fatimabey

What should we do or not do, especially what should we not do when we think someone has been raped?

25:25.43

Stefanie Jane

Well, like we stated, you know, power has been, that that's the whole point but behind rape is somebody having control of you and being, you know, taking your power.

25:33.89

fatimabey

Right.

25:37.36

Stefanie Jane

And so it's really important to help that person become empowered again. And so little, little things

25:43.06

fatimabey

Good.

25:46.53

Stefanie Jane

You know, don't tell them, hey, you need to call the the national rape hotline over at rain. You need to, don't don't use words like you need to.

25:57.99

Stefanie Jane

You can make suggestions. you know I happen to come across Raines National Hotline, and they have advocates that answer the phone all day long, and they could help you in this place right now. Or give them ideas for, um you know I notice things are a little different right now. We're not communicating the way we used to.

26:27.60

Stefanie Jane

I miss that help them feel loved again help them feel connected with who they are because you know a lot of people become very fragmented when rape occurs you know it is a soul shattering experience and it is as a as a close friend that's what they need they need a close friend to hear them

26:32.32

fatimabey

Mhm.

26:41.66

fatimabey

Mhm. Mhm.

26:57.70

Stefanie Jane

They don't need you to necessarily fix it. If you're the first person they've ever told that they've been raped or assaulted, honestly, the best thing that they need in that moment is somebody to listen to them and love them and not judge them.

27:15.17

Stefanie Jane

And so can you come alongside them and let them know that you're a safe place? And so if they find that you're a safe place,

27:21.97

fatimabey

Yeah.

27:25.48

Stefanie Jane

then they're going to come to you more frequently. And if they find out that you've got good suggestions for them, not demands, if you have good suggestions for them, then they're going to come back to you and they're going to continue to walk out some of their healing with you. And then you can kind of slowly make suggestions. So, you know,

27:50.88

Stefanie Jane

this seems to be affecting you, have you thought about seeking counseling? I honestly believe that anybody that has been sexually assaulted needs counseling. It there it it is something, and but nobody, most nobody is like, I was raped yesterday and I'm gonna go into counseling today.

28:01.17

fatimabey

Oh, 100%, 100%.

28:09.56

Stefanie Jane

but

28:10.18

fatimabey

Yeah,

28:10.70

Stefanie Jane

doesn't normally happen.

28:10.85

fatimabey

right.

28:12.10

Stefanie Jane

there's There's some things that need to take place for that person.

28:11.74

fatimabey

No, it doesn't.

28:16.36

Stefanie Jane

But, you know, RAIN, Rape Abuse Incest National Network has, if you go on to their website, you can put your zip code in there and they will tell you what rape crisis center is in your area and they will give you the phone number so that can get you connected with an advocate in the area.

28:35.13

fatimabey

That's good.

28:36.25

Stefanie Jane

And there is rape crisis centers all across the United States of America that have free counselors, counselors who are specifically trained in rape trauma, and they will help you go through the process to unpack it. So as a friend, make suggestions. Do not demand anything from them. You're only going to re-traumatize them.

29:02.13

Stefanie Jane

And if they don't feel comfortable talking about something in a particular area, even if they're telling you the whole story and then they just clam up and stop, that's okay. Just as a good friend of that person, let it go in that moment because they've come to a place, they've done as much as they can in that moment and just be a friend in that moment and say, thank you for sharing with me and One of the worst things you can never tell a rape survivor is I understand. You almost never tell a rape survivor I understand.

29:40.16

fatimabey

Why not?

29:41.57

Stefanie Jane

You can relate with that person, but nobody has the exact mental capacity that you went through. Nobody was traumatized exactly the way you were. Nobody's events that happened are exactly the same. You can relate with them, but you do not understand. Nobody can get inside your brain.

30:04.67

Stefanie Jane

and understand exactly how you felt and understand exactly the scenario that had taken place. That is such a huge thing here in Texas, the Texas Association Against Sexual Assault.

30:18.45

Stefanie Jane

They pound that into your mind here. Never say you understand because somebody's going to take that offensively. No, you don't.

30:26.26

fatimabey

Mmm.

30:27.59

Stefanie Jane

No, you don't.

30:27.40

fatimabey

Bye.

30:28.47

Stefanie Jane

You don't understand. You might relate with some parts of what had happened, but you don't understand. To say you understand is a blanket statement.

30:38.51

Stefanie Jane

So you understand the way they were thinking. You understand their emotions and you understand their physical. You can't, you can't. Now, a counselor who's maybe been with that person for two years, let's say, they might be able to say, I understand, because you've expressed yourself mentally, physically, and emotionally with that person. So they might get to understand it. But if somebody's telling me their story for the very first time, I don't understand.

31:10.84

Stefanie Jane

I can relate with you, but I don't understand. Understanding means that you get the whole mental, physical and spiritual aspect of what happened to them.

31:13.80

fatimabey

Very, very good point.

31:23.66

fatimabey

I think that is a very good point in that what you just said applies to a lot of other topics too. You know, stop saying that you understand someone else's trauma that you haven't been through. You can, you can, there are other ways, but it just comes across as insincere and fake and airheaded.

31:42.01

fatimabey

And when that happens, those of us who are trying to explain our trauma, we now want to clam up because we just see you as ridiculous. And that's just a fact.

31:51.12

Stefanie Jane

Yes. Yes.

31:52.89

fatimabey

Now, something that often occurs when someone ah confesses a rape. for the first time, it takes a lot for someone to open up and actually admit that it happened to them. One of the worst things you can do is be like, you lying ho. And that we might not say those exact words, but we say those words with our actions sometimes. So I get angry. Um, I get very, very, very, very angry when

32:30.78

fatimabey

people are not believed but I understand sometimes why people are not believed so Stephanie Jane let me ask you what is the harm and let's say uh I had sex with this guy I really am so totally embarrassed now so now I want to accuse him of rape because that crap happens what is what's the harm in that

32:54.16

Stefanie Jane

Oh, yes. Well, that discredits all the people that have gone through that abuse. Anybody who's been raped, it's, you know, so few people choose to go get a Sains exam.

33:01.19

fatimabey

Yes.

33:08.65

Stefanie Jane

So it's his word against her word or his word against his word. However, it happened. It's one person's word against the other. And you, when you lie about being sexually assaulted, you're taking credibility away from the people who have been sexually assaulted because the reality is you, in most police departments, and I mean, I live in the Dallas area, these cities around here are giant, but we still only have one police officer per town that specifically works on sexual abuse cases.

33:30.10

fatimabey

yes

33:48.61

Stefanie Jane

And when they, feel that what they're hearing is a lie and then they find out it is a lie then their next case the next woman or man that's in front of them they're going to remember well so and so went through all of this and said these exact things and it comes out that they were lying so it's hard for that police officer to believe you even though what you're saying is the truth. So you're taking credibility away from people who've truly gone through that experience. And that's what's sad because I've seen it here in the DFW. I won't say who the police officer is. Unfortunately, they it were just fired a couple of years ago. Um,

34:39.89

Stefanie Jane

But there were survivors I knew of that was in his office telling him their story. And it was a very hard thing to get them to go report the abuse.

34:50.44

fatimabey

Yeah, it really is.

34:52.53

Stefanie Jane

And then to have a police officer look them in the eyes and say, well, I don't really believe you. In fact, I don't believe most of the women that come in here. That's hard.

35:04.39

Stefanie Jane

That's a hard thing for somebody

35:07.07

fatimabey

That would make me want to do illegal things to him, but because I get I get very angry when it comes to women that falsely accuse anybody of rape or molestation because what they're doing is a re-victimizing the victims.

35:26.27

fatimabey

because then then then it is true it's not just police officers it's other people who might be on the fence who might actually believe you but they've only seen women use it as a tool and and it re-victimizes the victim because now if they now they're just like it takes a lot for them to come out so much for them to come out and and

35:43.97

Stefanie Jane

Yes.

35:46.48

fatimabey

be vulnerable like that to admit it.

35:49.26

Stefanie Jane

Yep.

35:48.94

fatimabey

And then it's like punching you in the face, you know, when you're just not believed and you're like, well, forget it. I'm just never going to say anything again. And that produces so many bad things for them.

36:00.66

Stefanie Jane

Well, you know, my mother didn't believe me. I remember being in kindergarten and telling my mom that Big Jimmy was fondling me and touching me and doing all of these things. And she said, Stephanie, I know he's a bad man, but he's not that bad. That crushed me.

36:24.27

Stefanie Jane

So you don't believe me. That just left me feeling so much more shame. That left me feeling more depressed. That left me feeling like I don't matter. Like, you know, okay. um Where can you go if your own mom doesn't believe you?

36:43.64

fatimabey

So if a woman is not, ah let me just not just say women, cause it does happen to men a lot more than people realize.

36:50.77

Stefanie Jane

Yeah.

36:51.92

fatimabey

If a person is not believed, what should they do? What can they do?

36:58.74

Stefanie Jane

Honestly, if you want to seek help and even if your family doesn't want to seek, you know, help for you, there are, I mean, like we said, there's rape crisis centers all across the United States. There are ways for you to, you know, even rain. I mean, you could call there the national hotline.

37:21.16

Stefanie Jane

And you can say, you know, these are the things that have happened to me. Now, if you're like I was five years old, that's not going to happen. You know, I told my mom, my mom didn't believe me and I just stuffed it down and couldn't, couldn't process it. But if you're 12, 14, 16, whatever your age might be, and you tell your parents and your parents don't believe you, you know,

37:50.99

Stefanie Jane

We need to be our own advocate. We need to know that what happened to us it wasn't o okay. And there is a way to go seek healing.

38:03.45

Stefanie Jane

And you know I can't think of any other real trauma in America that has taken this seriously, honestly, because there are so many services.

38:12.82

fatimabey

sometimes.

38:14.71

Stefanie Jane

There are so many resources for people, but you know not everybody wants resources.

38:21.38

fatimabey

I was just going to say, not everybody trusts resources. We have become so systematic and systemized in how we treat our mental health care in this country that a lot of people who need it the most won't go get what they need.

38:35.10

Stefanie Jane

Right.

38:34.94

fatimabey

And that is a problem. That's a problem for all of us. It's a problem for all of us, because if you are messed up, you're going to go out and you're going to mess up more of us. So it's a problem.

38:45.42

fatimabey

That's how it's a problem for all of us.

38:47.08

Stefanie Jane

Yes.

38:46.77

fatimabey

So it's a problem for all of us. and I want to add to that if you are listening and you're one of those people, because I know that somebody listening is one of those people. If you don't feel like you can go to a system, then at least go to a person because holding it in and blaming yourself will solve nothing.

39:04.55

fatimabey

In fact, it'll cause more problems for you. It'll give you ulcers and other physical health issues because they almost always come along with it, right?

39:10.16

Stefanie Jane

Yes. Yes. Right. And I mean, we've already talked about the statistics. The chances of you knowing another survivor are so much higher than you even can understand.

39:22.91

Stefanie Jane

So the reality is follow your intuition.

39:22.94

fatimabey

Yeah.

39:26.64

Stefanie Jane

We have an intuition. If you get used to following your intuition, think about your friends. Think about, you have safe friends. You have unsafe friends too.

39:38.95

Stefanie Jane

So think about who your safe friends are and and reach out to them a little bit and say, you know, this happened to me and I'm,

39:44.24

fatimabey

Yeah, exactly.

39:49.75

Stefanie Jane

not feeling comfortable about it or i'm I'm having a hard time forgetting about it. It's coming up in my memory. You know, there's so much. I tell my girls this all the time. I like to go into ah safe houses and lead Bible studies throughout the DFW and always tell my girls you cannot heal what you do not reveal.

40:12.11

Stefanie Jane

And it is so important for us to verbalize what happened to us.

40:12.26

fatimabey

Mhmm.

40:20.85

Stefanie Jane

Put the words to, you know, the actions already happened. So now put words to what has happened to you in a safe environment.

40:30.86

fatimabey

Yes.

40:31.89

Stefanie Jane

because a lot of people who have been raped don't have good boundaries anymore. Some people go on one extreme and want to tell the whole world what had happened to them and then they get the whole world giving them information and it's information overload and it doesn't always help. It just puts you in a bad place and some people are going to now make, you know,

40:54.78

Stefanie Jane

Not everybody's safe. They can do negative things with that information.

40:56.53

fatimabey

Right. man I'm so glad you said that.

40:59.51

Stefanie Jane

um So that's why you need to go back to your intuition. Is my intuition telling me that this person is a safe person so that I can say something to them.

41:10.53

Stefanie Jane

And once you, I mean, I've had hundreds of women come up to me and tell me, I've never told anyone this, but, and then they tell me their story.

41:21.20

fatimabey

Mm hmm.

41:24.85

Stefanie Jane

obviously I'm a safe person and so people feel comfortable being able to say that but I will also say that I go onto a platform all the time and within 30 seconds somebody in the audience knows that I'm a survivor of rape and sexual abuse and so that they feel comfortable coming over to me you know it's so important you know that

41:45.41

fatimabey

Right.

41:49.00

Stefanie Jane

The sexual abuse movement that's happened in the last 10 years is all about shining the light on this, breaking the silence. I hear it from every organization and every realm in America right now from the big, the big organizations, all of the little ones, break the silence.

42:08.07

Stefanie Jane

break the silence, say it happened to you, admit that to the people, to the safe people around you, because I bet you you will be surprised at who comes back and says it happened to me too.

42:22.04

fatimabey

Yep.

42:22.77

Stefanie Jane

I relate with you.

42:24.19

fatimabey

Yes.

42:24.82

Stefanie Jane

This is what I have found has helped me, and this is what I have found hasn't helped me. So when we're willing to, and it is a little uncomfortable, you know, it was a little uncomfortable uncomfortable for me to be like,

42:37.96

Stefanie Jane

Okay, here in the DFW, I feel like everybody knows my story. I feel like I can walk into a restaurant and somebody's gonna be like, oh, there's Stephanie Jane. She's a survivor of child sexual abuse and rape.

42:50.84

Stefanie Jane

I have healed enough to where I don't carry that shame with me anymore.

42:55.64

fatimabey

right they do

42:56.54

Stefanie Jane

That wasn't my fault. And I think a lot of people that have been raped think it's their fault. Well, what if I didn't go there? What if I wasn't wearing that outfit? What if I wasn't hanging out with these people? And they questioned so much of what they had done. How could I have done it different? Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry it happened to you. But honestly, you have to accept what's happened to you.

43:26.00

Stefanie Jane

And it's hard for women to accept that rape happened to them. But I feel like when you get to the place where you've accepted it, then you're more likely to say to your best friend, Jane, hey, I'm having a hard time. I'm struggling with this because this is what's happened. And I would bet you.

43:48.66

Stefanie Jane

If you talk to enough safe people, when you get to that place, you'll be amazed at who says, you know what? It happened to me too, and I can relate with you.

43:59.69

Stefanie Jane

And there's so much healing when we come together in that place and say, oh my goodness, you've been there too.

44:02.16

fatimabey

There is.

44:07.41

Stefanie Jane

I'm not alone. That loneliness lifts. and you start to be able to connect with people in a way that you never could before. So it can bring you closer to people and it can give you a love for people in a way that you never understood before.

44:26.82

fatimabey

Do you have any um words, just anything that we haven't already said ah that you could speak to rape victims if they're in the audience right now.

44:41.20

Stefanie Jane

I would honestly say if you're a victim and you've been carrying around the weight of that for far too long and you're confused right now, as far as even if it happened to you, I honestly think that you're not alone. Unfortunately, 25% of us in America have walked through the same thing and that you you can find your healing where you are right now, whether it happened to you three days ago or 30 years ago, there is healing for you out there but you have to come to a place that you say, I want something different. I don't want to live in my depression. I don't want to live in my fear. And if you don't want to live in your depression and in your fear, then please go seek help because it is such a deep soul wounding trauma that has happened to you that it is valid.

45:42.48

Stefanie Jane

And it is important that you go find people that can come alongside you to help you heal. And if you're confused as far as where to start, start with your local rape crisis center or don't even start there. Start with RAIN or start with Stop It Now. Stop It Now organization. They are a national organization and they specifically work with children under the age of 14.

46:10.06

Stefanie Jane

and RAIN, Rape Abuse Incest National um Network. they work with children, or excuse me, from 14 and above. So those two organizations in my mind are the most pivotal organizations that you can be involved with, and they will lead you onto your path of healing. They are an amazing first step, and you are worth your first step. Trust me, healing is not easy, but living in a life of depression and suicidal thoughts

46:43.05

Stefanie Jane

That's so much harder. It's so much harder. You are worth your healing. I promise you.

46:50.61

fatimabey

I know that was probably hard for some of you to hear, i'm mostly for those whom it's for. For those whom it's not for, that wasn't hard to hear. But if it's really for you, that was hard to hear. But everything that she has said is absolutely true. So, Stephanie Jane, tell people what you do and how they can find you.

47:13.18

Stefanie Jane

Yes. So I've been a rape crisis center advocate for 15 years now in the Texas area. And I love to connect people to resources. So if you're not sure where to go or you heard of a website today and you're like, where did she get that from?

47:33.73

Stefanie Jane

You can always go to my website, Stephanie under or Stephanie Jane at why am I all messed up? Stephanie Jane.com and there's a tab there.

47:46.16

Stefanie Jane

for seeking help and all of the resources that I said today and many, many more are right there. there's If you're not in a safe place right now, if it's your parents that are assaulting you, I guarantee you there is a safe place for you to be.

48:06.94

Stefanie Jane

and rain or if you're in the Texas area I know so many different halfway houses and shelters that are willing to take rape victims in to get them into a safe living environment. You are worth living in a safe place so if you need those resources go to my website.

48:28.13

Stefanie Jane

um So other things that I do is I created an album, See Me Change. It's a rock and roll album. It's not a Christian album. It's just good old rock and roll.

48:40.23

Stefanie Jane

I love it.

48:40.87

fatimabey

Mhmm.

48:41.61

Stefanie Jane

And it walks people through my path of healing. And I also wrote my book, Fear Not For Your Redeemed. It's a 365 day devotional.

48:52.97

Stefanie Jane

walking through your healing with Jesus Christ because I firmly believe that when we turn to Jesus Christ for our healing, He is faithful and He will heal us from the inside out.

49:08.55

fatimabey

Well, thank you, Jane, for coming on. um I really love this conversation. And this has been awesome. And um I really appreciate you not just for coming on this podcast, but for all that you've done um for so many victims. And I'm sure you've done more than people realize. Thank you.

49:32.02

Stefanie Jane

you.