Fatima Bey: 0:02

Mind Shift Power Podcast This is Mind Shift Power Podcast, the number one critically acclaimed podcast where we have raw, unfiltered conversations that shape tomorrow. I'm your host, Fatima Bey, the Mind Shifter. And welcome everyone. Today we have with us Aziza Kabibi. She is out of New Jersey in the U.S. She is an author and an activist. But you're gonna find out today she's so much more. The word activist doesn't even cut it. But uh we're gonna talk about her story and how it can help you. How are you doing today, Aziza?

Aziza Kibibi: 0:44

I'm doing well, Fatima. Thank you for having me.

Fatima Bey: 0:47

And thank you for coming on. Now, I reached out to you because I saw you somewhere, I don't know where, but somewhere on social media, and you I found your story very intriguing. So tell the audience, why are you on this podcast?

Aziza Kibibi: 1:02

Well, I am here on this podcast to share my story. And I think mostly not just my story and my life and the things that I've survived, but really talk about my resilience and my ability to survive them in hopes to encourage other people. Um, my life has been extremely challenging. My father started molesting me when I was eight years old, and he started raping me when I was 10. And over the years, as the abuse continued, I have been pregnant by him five different times. I suffered a miscarriage due to his physical abuse. He was also abusing my mother, and he delivered all of my children at home. So I have four children by my father. I was homeschooled. So I did not have, I could I I did not have the, I guess you can say, resources or exposure to gaze, to gauge what was happening to me and if it was correct or right because my father dictated everything. So he was not only abusive to me and my mom, he was also abusive to my siblings. And over the years, he had 21 siblings that include my children, who are also his grandchildren.

Fatima Bey: 2:31

And that is a lot. And here's the thing that most of the audience probably doesn't realize. We're gonna hear bits and pieces of Aziza's story today. We're only gonna be able to hear bits and pieces. Um you're really gonna have to follow her to hear more, but Aziza is not the only woman in the world that has a similar story. And the incest with manipulation and all kinds of abuse, unfortunately, is way more common than we think. We're taught this image of what families are supposed to be, but reality is often different. So, Ziza, let me um ask you this abuse manipulates the mind long before it breaks the body. So, looking back, can you share one way your father rewired your thinking and the exact moment when you realized that your programming was a lie?

Aziza Kibibi: 3:29

So it's interesting because it with that question, it's not that he rewired the thinking, my thinking. He wired my thinking. So there was nothing to rewire. He was my father, and I was raised to follow him, to be obedient, to employ all of his teachings. And the fact that I was homeschooled, I think, contributed to that. Since I was not educated in the traditional school, then all of my knowledge and perspective and belief system and philosophies all came from him and he was the only source of that. Then, of course, because my mother was compliant and did everything that he said as well, she reiterated everything. So when my my mom found out my father was abusing me when she um when he told her, he told her that he was abusing me. And he told her that he was molesting me because it was helping my skin. My father also did not believe in Western medicine, so I didn't go to doctors. Um, and he treated all ailments within the family. He also delivered my brothers and sisters. So I was witnessing the birth of children from a very young age. So, you know, this whole holistic style lifestyle that was also a vegetarian lifestyle. All of these things that my father believed in, he indoctrinated not only into his wife and his other women, he was also polygamous, but um also his children. So trying to determine what is right, what is wrong, what is real, and what is an illusion took a long time because my father's programming was from his perspective only. And then having my mother co-sign everything, the world was wrong and they were right. So I did not realize what was happening to me was wrong, aside from my own judgment of the pain and suffering I was experiencing. But even then, my dad was also God-fearing. So his idea was that, well, to benefit in life, you have to sacrifice in life. And there were other things that I didn't like, especially as a child. No child likes to sit there and write affirmations for an hour. So there were a lot of things that I was just questioning, just from a child's perspective, that essentially was considerably more serious and counter, or should I say, anti-what the rest of the world believed and practiced. So it did take a while. I tried to run away when I was 12, but again, that was because I was in pain. My father started sodomizing me as a form of punishment for not doing my chores or for disobeying him. So there was just the physical suffering and the abuse. I didn't know it was abuse at the time, but I did not want to suffer at the hands of my father. So I did attempt to run away. But then my brothers and sisters saw me, stopped me. And in that moment, I realized I can't leave them here with him by themselves. Clearly, mommy is not helping, and the only person that I felt that would protect them was me. So it got to a point that my father told me that if I complied, I didn't complain, and I did not tell anybody, then he would not abuse my sisters. So it then became conditional. He would not abuse my sisters if I was obedient to him. So yeah, it didn't cut get to the point that I would say I was consciously aware, like this just, this just has to stop. This has to stop. The whole philosophy of what he was, how he was treating his family, how he was raising his family. It had to stop. And I came to that conclusion when I had my first my first child by him. Then in my mind, I was constantly strategizing ways to get away.

Fatima Bey: 8:00

Now I know that you you did a good job of summarizing a lot of what you've been through, but there's it's there's so much packed in there. You've turned your pain into platforms that that has helped others, which by the way, I really highly respect you for that because I know that's hard. Um, but I want to flip it for a second. What are the private costs of being a public survivor? What parts of Aziza, the woman, sometimes gets overshadowed by Aziza, the symbol?

Aziza Kibibi: 8:34

Um, that that's a deep question. Because there is a lot. And it's interesting that you ask me now, my birthday is coming up. And of course, once we complete a turn around the sun, we tend to self-reflect. And um, one of the the biggest sacrifices I've have made by being public, um, something that I did not consider when I just decided to kind of take up this torch is that my romantic relationships are greatly affected. My my ability to, well, I can't call it my ability, but the way men respond to me, I think is is hugely affected. And not just because I am shouting to the world that I am a survivor of sexual abuse, but I think the audacity of me doing that can be a little intimidating. So, you know, so I am experiencing that. It's more as I get older. Um, it has affected other kind of social and professional relationships that I have. I'm getting more feedback about that lately. Um, so it's interesting that you asked me that today because I was just thinking about that this morning. Like, wow, you know, something, some possible romantic interest kind of seemed to fall by the wayside or fell through. And I truly believe that it is because not only they did they discover what I went through, but what it has made me and the strength that it's given me and the resilience that it demonstrates with the fact that I am public about it. And I have taken up the mission to try to prevent it from happening to others. And I think that audacity alone is a little intimidating. So that's one thing. And I'll just briefly say the other things, of course, how it affects my children. They are extremely supportive with the fact that I am public, but it is a constant conversation. I have to check in with them regularly just to make sure my daughter has kind of taken up the torch of being my defender online when people are just being ask complete assholes. So I didn't consider that they would have to be soldiers, so to speak, along with me. Um, yes, they've graciously accepted it, but you know, that is something that's a constant conversation in our family. And and just the fact that I have to prepare, even when I speak to you here, I have to mentally and emotionally prepare to have this conversation because I go back to little Aziza. I go back to being a little Aziza in order to communicate as effectively how what happened to me has impacted me and my life and the little girl that I was. So then after that, I have to decompress. I have to, you know, meditate and possibly take a long bath. It would be nice to have an orgasm, but that's not always that convenient. But, you know, those kinds I do have to actually take steps to prepare before and then to decompress afterwards. And I I don't think a lot of people know that.

Fatima Bey: 12:05

I I and that's the thing is I wanted to make sure that people could hear it from from your in your voice. Um, there's not just you, but a lot of people who've been through whatever serious heavy trauma they've been through. And when they have to get on a stage, in this case it's a podcast, and talk about it, that's not easy. I mean, I I just know how hard it was. I did an episode a few months ago when I talked about um, you know, something that was extremely traumatic in in my family's life and how I went from Minneapolis to New York and the story behind it. And that that was I was surprised at um how jarring it was to just talk about it publicly. And when you've had your entire life um formed and your entire mind formed and in a uh by an abuser, it's it's a whole different level. And I think I think people don't really get that. But uh one thing I would do want to say to you is I understand as a mother, you don't want your kids to have to be your defender. And you kind of just want them to be kids. Uh, but it is what it is. But I will say the one thing that their kids are learning from you is watching you. I don't even know your kids, but I promise they are learning how to be resilient themselves. They're gonna be better adults than a lot of their peers because of watching you. Because you're not hiding, um, like a lot of parents do. They want to hide and pretend you're not hiding anything. You're like, this is what it is, and if I can make it through it, then maybe someone else can too. Mm-hmm. Exactly. And um I I really have a lot of respect for you for for doing that. Now I want to take a turn and ask you this. Um, this is even a deeper question. Because I know that there's a lot of young diseases out there right now. If a young woman listening right now is still living in silence with her abuser, what is the first truth she needs to say to herself before she can ever get up and tell the world like you did?

Aziza Kibibi: 14:18

I think the first thing that she would have to say to herself is that it's not her fault. And I know that that is a statement that is often echoed, especially now as our culture and our society has become more aware of the impacts of abuse, we have to keep saying the mantra, it's not your fault. And I'm gonna say why, even though it's commonly said it is the first thing. Because as a victim, as someone who is experiencing the consequences of another person's choice, it is extremely difficult to get away from the idea that you did something for that choice to affect you, that you did something to draw that energy to you, that uh maybe you said the wrong thing or you looked too long or you wore the wrong outfit. Like that is the most that is the most difficult thing. And I remember even after my mother found out that my father was abusing me and she would not leave him, she would not run away. There were there was one specific opportunity um that she didn't take. I asked her, well, mommy, if you didn't get pregnant with me, would you not have married daddy? Because they she got pregnant with me before they got married. And she didn't answer the question, but I truly felt like had I not been born, then all of these things would not be happening to me, to her, to anybody else that my father was abusing. So yeah, I the that is what the many little diseases need to understand first and foremost, that it is not their fault, no matter how much it feels like it is.

Fatima Bey: 16:21

Do you still believe that it's not your fault now?

Aziza Kibibi: 16:25

Oh, I that's not a belief, my dear. That is knowledge. I know for a fact. It is your fault.

Fatima Bey: 16:33

And I wanted to hear you say that. It's it's not. And for the young Azizas who are out there right now going through your silent suffering, I want you to hear from someone who's been where you are. It's not your fault. It's really not your fault. And that's just the beginning. So, Aziza, you have taken um what advice do you have for those of us who are around girls like you were in the world today?

Aziza Kibibi: 17:07

So much advice, let's see. So, so much advice. Where do I start? Um for those who are around girls, uh other Azizas, and we cannot forget the boys too. Um, there are boys out there suffering, and their experience is different. It, yes, it's the same as far as the abusers, but how our culture approaches the abusive boys, it is different. So they're going to respond differently. Um, but for all of those people that are around, you have to listen. You have to listen. You have to recognize that this experience is so nuanced. And as common as it is, being a victim of sexual abuse is really out of the ordinary and really throws you off of what your life could have been. It completely changes your path, and managing the impacts of that type of abuse infects every aspect of your world. And and it completely changes you. I mean, there is there there are science there is scientific proof that it completely rewrites your brain, completely re-rewives your brain. You can develop differently physically from this type of trauma. And I think that people need to recognize that and really internalize that, that after something like this happens, this person is completely transformed. So, so listening and really understanding the person who has been affected, their perspective, their voice, the way they think, and just being more compassionate to the healing process. Um, we we don't need people to judge us, you know. You have to also, as someone on the outside, know that it isn't their fault as well, just like a survivor has to tell themself it's not their fault and understand that it's not their fault. So do people on the outside, because for some reason, this whole blaming the victim philosophy is re-traumatizing to a victim and a survivor. So if you want to help, you should want to help. Not everybody wants to help, but you should want to help. And even if you are not actively helping, just at the end of the day, you have judgmental or cruel thoughts. Keep them to yourself. Keep them to yourself, shut up, listen, and learn.

Fatima Bey: 19:46

That's that's a common theme I keep hearing amongst my guests. Shut up and listen. So, Aziza, because I think that needs to be said more often, especially us grown folks who think we know everything. We need to shut up and listen sometimes, especially when it comes to our youth. Um, so you've taken, you've taken your turmoil, what you've been through, and you've turned it into a platform that helps others. So tell us about the services and products that you offer.

Aziza Kibibi: 20:14

So we uh uh aside from my wonderful energy, um, I I started a nonprofit called Precious Little Ladies Inc. And um we are expanding to include more services for boys too. So we're expanding our brand to PLL nonprofit nonprofit for precious little ladies and precious little lads. And we offer preventative services. We distribute sexual abuse prevention kits to preschools, uh, rec centers, daycare centers to help educate families on recognizing the signs of abuse. It is age appropriate so that families can have the conversation on how their children can protect themselves without it being overwhelming. Uh, we also offer free therapy through our partnership with BetterHelp. And if you just go to our website, you'll be able to find the information on how you can sign up through BetterHelp, you get through PLL, you get six months of mental health care through BetterHelp. Oh, wow. Yeah. And um, we have an event coming up called the Raising Awareness Kite Flight. And I have found, not only through my own experience, but through a lot of research that Precious Little Ladies does, that survivors, when survivors are active in their healing process and active in helping others, it does help them along their healing journey because it symbolizes taking something like what I have done, taking something devastating, taking something where your power has been taken away from you, and then using your power to transform it into something to helping someone else. So our awareness raising kite flight invites the community out to fly kites symbolically to kind of overcome the turmoil of a rough wind and rise above your challenges. And also it helps the community access resources. So we have a lot of community partners that deal with homelessness, mental health, um, food insecurities, childcare that come out and help the community identify them and know who they are and how they could access them. So that's coming up on September 20th. Um, that's just an overview of the services. We give workshops, I do public speaking engagements, I travel all over. We do work internationally, virtually, um, and the list just goes on. We do a lot of research and take a lot of surveys because, as I mentioned before, well, how can people on the outside help someone like a little Aziza? So we get the information directly from survivors and then use that to not only inform our programs, but also share with our partners and our stakeholders within the community so that they can improve on their services themselves.

Fatima Bey: 23:26

How can listeners assist you? Uh money.

Aziza Kibibi: 23:33

That's what helps. The donate button. The donate button is on our website.

Fatima Bey: 23:41

So listen, y'all, go to Prish Precious Little Ladies, find that donate button. Because as you just heard, uh, she she just gave you an overview. They're doing a lot, like a whole lot. Um, a whole, whole, whole lot. And I love, love, love so much that you're doing this. Uh, and really helping other people to to come out because that is how the healing starts. It's only the beginning, but it's you gotta start. And that is so beautiful. So tell tell people how they can find you. What's your websites?

Aziza Kibibi: 24:09

So the web, my website is aziza keybi.com, az I Z A K I B I B I dot com and preciouslitteladies.org. Precious Little Ladies. I won't I won't spell it out, but preciouslitteladies.org and all over social media, it's P L L nonprofit. And all over social media, I'm Aziza KBB. I also wrote a book.

Fatima Bey: 24:36

Well, thank you, Aziza.

Aziza Kibibi: 24:37

I just got that in there.

Fatima Bey: 24:39

Tell them where can I find that? Well, that's on your website.

Aziza Kibibi: 24:42

Yes, that's on my website, and you can get it on Amazon as well.

Fatima Bey: 24:46

All right. Thank you so much, Aziza, for coming on. I really, really appreciate you taking the time to just not just on this podcast, but all that you do to advocate for the little Azizas out there. Thank you so much.

Aziza Kibibi: 25:00

Thank you, Fatima. It's been a pleasure.

Fatima Bey: 25:05

You've been listening to My Shift Power Podcast for complete show notes on this episode. And to join our global movement, find us at FatimaBay.com. Until next time, always remember there's power in shifting your thinking.