Welcome to Mindshift Power podcast, a show for teenagers and the adults who work with them, where we have raw and honest conversations. I'm your host, Fatima Bey, the mind shifter. And welcome. Today in today's episode, we are gonna talk about getting out of a toxic relationship. And today, we have Janiyah on here.

She's a 17 year old young woman from Amsterdam. If you've listened to this podcast, you've heard from her before, and you're definitely gonna hear a lot more from her. I wanted you to know that she is the one that actually approached me about having this conversation, on the air. I did not ask her to come on and and tell her story, but she she really wanted to come out and talk to all of you and tell her story and hope that it can help other young women like herself. And I'm really proud of her for being willing to open up to others like that because that can be a little bit of little bit hard to do, but she she wanted to do this.

我想讓你們知道，她真的發自內心想要幫助別人。 Janiyah，你今天過得怎麼樣？太好了。很好。那我們直接開始吧。

Obviously, you were in a toxic relationship and you got out of it. Tell the listeners, what did the toxic relationship that you were in look like? It was it was very mentally abusive. When I say mentally abusive, he, when it when we got into problems, he didn't it was a lack of communication. He would just always give me, like, the cold shoulder, just push me away.

He'll say, like, very hurtful things like, oh my god. You're so freaking annoying. Go away. I don't care. Shut the up.

閉嘴！閉嘴！他很生氣，而且不安全感很強。我說不安全感的時候，他會說「不」。

You can't wear this. You can't do that. You can't you can't go to that place. You're not allowed to do this. Like, very, very controlling.

嗯。而且確實有很多。好的。我認為提及這些細節很重要，因為我很確定現在有些聽眾正處於這種情況。我們經常聽到「有毒」這個詞，但我認為它被過度使用了，已經失去了它的意義。

所以這就是為什麼我要你具體說說這段感情的毒性在哪裡。你這段感情持續多久了？兩年。我也在一起兩年。你現在17歲了嗎？

是的。我15歲的時候見過他。哦，天哪，我當時15歲。我現在17歲了。所以，我們在一起兩年了。

是的。那真是很長了，尤其是在你這個年紀。那就像一百萬年。對吧？是啊。

我知道，在我十幾歲的時候，九個月就像一百萬年。所以我知道兩年就是兩百萬年。所以你也參與其中了。現在我想請你告訴觀眾，當時你感覺如何？我感覺糟透了。

I felt like I was no one. I had very little self esteem because he would tell me things like, no. You're you're dumb. You're wrong. Look at the way how you're thinking.

瞧，這說不通。所以我覺得我好像真的出了什麼問題。但你知道，就在我離開他幾個月後，我花了幾個月的時間才消化這件事，但我也意識到，我本身並沒有問題。問題在於他跟我說話、溝通的方式，我意識到，他不是我的真命天子。哦，這不僅僅是他不適合你那麼簡單。

是的。一會兒就好了。因為有時候人們會覺得，哦，他是我的真命天子。如果他不把你當回事兒，嗯。他不是你的真命天子，也不是別人的真命天子。

我不明白為什麼我跟他在一起這麼久，是因為我沒有價值。我沒看到自己的價值。我就是這個意思。我不知道自己的價值，但最終我找到了。是的。

所以你被關了兩年。跟大家說說，你是怎麼擺脫的？我跟碧昂絲談過這件事。你知道，我向她傾訴了他所做的那些事，以及當時發生的事情，還有我受到的待遇。談話結束時，她向上帝祈禱，說她祈禱上帝，希望那些有害的人離我遠一點。

就像她剛才對上帝說，如果有人住在一個有毒的家庭裡，或是有什麼事情讓她心煩意亂，請你幫我把這些事拿走。兩天后，他就走了。是的。對各位聽眾來說，具體來說，我祈求上帝把她生活中任何不該出現的人、地方或事物都帶走。我沒有明確說要把那個人從她的生命中趕走，儘管我知道他沒必要留在那裡。

但我想想，如果我那樣說，我可能會把Janiyah推開，因為你可能是對的？我說得對嗎，Janiyah？是的。你可能會覺得，你只是想讓我甩掉我的男友。是啊。

Right? And even though I knew he was no good for you and he needed to be gone, I needed needed it to happen in a way that you were, consenting with it and a part of that and not just me talking at you as an adult. Yes. Because that's very ineffective for people. Yes.

And so what happened? I prayed and then two days later, he was poof, gone. Yeah. And he said, you know what? I'm done with you.

Don't I never ever ever wanna talk to you ever again. So, like, you know, the garbage just took itself out. That's, like, really what happened. I didn't mean to clap so loud, but I just love the way you just said that, but you're right. The I the garbage took itself out.

You're abs this is why I love you. You're absolutely right. The garbage took itself out. Now I prayed for you on a Thursday, and this happened on a Saturday night. And let me tell y'all, I got a text from her Saturday evening.

She's literally said to me, he just broke up with me. Do you think god that was god answering a prayer? I had to laugh for about five minutes before I replied to her because I was like, girl, that's specifically what just happened and then she told me this situation and and he broke up with her over something absolutely silly and ridiculous. But that wasn't really the point. How he broke up with you wasn't the point, but just the fact that he was now out of your life was the answer to the prayer.

How was it after the breakup? Because that's what I really want people to understand, what that how did you what happened between now and then? After, don't get me wrong, like, the way I'm good now, it wasn't then. I was very confused. I was very sad.

I was very heartbroken. I was just I couldn't I I couldn't process. I'm like, damn. He he's really not in my life. I don't know what I'm gonna do, what I'm gonna do without him.

Months later, I'm doing good without him. I'm doing what I need to supposed to be doing. I'm back on track, like, back on track. And, also, when I was with him and after we broke up, I was still, like I couldn't focus because it's like I was so used to being with him. But then, you know, weeks and months, I started to, like, do way, way better.

And all I can really say, you just have to, like, give it time. You're never gonna get over someone that you truly love like this. You have to, like, give it time, and it's okay to still love the love the person. You know? I still love Gigi, but I will never go back with I I will never give back with Gigi because I I chose peace.

I love I love myself way too much to put myself back in that situation. Yes. And it's you don't have no idea how much it warms my heart to hear that those words out of your mouth when months ago, I was concerned about you going back to him because, unfortunately, that's quite common. Yeah. What I wanna point out to the audience and and kinda reiterate, what Janiyah is saying is that when she first got him out of her life, when the garbage took itself out, She wanted to go back part of her wanted to go back to the store.

I did. I did. Like, I was fighting the urge to not text Gigi. I'm like, should I call him? Should I should I try to work this out?

突然有個聲音告訴我，不行。怎麼辦？繼續下去。別再這樣了。別再這樣了。

別這樣。別這樣。後來，當我的大腦習慣了不跟他說話之後，我覺得自己做得相當不錯。我覺得這一點很重要，因為僅僅因為你對某人有感情，也就是所謂的“有趣的愛”，並不意味著他們對你好，也不意味著這種感情是好的。你明白嗎？

就好像你習慣了整天坐在屎裡，也就習慣了屎的味道。很熟悉，很舒服。但這並不意味著你也要整天坐在屎裡，對吧？

Yes. Yes. And that's what it's like being in a toxic relationship. You're sitting you're sitting in a pile of poop. Yes.

And one of my reason one of this was, like, one of the main reasons why I had a emotional attachment to him was because, you know, he was my he was my first he was my first everything. Was it first everything? It's the first boy kiss. And then the first boy, I had sex with I'm not proud of that, but, you know, I learned from my mistakes. And what I did was bad, but I have to accept that and learn from it.

So it's not about how you start. It's always about how you finish things. You have you have to accept what you did was bad, put it behind you, and make sure you don't make the same mistake and become a better version of your of yourself. And that and to anyone that's watching this, please be careful who you give your body to because it can cause a lot of problems. And having sex losing your virginity, it it it's no rush.

It's it's no rush at all. I'm telling I'm telling you this. You're you're not missing nothing. You're you're literally not missing nothing at all. You wanna give that to someone that would truly love you, truly cherish you, not someone not a fuck boy or a hoe.

You don't wanna you don't wanna give that to someone, someone that's not mature. Mhmm. Now I want y'all to know that, Janiyah, when we had a conversation about doing this episode, I did not plant any of that in her head. She said that to me, and I wanted to reach out and hug her. It it's just like she said that to me, and I think it's important if you're a young woman out there and you've already given yourself to some jerk, somebody who doesn't really care about you.

你們無法回到過去改變這一切，因為你們有些人已經這麼做了，而且你們為此感到難過。我知道現在有很多女孩正在聽我講述這件事。而且，你知道，別只聽我說。聽聽Janaya說的吧。她17歲。

她：我不是十幾歲的孩子。我15歲的時候就做了。我並不為此感到自豪。我敢肯定有些女孩15歲甚至更小的時候就做了。但是，你知道，請你保護好自己。

Save yourself. Like, it just because when you keep having when you keep having sex with the person, you're gonna get more and more and more attached, and don't do it. And, also, when once when you are very young and once you have sex, it's it's it's very hard for you to stop. Because, you know, us teenagers and young adults, we have we're still growing. We have hormones.

We have hormones that make you wanna do that stuff. So once you got a taste of it, you're like, oh, okay. I like this. I wanna do it again and again and again and again. And some people get so blind of the sex, but get blind of get so blind of the sex, and sometimes they don't even realize that they're in a toxic relationship.

Yes. And that and let me tell you, if you're an adult listening, I know half of y'all just related to what she just said because it's not just true with teenagers. There's some adults dealing with situations like that, right now. What do you think, now you did you got out of that relationship. What do you think it would've looked like had you stayed in that relationship or held on after the breakup?

Because some people break up technically, but then they still keep holding on to the person. So what do you think it would look like if you had held on or stayed in? I woulda still woulda been, like, texting him and calling him and, like, checking up on his page and Mhmm. Everything. I was still I was, like, I would still, like, wonder like, I would still wanna be with him, but what I did was when after it does see, he done really messed up stuff to me.

但為了真正放下這件事，我原諒了他。我沒有告訴他，嘿，我原諒你所做的一切。我就像在對自己說。我當時想，你知道嗎？

He done this to me. He did this. But you know what? I freak I forgive. I forgive Gigi.

And then after that, it's like a weight just got off my shoulders and Wow. I think that is a critical, critical, critical piece of you having your own peace about it and being able to get over it instead of staying under it. Mhmm. Because what a lot of people do is they'll get out of a toxic relationship, but then they'll stay under it. Yeah.

They hold the grudge and stuff. Over it. Yeah. Yes. And and and, you know, and I I get it.

我理解，因為當別人傷害我愛的人時，我會想做一些違法的事情。但是，你知道，說到底，如果你原諒他們，你不得不原諒他們，這實際上對你有幫助。對。不管他們是否接受，或怎麼想，都無關緊要。你甚至不必告訴他們。

你可以自己說。你可以像我一樣，用我的方式表達自己，例如，我自言自語。我會進行一次冷冰冰的對話，就像我和自己進行了一次完整的對話。我可以在房間裡進行。我也可以走到外面，和自己對話。

I go to the park. Do like, that's what I that's what I that's what I did. I just talked I just talked to myself. And I'm like, you know what? I forgive Gigi.

你們也可以這樣做，或者如果你們想寫信什麼的，但不必著急。不必著急。當你準備好原諒對方的時候，就可以原諒。但我提醒一下，不要告訴他們。是的。

我完全同意。有時候告訴他們可能不是最好的選擇。確實如此。如果你能做到，而且他們也能接受，那就太好了。但我知道，在很多情況下，這並非現實。

Yes. So I think it's important that you pointed that out. And I'm so glad that you, like you said, you can't even imagine what it would have been like if you stayed. I can't. I'm really glad you didn't.

And, I'm glad that, I'm also glad that, I also wanna point out the fact that Janiyah didn't just do this by herself. I mean, she did it by herself, but she also had had me to somebody to talk to about it. And that's so important. Now she had me, you might not have me. You might have a a friend, a family member, you know, a teacher at school.

無論對你來說是誰，在你脆弱的時刻，有人支持你，鼓勵你不要退縮，這非常重要。你的生活中需要有人可以向你敞開心扉。對吧，Janae？是的。而且，我也想指出這一點。

吉吉，他還會逼我做一些我平常不會做的事情。例如，他會逼我抽菸喝酒逃學。我抽煙了，我逃學了，但他之所以逼我做這些事，是因為他放棄了這些事情，而且他不上學了。你們想不想找個有計畫的人約會，或和他們在一起？那才是好的影響力，因為如果沒有，他們會讓你變成他們那樣，而你不想那樣。

你一定不想這樣，因為他不上學，他抽煙，把這種不良習慣傳染給我，我慢慢地變得像他一樣。但有一天，我恢復了自我，不再那樣做了。所以如果有人說，如果有人想強迫你做某件事，那就離他們遠一點。盡快離他們遠一點。這就引出了我要問的問題。

What is your advice for, young women who are who are in the same situation you were in, and maybe they wanna get out, or maybe they just got out and they're so tempted to jump back in, you know, with the the same guy. What's your advice to them? My advice to anyone that just left their relationship or is thinking about getting into a relationship, think of it think of it as a book. You're gonna get the same beginning. You're gonna get the same ending.

It's not gonna end good. You wanna get a new book that's gonna have you're gonna a new ending. I mean, a new beginning and a new ending. Because why put yourself through that? It's not it's it's not worth it.

It's not worth it. And the only person you're hurting is yourself. He knows he knows where she he or he or she knows that they're hurting you. They know what they're doing, but you you you can't control on how they treat you or what they do to you. But you can choose how you're gonna deal with it.

If you're gonna stay, then you're hurting yourself. But if you're gonna get out of it, you're gonna get a you're gonna get a you're gonna you're gonna better your you'll be better yourself. A toxic relationship is also like trying to start a new diet. When you eat junk food, you're not you're not gonna get good results. You're gonna get diabetes or high blood pressure, obesity.

But if you start eating good for yourself and start exercising, you're gonna lose weight. You're gonna have a lot of you're gonna have a lot of good stuff. You you're gonna have a lot of good things that's happening to your body, and you don't have won't have to deal with that when you're won't have to deal with that when you're, like, when you're aging. Wow. I'm telling you.

I said this about her in the previous episode. Yeah. I told you, Janiyah is, she's 17, but she's as wise as as an adult. Some of the stuff that I hear coming out of her mouth is stuff that I you know, people don't figure out until they're 40 and 50 sometimes. And a lot of what she just said, again, I didn't put that in her head.

她用這個來攻擊我。我還想指出她之前說過的一點，但我認為重要的是要指出，你之所以能避免再次陷入之前那種糟糕的感情泥潭，很大程度上是因為你開始認識到自己的價值。是的。你認為你一開始是因為不了解自己的價值而開始這段感情的嗎？是的。

Yes. Because, guys, I was 15. I was I was all over the place because that's because, you know, when I was when I was in ninth grade, it was COVID and stuff. But during COVID, you had the option to either stay home or do it in person. So I got I was happy.

I'm like, oh my god. I have a little boyfriend now. Blah blah blah blah. He's like, saying, yeah. Let's do this.

Let's have sex. Let's do all of this. And I'm like, yeah. Okay. I thought that was cool, but it's not it's not cool.

And I didn't know who I was, and I just let someone Mhmm. Just so let's like, I just let someone pressure me into doing something that I didn't wanna do because I was trying to fit in, trying to impress this person that don't truly care about me. Right. Well, there's so much more we could talk about in this conversation, and there's there is more we're going to, talk about in the future. But, Janiyah, I really, really thank you for bringing this up and wanting to come on and have this conversation.

我希望這真的能幫助那些可能和你處境相同的人，讓他們知道，因為你做到了，這一切都是可能的。是的。再次強調，我為你如此坦誠的表達感到驕傲。我知道這不容易，但你樂於助人的精神真的很棒。是的。

Thank you. You're welcome. And now for a mind shifting moment. If you're listening today and you identify with a lot of what Janiah said, you might be in a toxic relationship yourself. And maybe you want to get out.

I hope you do. I hope you know that you have more value than those who don't value you. If you are in a toxic relationship and you want to get out, maybe you need help. And that's okay. Believe it or not, there are people around you who you probably don't realize will help you.

If you are in need of help right now, go to FatimaBay.com. Go to the other help page. At the bottom, you can click on a link, put in your state and city, and see what help there is around you. I hope that you got something out of today's episode and that you tune in next week for more. Thank you for listening to mind shift power podcast.

Please like and subscribe to my YouTube channel at the mind shifter. If you have any comments, topic suggestions, or would like to be a guest on the show, please visit fatimabay.com/podcast. Remember, there's power in shifting your thinking. Tune in for next week.