. Like, just that foundational, like, if I mess up, I am still confident in me as a human being. If this doesn't go as planned, I'm still gonna be okay.

Like, that foundational doesn't have to be perfect. I don't have to be the best, and I'm still confident in myself. Does that make sense? Am I Absolutely. I wanna dial back a little bit to what you said at first, the first kind of confidence in your ability and related to exactly this conversation.

我們假設自信一就是自信二，但事實並非如此。我們假設自己自信、漂亮、唱歌好，或是其他一些我們能看出的非常表面的東西，就認為這個人也對自己有信心，但這絕對不是事實。你必須真正了解一個人，才能知道他們是否真的有自信，而且總有無數的線索。不要因為他們對自己的外表有信心，就想當然地認為他們對自己的個性也有信心。就像你說的，他們自信的是自己身為人的身分。

我知道這些話是寫給現在正在聽你說話的各位女孩的，你知道你很漂亮，因為每個人都這麼說。你從各種外在管道聽到這些，但你仍然不相信自己。我希望你聽聽克里斯多說的話，因為她也曾經是你，現在她更有自信了。是的。從1到10，克里斯托，0代表完全沒有自信，10代表絕對自信。你曾經是，我不知道是幾號。

I'm gonna say a three or four. Sure. Definitely. But what number would you give yourself now in life? It's a great question.

I love that question because it's it's not about having total confidence or zero confidence. It it is a scale. I would say I'm at, like, an eight. It's progressive. And that's the thing is we build ourselves.

別指望我建立了自信。我一夜之間就從A做到Z了。你可以一夜之間從A做到Z，但之後你得醒過來。所以，事實上，這是一個進步的過程。進步是一個過程。

Sorry. Progress is a process. And the fact that you went from three, four, whatever number you were, to an eight now is huge. And for girls listening right now, the fact that you might feel like you're a three or four, don't worry about getting to a 10. Get to a five.

Love it. Yes. Get to a five, keep doing the things that helped you get from four to five so that you can get to a six, etcetera, etcetera. Keep moving on. And there are a lot of girls out there right now.

我想讓你知道，Crystal 也想讓你知道，你並不孤單。你知道，你並不孤單，只是因為你唱歌好，人們才會捧你。我們常在名人身上看到這種現象。是啊，人們因為會說唱而出名。

They can sing. They can dance. They can play an instrument. They can act, and they become award winning whatever. They can write whatever their talents are, and they become award winning, and they become super famous.

But if we really sit down and listen to their hearts, they have a confidence level of a three Because those things are just things. They're stuff. Yes. They're they matter, but they're not necessarily who you are as a person. And what what do you have to say to the girls out there right now who are where you were?

They get accolades. They get praised because they look good. They're confident maybe in certain areas. But at their heart of their heart, they know they do not believe in themselves. What do you say to them?

這個問題很深刻。所以我想說，第一，你確實有天賦。這很好。享受這種天賦吧。但我們對這種天賦充滿信心，是因為外在的認可。

People have told us that we're good singers or people have told us that we're pretty. So to acknowledge that, you know, the first step is sometimes even saying, you know, so and so said that I'm pretty. In my head, like, words are important. So instead of saying, like, I'm pretty because so and so thinks I'm pretty, sitting with that and being like, do I believe I'm pretty? It don't it you know, the confidence comes from when I believe that I'm pretty, when I believe that I'm a a good enough singer for the level of singing ability that I wanna be and really embracing it from what I believe about myself.

我完全同意。但當這種信念低落，當這種信念糟糕，當這種信念認為我除了漂亮屁股之外沒有任何價值時，他們能做什麼呢？這是一個深刻的問題。我相信，這取決於我們如何與自己對話。這取決於語言。

We want to be awesome at everything. Like, it's it's human nature to wanna be beautiful, talented, successful, lots of friends, great clothes. The list goes on and on. But in reality, you know, we don't know. We're not gonna have all of those things.

對自己說，對「還好」就好。就像你問的量表問題。我喜歡這個。如果以1到10來衡量，我認為自己的歌唱程度有多高？如果是3分，那根本不能定義我。

I, for the record, am a horrendous singer. Nobody wants to hear me sing. But I am still a confident person because I've decided I'm not pursuing singing as a profession. I don't need to be a good singer. I acknowledge that I'm not a good singer, and singing is only one part of me.

You know, the clothes that I wear is only one part of me. Right. My weight is only one part of me. My my success or how the family that I'm attached to is only one part of me. So finding coming to peace, you know, if I don't feel so great about something, either I can take steps to improve it, or I can accept that about myself and put my energy elsewhere.

我要引用你剛才說的話，因為我認為你說的話非常清晰、準確、真實。我同意。我認為有時擺脫這種困境的一個方法是做出你要去做的事情的決定，這是一個決定，一個過程，不是瞬間就能完成的。

So please understand if you're listening, do not expect to have instantaneous results no matter what you do or who you talk to. Expect to have results as you take advice and implement it little by little. So make a decision, young woman or young man because the male version of this looks a little different. But guys go through this too. Especially people who play sports, they go through it the most, actually.

但他們不太談論這個，因為他們要表現得像個男人，而且，你知道，他們不願意承認。但要專注於你擁有的天賦。你有什麼才能？去發現這些才能，因為它們能幫助你理解自己的價值。別再拿自己和你並非的事物比較了。

A bird should not compare itself to an elephant. That's just dumb. They ain't the same. Amen. Don't compare yourself to me.

You're not me. You are you. And, you know, I I can sing, but I ain't Beyonce. So I'm not comparing myself to Beyonce. I'm not trying to make a career out of singing.

我會在其他事情上用到唱歌，但這並非我的職業選擇或願望。那麼，我為什麼要拿自己的嗓音和一個以此為生的職業歌手比較呢？為了什麼？那樣只會讓我失望，讓我自我感覺不好，讓我陷入痛苦，卻無法幫助我繼續發揮我所擁有的美好天賦。我喜歡這樣。

And, yeah, it's like, again, just circling back to the words that we use. Yes. I I think I'm a decent singer, but I'm no Beyonce. Like, we're judging ourselves when we say things like that. Yes.

也就是說，對你來說，我是個不錯的歌手。我是個很棒的歌手。我沒有想成為職業歌手。所以我們甚至不需要再追問，我不是碧昂絲。我就是我，我會用我的方式展現自己。

Yeah. But you know what? Beyonce ain't me either. Exactly. Because we have different gifts and talents.

You know what I mean? Yes. I don't know Beyonce personally. Maybe she is a good coach to other people. I don't know her to to know that.

但無論如何，即使她是，她也不是法蒂瑪。而這正是我們每個人都需要擁有的自信，去體認到，與其專注於自己沒有的東西，不如專注於自己與他人比較時所做的事情。為什麼要把自己與一個甚至不是你的人比較呢？他甚至沒有和你一樣的天賦，沒有和你一樣的人生使命，也沒有和你一樣的目標？你的目標是什麼？拿你自己和他比較吧。你的天賦是什麼？

Develop those because that's where you're gonna find your happiness. And, you know and also, I also wanna talk to this point. When we put all of our confidence in the wrong thing, as I'm gonna call it confidence number one that you talked about, confidence in a gift or an ability or a a look, which is all in the same bowl. When we have confidence in that and we use confidence number one as confidence number two, we allow those things to define us and and and indicate our value. What happens when that thing drops?

如果你是世界上最棒的超模，卻遭遇意外，永久毀容，那會怎麼樣？那時你是誰？沒錯。我們都會這樣對待自己。男孩子們，在運動方面，男孩子們也會這樣。

I am the best quarterback that the NFL has ever seen, or the NFL is about to see. I'm the best basketball player that the NBA is about to see. And you break your leg and you get an injury. You can't do that anymore. Who are you?

是的。如果我們正確地理解了自身能力和天賦之外的自我，你真正的自信或缺乏自信就在於此。所以，發現年輕男女，發現這一點，你就能開始建立自信。再說一次，就像克里斯託說的，自信是可以建立的。對吧？

這不是我現在就自信了，因為我吃了一顆藥或聽了一封訊息，然後就變了。事情根本就不是那樣的。你知道嗎？進步是一個過程。我想補充一點，因為我認為有必要指出，這也是我們看到名人做某些事情的原因之一。

They have all the money and all the fame in the world, but yet we watch them fall because they were standing on straws instead of solid ground. You know? Exactly. And and you're being confident in your ability and your capabilities is sand. It's movable.

這並非堅實的基礎。但對自己充滿信心才是堅實的基礎。現在我來跟你們講講我自己。跟克里斯多不同，我成長的環境，依照社會標準，並不漂亮，其實我覺得自己又醜又蠢又胖又笨。我當時就是這麼看待自己的。

I too am now at a confidence level of eight. I still think I have a couple more points to go. And people look at me, you know, like, oh, she's so strong and confident. Yeah. But y'all don't know what hell I went through to get there.

我現在的確是，但你們都知道我經歷了怎樣的磨難才走到今天。你們不知道我以前是怎麼看待自己的。而且，你知道，即使我認識Crystal很多年了，我依然在她身上看到了這一點。我們是透過薩爾薩舞認識的。所以我知道她是一位非凡的舞者，這也是我一開始提到這一點的原因。

I, you know, always saw that she was pretty and everything, but I also saw a little bit of myself in her, which I Crystal and I have talked about. I saw that that lack of confidence and didn't understand at the time Why? I'm like, does she not see how awesome she is? And and I'm not just talking about her look. She's actually an awesome person too.

So I was just like, why why don't she see what I see? But I don't care who you are, and I don't care how anybody sees us. What matters is how we see ourselves. You know? How do you see yourself?

正如Crystal之前提到的，你如何看待自己？因為說到底，這就是你的根基。當你生活中遇到不順心的事情時，它就會出現，或讓你崩潰，這取決於你當時的處境。對吧？是的。

還有什麼嗎？我知道我有點說教了，但我實在忍不住。但我對這個主題非常熱衷，尤其是在年輕女性群體中，因為我經常看到這種情況，我知道這真的非常非常有意義。各位聽眾，請不要因為在社群媒體上看到某個人表現良好，獲得很多點贊，就認為他們的自信就達到了應有的水平。我可以向你們保證，很多時候並非如此。是的。

I'd like to second that too. A lot of times it's not. And and and I'm also mentioning that because sometimes people tend to be judgmental. When they're like, this person is famous and they're beautiful and they have all this money, why the hell are they acting like that? Because they have the same issue that you do.

The difference is that they're on a pedestal as they go through it. You know? Yeah. Did you have anything else you wanted to add? I think it's helpful to add to speaking to social media is that people can be very mean Yeah.

On social media. People can be very mean in life in general. And I think it comes out more in social media because they're not face to face with you. Mhmm. But that their actions reflect on them.

They're acting the way they're acting because of the way they feel about themselves. Yep. It has nothing to do with you. Can you say that again? Yes.

是的。當一個人評判你時，他們的行為方式體現了他們是怎樣的人。這與你無關。是的。如果他們評判你，他們就評判了所有人。

是的。確實如此，而且他們可能也對自己要求太苛刻了。是的。因為我以前也是這樣。但我知道不只是我一個人這樣。

I see it all the time. Yes. I completely agree. Be don't allow other people to to put you down. And they might put you down, but you don't have to stay there.

Exactly. Because that has to do with them and not you. And just just recognize that. Yeah. When someone says something, like, that I find to be rude to me or they have a short temper with me or they put down something I do, I like to be like, I wonder what's going on in their world.

Or Yep. You know? Mhmm. There's and there's a million different reasons. Some of it has to do with their choices, and some of it has to do with how they're raised.

Usually, a combination thereof. But, you know, there's a million different reasons, which is another conversation. But, yeah, I I think that was a very key point to point out. So, Krystle, for all of you listening, Krystle is an excellent therapist. She I actually recommend her on my website be and I'm very, very slow to recommend people.

There's not a lot of people on that page, but she's one of the therapists that I recommend because she's honest. And and she you can be honest with her, and and she's not gonna judge you. And she'll be honest with you and tell you what she sees and what she thinks and listen to what you have to say, which is part of what makes a good therapist. So if you're listening and you are a girl that you're someone that recognizes what she's saying and you can, you know, identify with it, she She might be a good person for you to talk to. So, Krystle, how can they find you?

I like to keep it simple, and they can just text me. My phone number is (518) 212-7417. Yes. And that number will also be in the show notes of this this episode as well as her website if you wanna go to that as well. But I love the fact that she just said, give my phone number.

Go right directly to her, And she'll and she'll reply. Just don't please don't text her at 02:00 in the morning. Please just common sense. But thank you, Krystle, for coming on. It's been a pleasure having you on, and and I I really thank you for, being so open and honest about, you know, your reality, your struggles, and your journey, and I'm hoping that this episode helps at least one person.

如果是這樣，那就值得了。謝謝。感謝你們的邀請，我很樂意和你們聊這些事。希望很快能和你們聊聊。現在，讓我們換個思路。

If you're listening today and we were talking about you, you're one of those people where you have great looks, gifts, talents, money, fame, any of that. If that's you, I want you to know that you're not being whiny, you're not being a big baby when you want more than that. You're actually being a normal human being, and I want you to know that you're not alone in how you feel. There are other people out there who actually see and understand you. It is okay to admit that you need more than that, and there's nothing wrong with that.

But I also want you to know it's important that you seek that confidence number two that we talked about in this episode. That real deep personal self confidence that has nothing to do with your gifts, your money, your wealth, your looks, but is just you. Work on that because that is where your strength is. That is where you really are. Your money, your shape, your look, your fame, that might be what you are, but that's not who you are.

發現自我，你才能擁有真正需要的自信。這樣，無論生活中發生什麼，無論生活帶給你什麼，你都知道自己是誰，才能更好地應對。我只想你現在就張開雙臂，給我一個大大的擁抱。如果我現在能擁抱你，我會的。你很重要。超越你的才華、你的天賦、你的名望，你很重要。

Thank you for listening to Mindshift Power podcast. Please like and subscribe to my YouTube channel at the mind shifter. If you have any comments, topic suggestions, or would like to be a guest on the show, please visit FatimaBay.com/podcast. Remember, there's power in shifting your thinking. Tune in for next week.