Desperate For A Man (Episode55)
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Desperate for a Man: The Silent Epidemic Destroying Lives
In a raw and unfiltered conversation, Fatima Bey and Miss Lulu, a sexual assault investigator, delve into the heart-wrenching reality of women trapped in cycles of abuse. This episode isn't just a discussion; it's a piercing wake-up call, a desperate plea to break the chains of desperation that bind women to destructive relationships.
Introducing Miss Lulu
Miss Lulu is not the guest's real name. It is a pseudonym to protect the identity of a sexual assault investigator. Due to the sensitive nature of her work and to ensure her safety, she has chosen to remain anonymous. This also adds to the gravity of the subject matter.
The Desperation Dilemma: A Need That Destroys
Miss Lulu's experience reveals a chilling pattern: women, desperate for male validation, repeatedly choose abusive partners. This isn't just a series of unfortunate choices; it's a cry for help masked as a search for love. "They have to have a man to validate themselves," Miss Lulu states, highlighting the core issue. This isn't about finding a partner; it's about finding a reflection of self-worth that they can't see within themselves.
Beyond the Bruises: The Trauma That Lingers
The conversation exposes the naivety of believing abuse only affects the victim. "It affects everyone," Miss Lulu asserts. Children witnessing domestic violence suffer more than those directly abused, a stark reminder that the ripple effects of abuse extend far beyond the immediate victim.
The Teen Tragedy: A Cycle of Violence
Miss Lulu shatters the illusion that young love is innocent. For teens raised in abusive environments, violence becomes normalized, a twisted blueprint for future relationships. "That's the only thing that 16-year-old girl knows," she explains. Without intervention, this cycle perpetuates, each generation more damaged than the last.
More Than a Punch: The Insidious Nature of Abuse
Abuse isn't always physical. It's the insidious comments, the mental manipulation, the constant erosion of self-worth. "He doesn't have to put his hands on you to make you feel like a piece of shit," Fatima rightly points out. This form of abuse, often dismissed, leaves scars that run deeper than any physical wound.
Children in the Crossfire: The Ultimate Betrayal
The most heart-wrenching aspect of this epidemic is the children caught in the crossfire. Miss Lulu's daily encounters reveal the horrifying truth: children are not collateral damage; they are primary targets. "You need to decide who's more important, that man or your children," she states, a stark challenge to mothers prioritizing abusive partners over their own flesh and blood.
A Mother's Responsibility: Breaking the Chain
Fatima shares her own experience, a child witnessing her mother's abuse, to underscore the lasting impact on children. It's a personal testament to the urgency of breaking this cycle. "If you feel guilty, good if it makes you move," she declares. This isn't about shame; it's about awakening the maternal instinct to protect, to nurture, to prioritize the child's well-being above all else.
The Teen's Truth: Finding Worth Within
Miss Lulu's message to teens is a beacon of hope. "You do not need a man or a woman to fulfill you," she states. It's a call to self-discovery, to building a foundation of self-worth that no abuser can shatter.
A Call to Action: Breaking the Silence
This episode is a call to action, a demand to break the silence that shrouds abuse. It's a reminder that help is available, that change is possible, and that every individual, regardless of their past, deserves a life free from abuse.
MindShifting Moment
"Are you so desperate for a partner that you sacrifice your children for him or her?" This isn't just a question; it's a mirror reflecting the harsh reality of misplaced priorities. It's a challenge to redefine love, to recognize self-worth, and to break free from the chains of desperation.
Can I read the full transcript of this episode?
00:01.10
fatimabey
And welcome, everyone. Today we have with us someone we're going to call Miss Lulu. And she's going to be anonymous today for for good reason. And she's just somewhere in the US. Her position is she is a sexual assault investigator. And she specifically works with a lot of teens and adolescents. How are you today, Miss Lulu?
00:25.73
Miss Lou Lou
I'm great. Thank you for having me.
00:28.55
fatimabey
So tell us a little bit about what you do.
00:34.67
Miss Lou Lou
So I am investigating sexual assault on women, um, teens, women, a little bit of all of the above, um, when they come in because something has happened, I'm their, their first point of contact. I'm the one that they tell their story to.
00:50.32
fatimabey
um Okay. Why did we call this episode desperate for a man?
00:58.23
Miss Lou Lou
We called it desperate for a man because in every one of the incidents that I investigate, we find that these women have no self worth. They find their worth in the man that they're with. And they continuously pick these patterns of men who are not good for them, are not the greatest men in the world. And they continue to get victimized by all these different types of men that they choose because they can't be alone.
01:28.57
Miss Lou Lou
They can't not have a man in their life. And because they can't have, or they can't be alone, they always pick the wrong ones.
01:39.94
fatimabey
you said they ah all of these different men in their lives it sounds to me like you're saying they're picking the same man over and over again in a different body now
01:49.07
Miss Lou Lou
That is 100% accurate.
01:51.83
fatimabey
the reason why i'm talking to the audience now one of the reasons why i had patty on we initially started talking about something completely different and then we went into this topic because We're both very passionate about it, and we just went on and on. um What is something that, as an investigator, you have seen a lot when it comes to children?
02:16.94
Miss Lou Lou
I know you said my real name. Do you want to do that again or do you want me to just pick up right there?
02:20.09
fatimabey
Shit. I did.
02:23.35
Miss Lou Lou
Yeah.
02:23.33
fatimabey
Fuck.
02:24.38
Miss Lou Lou
But I can just pick up and then you can edit that part.
02:26.70
fatimabey
No, let's start all over again.
02:27.80
Miss Lou Lou
Okay.
02:27.99
fatimabey
I want it to be, I want it to flow.
02:29.82
Miss Lou Lou
Okay.
02:29.94
fatimabey
So, damn it. Thank you for catching that. Thank you for catching that. And I need to, because it says Patty Stewart on the top, so I automatically went through that.
02:34.92
Miss Lou Lou
Of course.
02:37.90
Miss Lou Lou
Oh, see, and I changed my name to say Miss Lulu to try to see if that would help, but yeah.
02:42.70
fatimabey
No, because I'm looking at even, it says Ms. Lulu on the sheet, but the name on the interview sheets is Patty.
02:47.88
Miss Lou Lou
Oh yeah.
02:49.05
fatimabey
So I have to remember, let me do this. Hold on.
02:57.19
fatimabey
I'm going to do something here.
02:57.53
Miss Lou Lou
Okay.
02:58.15
fatimabey
Hold on.
03:09.89
fatimabey
Alright, I'm gonna do that from now on. Miss Lulu now appears first and your name's second.
03:14.50
Miss Lou Lou
okay
03:16.48
fatimabey
So we'll start again. when you get when i When I say tell us what you do, um you can you I only have three questions on here because I know there's so much that you can explain.
03:27.74
fatimabey
You can give long-winded answers because of the fact that I intentionally only am only asking two or three questions through the entire thing because I know there's a lot of conversation there.
03:34.60
Miss Lou Lou
Okay.
03:36.49
fatimabey
So you yeah and i what you what you technically do go ahead and say that but what you've actually seen I want you to go right into that because that's what prompted this conversation about what you see with uh your children or you can let me ask it but I can ask it actually but just kind of explain ah as much as you want to and remember you're free to say whatever you want as long as it's true all right let's start again
03:46.59
Miss Lou Lou
Okay.
03:58.48
Miss Lou Lou
Bye. okay
04:05.31
fatimabey
And welcome everyone. This episode is called Desperate for a Man. You're gonna find out as you listen. So today I have with us an anonymous guest. We're gonna call her Miss Lulu, and she is from somewhere in the US, and she is a sexual assault investigator. on But this is about more than just her position as that. And we're gonna talk about, we're gonna talk about that. So Miss Lulu, how you how you doing today?
04:34.26
Miss Lou Lou
I'm great. How are you doing?
04:36.05
fatimabey
I'm good. um As you know, I like to dive right into the topic. So tell us what you do and then tell us why are we calling this episode desperate for a man?
04:46.92
Miss Lou Lou
Definitely. So as you said, I'm a sexual assault investigator. And what that means is I am the first point of contact for these women when they are calling into law enforcement, into medical, into wherever they are going.
05:00.61
Miss Lou Lou
I'm the one that gets all those gruesome details. I'm the one that they tell their entire story to.
05:03.44
fatimabey
who
05:05.93
Miss Lou Lou
I'm the one that plays 500 questions with them in order to find out what happened, why it happened, how it happened, um also how we can help them and how we can move forward with them.
05:17.70
Miss Lou Lou
But of course, we need those details in order to criminally prosecute these individuals that are assaulting them.
05:23.81
fatimabey
Mm hmm.
05:25.98
Miss Lou Lou
And we chose desperate for a man because When we were chatting, we we talked about how these the pattern that we see with these women is that they are continuously picking the wrong men.
05:40.69
Miss Lou Lou
The same man, just in different bodies. However, there is a pattern that they continuously fall into.
05:42.85
fatimabey
Right.
05:46.75
Miss Lou Lou
These women choose not to be alone. They can't be alone. They have to have a man to validate themselves. They have to have a man to prove their worth. They have to have a man in their life because they cannot not have a man.
05:59.86
Miss Lou Lou
And so they continuously pick the wrong men because they're not willing to do the work to better themselves, to pick a better man. They just want a man. Doesn't matter what man, just a man. And we see this pattern, domestic violence, sexual assault, all those different things coming back around and around and around.
06:10.30
fatimabey
Mm hmm.
06:20.30
fatimabey
Well, you know, so I want a man and in I don't want to be alone. So so what if he hits me here and there? It it only affects me, right?
06:30.63
Miss Lou Lou
So a lot of women believe that.
06:32.26
fatimabey
Mm hmm.
06:32.64
Miss Lou Lou
And what the research shows is it doesn't. It affects everyone, especially if you have children. ah The effects of domestic violence on children observing it are worse than receiving it yourself.
06:46.18
Miss Lou Lou
And there's long-term studies that show this. It's not just the person that's getting hit. It is the entire family. It is their friends. It affects their job.
06:57.63
Miss Lou Lou
It affects their day-to-day lives. It's not just the man and the woman or man and man, woman and woman. it's i mean ah Statistically, I always say the man against the woman because that's what the higher statistics show.
07:11.47
fatimabey
Right.
07:12.33
Miss Lou Lou
However, domestic violence is across the board.
07:12.19
fatimabey
Yep.
07:14.64
Miss Lou Lou
That one does not hit just one demographic.
07:14.60
fatimabey
Yep.
07:17.41
Miss Lou Lou
That is every single demographic.
07:20.14
fatimabey
Yep. Rich, poor, black, white, fat, skinny, foreigner, American, whatever.
07:23.88
Miss Lou Lou
100%. Yeah, exactly.
07:25.44
fatimabey
Put a, slap a label on there. Um, yeah, you're, you're a hundred percent right. And this is something I'm extremely, extremely passionate about. And I just really think that more people need to really think about this topic.
07:43.92
fatimabey
It is uncomfortable, it is very sensitive, and that's exactly why we're talking about it because it needs to be talked about.
07:51.34
Miss Lou Lou
Exactly. And yes, it needs to be talked about. It has been a taboo subject for so many decades and something that, you know, as children, we were told you don't discuss outside of the house.
08:02.93
Miss Lou Lou
And it seems like those statistics are going through the roof now, but it's only because we are starting to finally realize that domestic violence hits one in three women. One in three women will experience it in their lifetime.
08:14.16
fatimabey
One and three, wow, wow.
08:16.16
Miss Lou Lou
Yes. And one in four women will be sexually assaulted. That is a horrendous statistic and it's only getting worse.
08:23.07
fatimabey
That is.
08:27.31
fatimabey
And let me add something to this for the audience. The numbers that she's mentioning are only including the stuff that's reported.
08:36.19
Miss Lou Lou
Correct.
08:37.13
fatimabey
Keep that in mind.
08:38.69
Miss Lou Lou
Yeah.
08:38.54
fatimabey
The numbers are actually higher because y'all know half that stuff ain't reported.
08:43.65
Miss Lou Lou
More than half, yeah.
08:43.65
fatimabey
Look around you because you all, every single person listening to me knows that a lot of that stuff is not reported. So keep that in mind when you look at those numbers and the numbers she's saying is completely accurate because I have seen them myself.
08:58.68
Miss Lou Lou
Yeah, rainnetwork.org or rain dot.org is what it is now.
08:58.99
fatimabey
I'm called dead on.
09:02.19
Miss Lou Lou
They can pull up those different groups themselves.
09:02.29
fatimabey
Yeah, yeah, I got I looked at some of those numbers on that organization as well But someone who actually literally works in the system you see things that other people don't You see the patterns up front and that's why as you're saying research says i'm like screw to research What are your eyeballs see damn it, you know, what are our eyeballs?
09:12.28
Miss Lou Lou
one hundred percent 100%. Yeah.
09:22.06
fatimabey
See, what are you what are you experiencing?
09:22.50
Miss Lou Lou
Mm-hmm.
09:23.86
fatimabey
What have you seen around you? Let the research just be what confirms that but you already know
09:28.53
Miss Lou Lou
Right. Mhm.
09:30.45
fatimabey
you know, what you're seeing around you. So I really wanna talk um for a moment about, I wanna talk about a couple of different facets of that, but let's talk about the children.
09:42.61
Miss Lou Lou
Okay.
09:44.09
fatimabey
Let me back up for a second before we get to the children. Let's talk about teenagers. So if if the domestic violence starts off at 16,
09:57.78
fatimabey
What's the likelihood that they're gonna have a healthy relationship at 22?
10:01.24
Miss Lou Lou
0% chance. if the If the relationship is starting at 16 to be violent, what what I've normally seen is that kid also grew up in violence.
10:05.32
fatimabey
Why is that?
10:13.98
Miss Lou Lou
That's the only thing that 16-year-old girl knows. So that is her baseline normal. Now she's picking men who mimic what she sees and feels at home, which is this violence, and it only gets worse because that's all she knows.
10:31.78
Miss Lou Lou
And with that, you're young and dumb at 16. You're young and dumb in your 20s. We don't outgrow or think better in until your prefrontal cortex is fully developed, which is around 25-ish. At that time, though, youre you've already messed up your brain from the domestic violence, from the sexual assaults, from everything you've experienced. Especially if you had any kind of childhood trauma, your brain is already messed up.
11:01.21
Miss Lou Lou
Like you already need to reconnect to those patterns in your brain to create something better. However, you're choosing the same vi cycle you grew up in and you're just continuing that pattern so you won't know any better. By 22, this child will not have a healthy relationship unless she's able to get out of her system, get out of that pattern that she's in. And that takes an outside party coming in and and basically taking over, teaching this kid what real love is.
11:30.41
Miss Lou Lou
teaching this kid what healthy relationships are. Most of us don't know what a healthy relationship is in our teens, let alone our 20s. We don't figure that stuff out until our 30s and 40s. And by that time, she's already experienced 10 to 15 different domestic violence relationships.
11:46.06
fatimabey
Some do know what a health relationship is at 16, but only if they've seen it.
11:50.41
Miss Lou Lou
Correct.
11:50.95
fatimabey
And 90% of America has not seen it.
11:53.97
Miss Lou Lou
Correct.
11:54.80
fatimabey
maybe 80%, I'm not sure the real number, but it's it's it's high up there. most of Most Americans have not seen what a healthy relationship actually looks like, and which is sad, but true.
12:03.85
Miss Lou Lou
Bye.
12:06.39
fatimabey
And so I had an episode recently, ah ah specifically about that, relationship modeling and and how that matters for us. So if if a teenage girl is in a domestic violence situation,
12:25.37
fatimabey
Forget about domestic violence for a second. Let's say he's not putting his hands on her. He's just telling her how stupid and ugly she is and how fat she is and how she's not good enough for him all the time. That's a healthy relationship, right?
12:37.84
Miss Lou Lou
Not at all.
12:40.75
fatimabey
But that's another form of abuse.
12:41.17
Miss Lou Lou
i mean
12:42.39
fatimabey
He doesn't have to put his hands on you in order to make you feel like a piece of shit or to treat you like one.
12:42.99
Miss Lou Lou
right Correct.
12:48.66
Miss Lou Lou
Exactly. Right. Threats are powerful. People do not realize how much people can get away with things by a threat. And the threat of violence is just as effective as the real violence because we know what that pain feels like.
12:58.51
fatimabey
Yeah, you're right, you're right.
13:05.12
Miss Lou Lou
We're afraid of that pain. And so that threat of violence will work.
13:11.02
fatimabey
There's threats and there's also just the simple mental manipulation which which has longer lasting effects than any bruise.
13:14.79
Miss Lou Lou
Oh yeah.
13:19.20
Miss Lou Lou
Oh yeah.
13:20.72
fatimabey
And when we are desperate for a man, we take it.
13:25.23
Miss Lou Lou
Oh yeah.
13:25.38
fatimabey
because we're like, I need that love. And the truth is, is it's not love, is it?
13:30.97
Miss Lou Lou
No, it's manipulation and control.
13:35.70
fatimabey
Absolutely. Let's fast forward to go back to what I was talking about before with children. So this is something that you've seen in your line of work personally.
13:46.92
Miss Lou Lou
Mm hmm.
13:48.12
fatimabey
Children of mothers who are desperate for a man and keep that loser in their house, bring them home, don't have conversations with the kids, that loser is abusive to the mother and or abusive to the child.
14:07.57
Miss Lou Lou
Right.
14:08.26
fatimabey
How often does that happen?
14:10.53
Miss Lou Lou
No, I see a minimum of 150 cases a day.
14:16.37
Miss Lou Lou
Minimum.
14:17.39
fatimabey
What?
14:17.73
Miss Lou Lou
where Where that's the reported cases.
14:22.08
fatimabey
You're right. That's that's a key fact that you just said, Ms. Lulu. Reported.
14:27.24
Miss Lou Lou
Right.
14:27.49
fatimabey
And I want to go back to what I said earlier.
14:28.74
Miss Lou Lou
150 children a day are seeing and or experiencing this where I am.
14:36.71
fatimabey
Wow. That's a lot.
14:39.30
Miss Lou Lou
Yeah.
14:39.36
fatimabey
And that's just crazy. But I know that you're i know that you're telling the truth, but it's still just crazy. that's That shouldn't be.
14:47.71
Miss Lou Lou
Correct.
14:49.33
fatimabey
So what should these mothers with these men that are not good to them and they have children, what should they do?
14:58.52
Miss Lou Lou
We always say leave. it That is easier said than done.
15:02.73
fatimabey
It is.
15:03.33
Miss Lou Lou
We all understand that. We have all been in a situation where you just can't leave yet. The problem is if you have children, you need to decide who's more important, that man or your children.
15:13.41
fatimabey
Bingo. Bingo.
00:30.45
Miss Lou Lou
Okay. So everybody always asks, you know, what's the next step for a woman in this situation? Or what do I need to do? And we always say leave him, leave your abuser. However, that is easier said than done.
00:43.76
fatimabey
Mm-hmm.
00:44.39
Miss Lou Lou
You may have a child with this man. You may be financially dependent on this man. He may have moved you somewhere where you have no resources. But at the end of the day, you need to pick what's more important, this man or your children.
01:00.65
fatimabey
That is key. You said it very big. Can you say that again?
01:05.16
Miss Lou Lou
Yeah, what's more important, the man or your children?
01:10.60
fatimabey
And if you're wondering, if we're talking about you, that choice right there is an answer. Have you chosen the abusive man over your children?
01:23.89
Miss Lou Lou
Exactly.
01:23.83
fatimabey
If the answer is yes, you've made a selfish decision. It's going to be really honest.
01:29.06
Miss Lou Lou
100%.
01:30.99
fatimabey
But if they have made that selfish decision, is it too late for them to change?
01:37.07
Miss Lou Lou
Never. You can always change.
01:38.81
fatimabey
Agreed.
01:40.28
Miss Lou Lou
You have to want to change. You have to be willing to make the changes.
01:42.57
fatimabey
Right?
01:45.06
Miss Lou Lou
You have to go through the motions and get those resources and support and everything else you need in order to make that change. But it's never too late. It's not too late until you're in a body bag.
01:58.50
fatimabey
There you go. And and Ms. Lulu just said it. It's not too late to make that those changes. if If that's you and you recognize that we're talking about you, we're specifically talking about you, it is not too late to to make some changes. Because I can tell you, I was debating on whether or not to share this, but I think it's extremely relevant, so I will. I too was a a a child of a mother that was domestically abused for many years.
02:27.96
fatimabey
She finally got us out of there, but we had to leave everything behind and escape him.
02:35.63
Miss Lou Lou
Yeah.
02:37.14
fatimabey
And I'm grateful that she did. It completely changed our lives, but I was traumatized for over that abuse for many, many, many years.
02:49.66
fatimabey
I could not talk about it without welling up with all kinds of emotions. I had built up anger. I had just, there were so many things that I had no idea were affecting me at that time.
03:06.51
fatimabey
So I know firsthand what you were talking about.
03:07.08
Miss Lou Lou
Yeah.
03:10.16
fatimabey
I know firsthand what it's like to to just, to have those images and sounds come back to your head randomly. The the sounds of her head banging on the wall, the screaming, the the trauma that comes from that.
03:19.97
Miss Lou Lou
Oh yeah.
03:25.22
fatimabey
If you are in an abusive situation, I want you to know that is happening to your child right now. And I'm not saying it to make you feel guilty, but if you feel guilty, good if it makes you move.
03:37.96
fatimabey
I have been in this situation, so I have seen it personally. Ms. Lulu has seen it over and over and over again. And let me tell you, does it also traumatize you, Ms. Lulu, seeing this over and over again?
03:48.66
Miss Lou Lou
Oh yeah. 100%.
03:52.47
fatimabey
It's traumatizing.
03:53.56
Miss Lou Lou
Mm
03:53.92
fatimabey
It's not just traumatizing for you as the abused, but it's traumatizing for everybody around you that has to deal with it, including the police officer, the lawyer in the court who has to know the details of what your man did to your child.
04:04.46
Miss Lou Lou
-hmm.
04:10.56
Miss Lou Lou
Yeah.
04:11.34
fatimabey
How often is sexual molestation a part of that?
04:14.67
Miss Lou Lou
Oh.
04:17.27
Miss Lou Lou
I mean, I see a hundred cases a day and it's not getting any better. It's getting worse.
04:27.60
fatimabey
I believe you. I believe you. Now, I am not in the position that you're in. So I don't get to see everything that you get to see firsthand. But I will say, I've seen the abuse firsthand.
04:41.72
fatimabey
I've experienced the nightmares and the trauma that come from it. But I've also been on the receiving end, like you, of people confessing for the first time the molestations, the rapes, or whatever that have happened to them, their trauma.
04:55.35
Miss Lou Lou
Right.
04:56.45
fatimabey
And it's very, very difficult for me as a normal human being to listen to.
05:03.36
Miss Lou Lou
Oh yeah. it's It's not easy to listen to.
05:04.58
fatimabey
Now they don't know that I'm feeling that way because because I listen to it and I let them cry and i i I do whatever I can for them and I'm there and and I comfort them, but it's difficult. It's very difficult to to listen to. And I'm saying that because for the audience out there, if you were listening and if you were that woman who is in the abusive situation,
05:31.38
fatimabey
Please, I'm begging you for the sake of your children. If nothing else, get out.
05:38.76
Miss Lou Lou
Yeah.
05:39.56
fatimabey
Please, get out. Who is more important? Your desperate need for a man? Your desperate need for false love? Or the health, wealth, insanity of your child?
05:54.83
fatimabey
I'm talking to you right now.
05:58.02
fatimabey
I need you to think about that. And for those that aren't in that situation, just sit by and listen. I'm talking to that woman right now who needs to hear this.
06:10.53
fatimabey
Now I'm gonna turn back to you, Miss Lulu. What do you have to say to the women out there who are in the situations we're talking about?
06:21.20
Miss Lou Lou
get that help, you leave. At the end of the day, your safety and your children's safety is the most important part. And you can't have safety and security and well-being if you're in this type of a relationship. Get the resources. You may feel like you are alone and that there is nobody there to help you. I guarantee you there are people in your community, in your city, township, wherever you are. There is shelters. There are, uh,
06:50.95
Miss Lou Lou
Advocates, there are people in every walks of life who are willing to be that person you need to help to get away. And you just need to reach out. They can't find you if they don't know who you are.
07:04.97
fatimabey
Right. Exactly. you You said it exactly right. There are people everywhere who care. I am not the only person who cares. I just have a microphone and a platform right now. But there are so many other people like me and like Ms. Lulu who actually care. We we care and we'll we'll do whatever we can for you. But we have to foresee you. We have to first know that it's really happening. And if you are in
07:31.16
fatimabey
not just domestic, not just the physical abuse, but the mental abuse, which as I said earlier is far longer lasting than the physical.
07:39.05
Miss Lou Lou
Mm hmm. Oh, yeah.
07:40.31
fatimabey
Do you want to get out of that too?
07:43.05
Miss Lou Lou
Yeah.
07:43.21
fatimabey
Because the manipulation they're doing on you is affecting how you deal with your kids. You may not see it right now, but haven't you seen that Miss Lulu?
07:49.39
Miss Lou Lou
Oh, yeah.
07:52.26
Miss Lou Lou
Oh, I have.
07:53.68
fatimabey
Can you give us some examples of some of the things that you've seen?
07:56.98
Miss Lou Lou
Yeah, so in regards to, you know, that that mental aspect that we just talked about, I had a case recently where
08:02.38
fatimabey
yeah
08:10.32
Miss Lou Lou
The child had seen that growing up. That's all the child knew was the threat of harm. And if you don't if you don't follow through with what the man was saying, that he will hurt you.
08:21.08
Miss Lou Lou
And when the child lashed out or didn't do exactly what that man said, ah the child would be physically beaten.
08:25.12
fatimabey
Yeah.
08:30.32
Miss Lou Lou
The mom would be physically beaten when she did not do everything that the man said.
08:31.06
fatimabey
Mm hmm.
08:35.13
Miss Lou Lou
To the point where it turned into a sexual assault the child The man came in the room and told the child, you will do this.
08:38.95
fatimabey
Mm.
08:43.25
Miss Lou Lou
And the child was not able to fight back because the child did not know the child could fight back. All the child has seen is that if you don't do what I say, I will hurt you.
08:54.63
Miss Lou Lou
I will hurt your mom. I will take away this. I will do this. And that verbal threat and psychological aspect of knowing you're going to get hurt was just as powerful.
09:09.58
Miss Lou Lou
as actually getting hurt to the point where that turned into a sexual assault.
09:20.32
fatimabey
I had an episode a couple months ago, earlier this year, for those of you who are listening in the future, it's 2024 right now. And i the the episode is called, my children were molested right under my nose. And one of the key things that we talked about was the fact that the husband, and it was her husband at the time, was abusive to her. And then he became sexual abusive to all of the children.
09:49.57
fatimabey
She literally had no clue. But we were able to point out the fact that there was a a link, there was a progress from abusing her to abusing the children.
10:03.85
fatimabey
I personally believe, and you can correct me if I'm wrong because you are in a position where you literally at your job to do this. So I personally believe that when someone is abusive to the mother, when you, in the situation where there's a man abusive to the to the woman.
10:22.19
fatimabey
And I'm talking about the man and the woman, because that's what I'm most familiar with. I do understand that it happens in other genders, in other situations.
10:27.93
Miss Lou Lou
Right.
10:28.44
fatimabey
But I'm not as familiar with those, so I don't talk about what I don't know. But when a man is abusive to the woman, eight times out of 10, he will soon follow to the children, whether it's sexual or physical.
10:42.71
Miss Lou Lou
100%. Yes.
10:43.09
fatimabey
Or mental.
10:44.66
Miss Lou Lou
Yeah.
10:44.52
fatimabey
Or mental.
10:45.54
Miss Lou Lou
Oh, the mental, they're already doing it.
10:45.74
fatimabey
sir
10:47.54
Miss Lou Lou
You just don't realize it yet.
10:47.89
fatimabey
yeah They're manipulating you already.
10:50.63
Miss Lou Lou
100%. Yeah.
10:51.40
fatimabey
Yeah. So if you're listening and you have children and you're in this situation, just know your children are next. That sounds harsh. That sounds mean, but damn, it is true.
11:05.08
Miss Lou Lou
Mm-hmm.
11:04.81
fatimabey
So I don't care if it sounds harsh or mean. I want you to know the truth. What I care about is you getting out of it.
11:11.02
Miss Lou Lou
Right.
11:10.78
fatimabey
and Now, I want to switch back over and talk to but talk to the teens for a moment because I think it's important, one of the reasons I had you come on is, you know, this is a show for teens.
11:15.60
Miss Lou Lou
Right.
11:18.46
fatimabey
I think it's important to get this message in the ears of teens as much as we can before it's too late instead of waiting till they're in an abusive relationship to try to get them out.
11:27.37
Miss Lou Lou
right
11:27.62
fatimabey
If you are a teenager, what do you have to say to the teenagers right now?
11:32.27
Miss Lou Lou
Teens, you need to find your own worth. You do not need a man or a woman to fulfill you, to complete you. You need to find that on your own. That way, when you do come across people who are manipulative or abusive, you'll be able to recognize it before it starts happening to you or the second it starts happening to you. But if you have not found your worth, it you'll think that's normal.
12:00.82
Miss Lou Lou
you You'll find the the instant validation super nice, even though that instant validation comes with them telling you you're a worthless piece of crap two seconds later. But don't worry, it's because you're really pretty.
12:12.80
Miss Lou Lou
You'll accept things like that.
12:13.95
fatimabey
You you said it perfectly right cuz that's exactly what they do. Oh, but don't worry You're really pretty and then I'll clean it up with a little stupid little comment like that And it's what it is very come
12:20.46
Miss Lou Lou
Mm-hmm. Exactly. But if you have that worth in yourself, you'll recognize that abuse. Because right there, that's just manipulation. That's just psychological stuff. They haven't hit you. But at that time, we we need to stop it before then. And if you have the worth, you'll recognize it.
12:41.02
fatimabey
No self-worth makes you an easy target for a lot of things. It makes you an easy target for trafficking, for prostitution, for ah for being abused physically, mentally, or sexually.
12:48.32
Miss Lou Lou
100%.
12:54.65
fatimabey
You're just an easy target when you don't know who you are.
12:56.54
Miss Lou Lou
Oh, yeah. Exactly.
12:58.54
fatimabey
And they want you to stay that way, which is why they'll try to separate you from people, but they want you to stay that way. So knowing your self-worth, young women, grown women, it's really important. When we know our self-worth, we don't allow things to happen to us. And if you're listening right now, you're starting to recognize that there's a tear forming in your face right now because you know we're talking about you.
13:22.94
fatimabey
and the physical abuse may not have started yet, but the mental abuse is there. Whatever your situation is, it is not too late for you to make a change. It is not too late for you to get some self-worth.
13:35.14
fatimabey
You just have to reach out to the right people and say, look, I know I need help with this. I don't know what to do. There's so many of us that want to help you.
13:41.70
Miss Lou Lou
Right.
13:42.47
fatimabey
There's so many of us that live like to help you.
13:45.74
Miss Lou Lou
Oh yeah.
13:46.00
fatimabey
It's my greatest joy to help people like that because I understand how it feels.
13:49.10
Miss Lou Lou
Oh yeah. Go to the school resource guide, go to the school, uh, nurse, talk to your teachers that you trust, talk to friends that you trust, uh, friends, parents, as long as they are safe people and they're not grooming you.
14:02.46
fatimabey
Yes, right.
14:04.73
Miss Lou Lou
Go to them.
14:05.72
fatimabey
I wanna add something on top of that. Sometimes there's people who won't go to systems. So school systems and and ah social work systems, any of those systems, a good portion of society who needs to hear who need to go to them won't because they don't trust them.
14:21.48
Miss Lou Lou
Right. Yeah.
14:22.56
fatimabey
So for if you're listening and that's you, there are groups on Facebook
14:27.80
Miss Lou Lou
Yeah.
14:28.42
fatimabey
There are groups of social media. There are groups of people that will look for them, that will help you. And if you don't know where to go, I have a page on my website called Other Help Go to the Bottom. You can find groups near you. Go somewhere. Because I promise you, if you seek us, you will find us. But if you we but if you don't seek us, we don't know you're there. You won't find us. And you'll sit in the same misery you're in.
14:53.05
Miss Lou Lou
Exactly.
14:55.16
fatimabey
i I don't want to see anybody sitting through some of the stuff that Miss Lulu has to see on a daily basis. I hate that it exists. I really do.
15:04.03
Miss Lou Lou
Right.
15:04.49
fatimabey
I hate that her position is even necessary.
15:06.51
Miss Lou Lou
Yeah, exactly. And growing.
15:08.08
fatimabey
I would love for her to not have a job because because ah because it's not necessary, right?
15:11.25
Miss Lou Lou
Amen. That would be the, that's the, that's not going to be in my new, my new goal. Work my way out of a job.
15:17.20
fatimabey
Yes, I would love for that to be, I would love for your job to not be necessary.
15:21.45
Miss Lou Lou
100%.
15:21.88
fatimabey
but As long as there are evil people in this world and messed up people who like to mess up other people, we're gonna need you because children are gonna be involved.
15:29.98
Miss Lou Lou
Exactly Yes.
15:32.33
fatimabey
And my biggest my biggest message to you out there, if you're listening and we're talking about you, Do something. It's time to to make a change. And if you're a teenager and you know you're in a relationship that just started, it's starting to look like that, but you want to give it a chance. You really like that. Johnny's been buying you flowers and buying you burgers and taking you to the movies and texting you at night, you up and all that stuff. That's that feels good in the moment and it does. It feels real good. I get it.
16:08.72
fatimabey
But it's not worth it. If you know that you see little hints of manipulation coming, move. Get out. Because he's going to leave you more damaged than when you came in.
16:17.62
Miss Lou Lou
Yeah.
16:20.38
Miss Lou Lou
Very much so.
16:20.03
fatimabey
like I could promise you that.
16:23.96
fatimabey
Oh, Miss Lulu, I could go on and on and on all day about this topic. Because I think it's so extremely important, and I'm so glad. um that you took the time to to to do this episode with me.
16:37.01
fatimabey
um And even though we started off with a completely different conversation, we quickly dove into this once we started talking about your job and it's like, okay.
16:39.94
Miss Lou Lou
Yes.
16:46.67
fatimabey
um I really appreciate your honesty and i um my hopes are that somebody out there was listening today and is going to make a change in their life. If it's even just one person, it's worth all this effort to make a difference.
17:01.19
Miss Lou Lou
100%. We just need to change that one person's life.
17:02.92
fatimabey
So thank you. Yes. One person is worth it. And anybody who doesn't like it, they can just go somewhere. I don't care. i
i'm more I'm interested in who I'm reaching, not who I'm not. So ah for those of you who are listening, I'm hoping that you take this message. And even if it's not you, but you know it's somebody around you, that you try to do something. Try to have a conversation. Just try. 17:32.55
fatimabey
Just try, because sometimes the effort might be the push they need.
17:37.46
Miss Lou Lou
Exactly.
17:37.30
fatimabey
You'd be surprised what's going on in people's heads.
17:40.11
Miss Lou Lou
Yeah.
17:42.37
fatimabey
All right, Miss Lulu, do you have any final words?
17:46.86
Miss Lou Lou
Ladies, reach out. get Get that support system. Get that help. Go to the website if you don't and and get those other resources on the bottom of the page. Just make that change.
17:58.52
Miss Lou Lou
Make the but effort to put yourself and or your children first. Men are replaceable.
18:04.48
fatimabey
I.
18:04.99
Miss Lou Lou
Your children are not.
18:07.37
fatimabey
Yes, yes, yes, well said. I will also add that I will actually put a link to the other help page um in the podcast description so that you guys can, if you if you're that person and you need help, then go ahead and click on it and get the help that's near you. That's if you are in the US. I don't have a link for Canada, unfortunately, but I do have one for the US. So thank you.
18:36.05
Miss Lou Lou
Thank you.
