Speaker 1 (00:02.36)

My

This is Mind Shift Power Podcast, the number one critically acclaimed podcast where we have raw, unfiltered conversations that shape tomorrow. I'm your host, Fatima Bey, the Mind Shifter.

Welcome everyone. Today we have with us Laura Olinger. She is out of Texas in the USA. She is a teen and parent wellbeing coach. It's not often we get someone who can actually bridge that gap between teens and parents, but we have someone on today who's really good at it. One of the hardest things to do in 2025 is parenting. I really believe that. So parents, this conversation is for you.

How are you doing today, Laura?

I'm good. It's good to be here. Thank you.

Speaker 2 (00:57.698)

I'm really looking forward to this conversation and especially with you. So tell us today, why are you on this podcast?

Yeah, man, I'm so glad you asked that. I know how passionately I feel about parenting. And when I find somebody that feels equally as passionate, I get excited because I feel like it's like the most important job in the world. I really do. And so I just want to share kind of my knowledge and also my passion for parents.

And we're gonna hear that. So I like to dive right in. So let's start off with this. A lot of parents won't admit it, but many are tempted to give up on their kids. From what you've seen, why do parents get to that point?

Man, that's a big question. I think to simplify, the most simple answer is they just aren't equipped emotionally, mentally, with the tools. They don't know how to do it. They don't know what to do. And so when they don't know what to do, they start to feel incompetent, like they're a failure. They start to feel scared.

And it's just kind of easier to just say, hey, I'm putting my hands up, I'm out. go ahead, sorry.

Speaker 2 (02:32.596)

No, go ahead. Go ahead.

Yeah, no, just as opposed to rolling up their sleeves and putting in the work. Because if you're at that point, there's obviously a reason and it does require a lot of work. requires, one of the hardest things is introspection. So self-awareness, looking inward. Like where is this coming from inside of me? And that can really dig up

some pain for a lot of people. Because it generally, I hate to generalize, but I'm generalizing, it generally stems from the way they were parented in their childhood. And that can be really messy and really painful for so many people. And so it's easier to just kind of like keep a block up and keep a wall up and not kind of connect with that. They're almost like disassociating from that.

And so they're disassociating from their past, but then they're also disassociating from the present, the current time, because they're like, I can't do it.

go back to something you said in the very beginning of answering that, one key word that pops up. Now, the reason I'm having this episode is because in talking with, you deal with parents more than I do, but in talking with parents and school counselors, the people and community organizers and just people who work with parents and kids in general, this is a theme that I'm constantly hearing. It's an epidemic right now with parents wanting to give up on their kids and it's not being talked about.

Speaker 2 (04:12.494)

One of the key words that I think of is hopeless. Do you think that that is an accurate term for how a lot of parents are feeling right now?

Yeah, hopeless sounds, right. I agree because when you're hopeless, it's like there's no other options, right? Like you're out of options. I think when a parent is giving up on their child, that's exactly where they are. They're out of options.

Right. I said, I wanted to point that out because most people don't think of that word. They think of the explanation. They don't think of that actual word. And I want some of them listening right now to recognize that that's the term that goes with how they're feeling right now.

Yeah, and can I say something? It kind of resonates with to me the word like despair. that's like one of, despair is really one of the painful human emotions that there is, right? Like hope is, when you have hope, that means, there's a chance. there's a possibility, even if it's just 1%. But when you are hopeless, you're down to zero, right? And that is like,

despair that's kind of like on the equivalent of like total just yeah giving up.

Speaker 2 (05:34.08)

Yeah. And I, it's so hard to put words to it. It's just where a lot of parents are and I just want to talk about it and acknowledge it. So here's another thing that I find is an issue and it's I talk about on this podcast in various forms all the time. We were raised in a different world. It's not 1984, 1991, 1976.

many parents are still trying to parent with the old playbook. What happens when we try to use those old tools in today's reality?

Yeah. I think it just makes everything worse, to be honest. There are... When I think of the old school, old playbook of parenting, I think of harshness, I think of control, I think of punishment. The other thing I think of is the kind of... a little bit checked out, kind of not involved. I think of, you know, back in the day when...

you know, they told us to go play outside and don't come home until it's dark or whatever. It's just, it was kind of like you're on your own. So that just doesn't work because they're, they're between kind of the two things I just described. That's just a recipe for disaster.

Yes. So what happens is people check out. And the kids check out from listening to what we have to say when we're not being relatable. Is that a good way to say it?

Speaker 1 (07:13.812)

Yeah, yeah, if...

And I'm gonna use this whole cell phone and technology thing as an example, but it's just an example. It really relates to every other thing that's going on in today's society. parents don't understand how crucial that is for a teenager to feel connected. Exactly, yeah. And it's the very first thing that almost every parent I've seen

Okay.

Speaker 1 (07:45.12)

It's their go-to as far as trying to control the child. That's it. I'm taking your phone. I'm taking your phone. I'm taking your phone. Like, I can't tell you how many times I hear parents say, I'm taking your phone. You don't get your phone this weekend. You don't get it tonight. You don't get it, right? And it's just like...

It's very,

What? It's very, I don't know, it's kind of giving me this feeling of disgust, almost inhuman, because, and I'm not making an argument, by the way, that a teenager should have their phone 24 seven or access 24 seven. I'm actually not saying that at all. Like there does need to be some structure in place. can't just hand a kid a phone and be like, good luck. Hope you don't run into any weird psychos out there who try to take your money and six store you, right? Yeah, no for real.

Right? then there's, you know, it's not that at all, but when a parent resorts to some type of tactic, and that's typically the one to try to get cooperation, that just doesn't work either. And I'm talking specifically about teenagers, but really any kids, no person wants to be controlled. Like, we're humans. We don't operate that way. We resist.

Yes. And I want to ask you this. So, because I think this is a big one and it really could be a whole episode by itself. Parents are afraid of two extremes. At least American parents anyway. Being too harsh and losing their kid, you know, being that militant disciplinarian or being too soft and losing authority, which is, you know, being that

Speaker 2 (09:30.594)

that rug that the kid walks all over, can disrespect you any time. How do parents stay balanced without giving up or going to those two extremes?

Speaker 1 (09:43.09)

That is kind of the pinnacle of what my work is about. hard to sum it up in just a short answer. However, if I had to, it would just be the two simple concepts of love and expectations or discipline. the expectations and discipline kind of go together and love and empathy.

kind of go together and combine those things together.

Break that down, Laura.

Yeah, so for example, I'm gonna set up a boundary or an expectation for my child because I love them. So say I'm a parent who doesn't want their kid to have their phone in their room at night, it's because I love them and because I care. If I had no rules whatsoever, then that would just mean kind of I either A, I'm just not a strong enough person or a leader to be able to implement them, but B, it means I don't.

care. And so when a parent who's too soft, the one that the child's walking all over, that's the parent that really needs to see themselves, identify themselves more as the leader in the role model. And we're not friends with our kids. We're their parent. There's a power differential. Yes. But that doesn't mean that we're taking advantage of the power differential. It just means that it exists.

Speaker 1 (11:16.642)

Kids feel loved when they feel safe. The number one thing I always say is safety, safety, safety. That means emotional safety, physical safety, psychological safety, every type of safety. And so those parents who are just letting their kid do whatever or walk all over them, their kid probably doesn't feel safe. probably need, or they definitely need those parameters or those boundaries in place. And it will be amazing kind of the...

the shift that happens. think, gosh, I'm just setting myself up for fights or whatever if I do that. But no, it's actually the opposite. you'll actually, your child will, and I'm not, I'm careful to use the word respect because I think respect has to go both ways. The parent needs to respect the child, but the child needs to respect the parent. And so when we're too soft, we just like are not even setting up an environment for any type of respect.

And then the kind of the opposite end, like you were talking about that militant style, they're really lacking that warmth and empathy and connection. are you, how are you feeling about this thing? And I understand why you might be mad that I took your phone. That makes total sense to me. And I'm doing it because I care about you. And so sometimes kids don't like just blanket rules without an explanation. They need to understand like there's a reason behind it.

And you know, kids can breathe, they're logical people. Like if they hear from the parent, this is why. Look, they don't have to agree. They don't have to be happy about it, but at least they understand.

Right, they can still have an attitude. So you can still have an attitude, be pissed off that I took your phone, but don't be disrespectful. That's that, that's that balance. And yeah, I sometimes, unfortunately, when I hear other people giving parenting advice, they're giving this fluffy, ideally, you know, little Johnny, don't, I don't want you to be upset. No, little Johnny, it's okay, you're pissed off right now.

Speaker 2 (13:16.812)

But I'm doing this because this is better for you. When you have those conversations, they might be, I think sometimes, and you can respond to this Laura, I think sometimes people don't recognize there's a difference between response and results. When it comes to parenting, we need to be more focused on results than response, correct?

I love that. think that is such a great way to put it because, we're so, so, we kind of, not we, but people tend to get overly sensitive about the response. Like, my gosh, they slammed the door. my gosh, they yelled at me. Or, my gosh, they did this. And it's like so reactive. Like it's very reactive. it's like, that's not, I mean, imagine if like that's how the world ran.

Maybe it does, but that's not ideal. We don't wanna just be reactive. We wanna be proactive. We wanna be planning. We wanna be kind of using our prefrontal cortex because we're the adult and we wanna be the planner. And if we can see the big picture, that's our job to kind of see how all these pieces are gonna come together. Then yeah, it's like we need to be more focused on that part, the overall process.

I have a quote that I think that you'll find interesting. have, well, the audience may or may not know this, but I have over 500 of my own quotes. I'm not exaggerating. When you see me posting stuff all over social media, those are literally all my own words. They're not all quotes. Sometimes they're words of wisdom. But one of them is that I say that, and I don't even remember how I worded this, because they come to me in moments and I write them down. But parenting isn't just about developing the child, it's also developing the parent.

And I think when parents don't recognize that, sometimes they unnecessarily beat themselves up because they think they're supposed to be perfect, which is a bunch of bullshit. There's no such thing as a perfect parent. Well, there is. There is. Perfect parents do exist. All we have to do is close our eyes and then we'll find them. But, I mean, in reality, they don't. Even the best of best parents made mistakes. That's just normal, honestly, right?

Speaker 1 (15:35.744)

Well, I think it's crucial that a parent almost does make mistakes because that way it's a model for the teenager of, hey, I messed up. Can you accept my apology? Let's repair this. And I'm sorry, I messed up. And that way when the teenager messes up, they don't feel so bad about themselves because they're like, yeah, this is normal. My mom or my dad has modeled mistakes and repair for me.

Yes, and let me tell you, I'm gonna add to that. One of the key things that parents don't think about, they try to hide their mistakes and lie to the kids. Trust me, you ain't lying to nobody, they know, even if they don't say anything to you. You ain't lying to nobody, they know. But what matters isn't the mistake, but how we deal with it, right? Because when a kid sees that we were wrong and we adulted, had an adult response and we admitted it,

and made a change so we don't make that mistake again. That teaches that child a skill that's going to get them promotions, that's gonna get them ahead in business, that's gonna get them ahead in relationships, am I right?

my gosh, I mean, I'm nodding. I know the audience can't see me, but yes, I'm nodding big time because yeah, mean, that is, if everybody could master that, think of what a different world would be. And the other thing about that is talk about earning or gaining respect from your child. If you can own up to your mistake.

my gosh, that child will respect you 100 times more than if you try to lie about it, cover it up, pretend like it didn't happen, whatever it might be. my gosh, I mean, because it's a sign, it's a true sign of strength that someone can say, I screwed up, it's on me, it's my bad, you know, please forgive me.

Speaker 2 (17:25.898)

Yeah, that's a really big deal. That keyword respect and one of the ways you win respect isn't being perfect, it's admitting when you're not. Because even just think about it outside of parenting, when you see someone cover up their wrongs, you don't respect them. But when you see someone go through the vulnerability of admitting their mistake and then trying to right it, you do gain respect for that person.

parents or not. that's just a human thing. And don't forget, parents are humans. At least most of you. you know. But let me, wanna really go back to what we talked about in the beginning. Because we talked about parents checking out or giving up. But I think a lot of times people don't recognize what that actually looks like. So what are the subtle ways parents check out without even realizing it?

Like the signs that they're emotionally given up or even, even though they're still physically present.

Yeah, I mean, I think just like with almost everything that I do and talk about, there is kind of a spectrum with this. But the most, I would say, like visible sign is the parent who is staring at their phone all the time or staring at their computer all the time or staring at their TV all the time. you know, they're physically there, but they're not engaged. They're not having conversation. They're not checking in with their child. I'm not saying you have to talk to your kid for an hour every day. I'm saying

two minutes there, good morning, let me hug you, how did you sleep? Get home from school, hey, what was the best part of your day? Just small, simple things are what we're looking for. And so when a parent isn't doing that, when they're giving up, they're either on their devices, they're just occupying. kind of like, it's almost like self-medication overstimulated. They're trying to like really calm their nervous system. And so whatever that might be, it could be phone, it could be...

Speaker 1 (19:26.35)

drugs or alcohol or any kind of thing that is a coping mechanism that we kind of classify as like an unhelp healthy. So when a parent is going to some type of a coping mechanism, it's a way to calm their nervous system. They're like overstimulated and they just need to calm themselves. And so that's where kind of part of what I do is help everybody just get emotionally regulated because that's how we connect.

So, would you say an example would be of someone who's kind of checked out as a parent is, I don't really care what little Johnny does. I don't really ask about his friends. I don't ask about how his day was at school. I don't really get involved in his personal life. I just provide a house and some food and give him rides. Is that a form of checking out?

That's 100%, 100%. I mean, talk about making a kid feel just like they're either a burden or a nuisance or a roommate. Like, a kid doesn't feel that they have a parent if that's all that's happening.

Right. A parent isn't just about being a provider. That's a piece of the pie. It's not the whole pie. But I've said that because I think that at least in the US, that's a huge problem, is the kids are raising themselves. And they're not being taught anything. And I want to say this to parents, and Laura, you can chime in here. When it comes to parenting, I think one of the things that parents...

lot, sometimes don't realize maybe because of how they were raised, whatever you don't teach them, society will. And that's a little scary.

Speaker 1 (21:16.78)

Really, yes. Which is why the very first thing I said is parenting is the most important job in the world and I can't emphasize that enough because, and those give up parents are gonna be like, well, I don't care what my kid learns. It's like, no offense, but you should, you should care, you should care.

So we only talked about a couple of the subtle ways that parents check out, but we could have a whole episode just on that. But let me ask you this, if there's one mind shift you want parents to walk away from this conversation, one thought that would keep them from giving up, what would that be?

Man, I love that question so much. And I really just want to bridge from the last thing we were just talking about, which is the thing that came to my mind is that I think a lot of times, or probably a good portion of the time when those parents are giving up and they're just providing the house and the rides and the food or whatever.

A lot of parents I think are just resentful of their kids. They resent that they're costing them money. Like, you're a pain in my butt, you cost me money, you eat my food, you don't say thank you, you're not grateful. You're just kind of like a nuisance. And the thing that I would want to share is to completely really attempt to flip that on its head and realize, what?

Blessing it is, I don't know if everybody likes that word, but that's the word I use, blessing. Yeah, I like Is a human, it's a child, you brought them into this world. I would love every parent to just have some gratitude. And it's so ironic because what they want is their kid to have gratitude. But it needs to start from the parent. The parent needs to have gratitude that they have this child in their life. There's so much gift in that.

Speaker 2 (22:51.416)

This

Speaker 1 (23:15.692)

So that's what I would say. Just be thankful for this human. Be thankful for them.

Girl, this is why I had you on. You just said a powerfully impactful statement right there. It's probably the biggest thing you've said. Maybe ever. know, it's, yeah, they're not just a burden, they're a gift. They're an opportunity for you to make a difference in the world. You have a chance to shape a life that might go on to shape other lives. That's a big freaking deal.

You know, it's also why some parents, the good ones, you know, feel pressured and understandably so. But at the end of the day, like I said, parenting isn't just about shaping the child, it's also about shaping the parent. Because now you're learning how to be a better human. Now that you have to take care of one, now that you have to raise one, now that you have to realize, I got to be responsible for what comes out of my mouth. Oh, I need to care about my attitude because they're learning to be a jerk to people like me.

whatever it is, know, whatever it is, or to be nice and giving, whatever it is. But I think what you just said is extremely powerful to be grateful. So Laura, you do a lot. I know that you're really good at speaking and doing seminars. So what services do you offer and how can people find you?

Yeah, thank you. The easiest way to find me is my website, positivelyhealthycoaching.com. And my services are, I have a kind of a gamut from one-on-one coaching. And by the way, one-on-one is never one-on-one. People come to me and they say, here, fix my child. My child has a problem. And I say, yes, and you will be involved with this process. I will be coaching the parent as well. And so I do that.

Speaker 1 (25:06.744)

coaching, I also, a deeper level I have of that is something that's pretty intense and I don't accept. Well, I don't accept every client that comes my way in the first place for the one-on-one coaching, but I also offer an in-home transformation, which is I'll actually come live with a family for four days and I will come in your house. Yeah.

I didn't see that on your site. What?

Yes, yes, it's not listed. It's not listed. I will come in your home and I will transform it. And that includes coaching. Like we're going to coach. We're not going to just get everything done in four days, but we're going to change a lot in four days. I would say 80 % changes in those four days. And then the 20 % is kind of the maintenance and the kind of tweaking things as we go. And then after that, yeah, I do workshops for parents, workshops for teenagers, keynotes.

Speaking all the stuff and I do have my own podcast. It's called the positively healthy mom podcast So yep, those are those are all the things I do

You do a lot more than I thought. I didn't know about the, wow, that's different. I'll talk to you about that after we're done recording. Now, thank you, Laura, so much for coming on. I've absolutely loved, loved, loved, loved talking to you. And I look forward to our other conversations and you've been a treat. And I hope that parents out there listening really recognize there's somebody out there who is positive, but not full of fluff, who's real.

Speaker 2 (26:34.272)

and relatable and realize that's you.

Thank you so much.

And now for a mind-shifting moment.

Parents listening right now.

I want you to understand something very deeply. As we stated earlier in this episode, parenting is not easy. It's a challenge. It's the life, your life's biggest challenge, really. It's hard. But I want you to also understand a different perspective that you're probably not thinking about. What it feels like to be given up on. Your child is growing up. They're deciding who they are. They're learning what their value is.

Speaker 2 (27:21.186)

The first place we learn what our value is is at home. And when we give up on them, we send all kinds of messages. We make all kinds of statements that our mouth may never have. You see, as parents, everything that we do makes a statement, whether we want it to or not. Some are good and some are bad. Quite frankly, that's normal. But when we give up on our children, whether they're in the house or you sent them to live with grandma,

We send the message that you're not worthy. Now, if you have a child who already has low self-esteem, and most of the ones who do don't realize that that's the case, and they're the ones that we have the biggest problems with 90 % of the time, if someone already has low self-esteem, when you give up on them, what you say is, am confirming that you are a piece of shit. No, that's not the message you want to send.

but I'm letting you know it's the one that's received.

When we give up on our children, when we stop disciplining them, we stop giving efforts at what's going to be better for them and focus on what's going to be better for us. We send the message to confirm their bad feelings about themselves, to confirm those bad thoughts about themselves in their head. And once you do that, the damage is almost permanent. They will go through life.

accepting relationships they should not because they don't think they're worth anything. If my own parent doesn't want me, how worthy can I be?

Speaker 2 (29:07.864)

How can I be worth anything if my own parent doesn't want me? I just want you to think about that. This is not about a guilt trip, but about reality. You have to think about what's going on in their developing brain. And I don't mean developing because of their age. I mean developing their sense of self, their sense of worth, and how you respond right now.

is shaping that and or confirming something good or bad. I want you to think about that because I know that damage.

Speaker 2 (29:53.794)

You've been listening to Mind Shipped Power Podcast for complete show notes on this episode and to join our global movement, find us at FatimaBay.com. Until next time, always remember there's power in shifting your thinking.