Welcome And Guest Introduction

Fatima Bey 0:02

MindShift Power Podcast. This is Mind Shift Power Podcast, the number one critically acclaimed podcast where we have raw, unfiltered conversations that shape tomorrow. I'm your host, Fatima Bey, the Mind Shifter. And welcome everyone. Today we have with us Randy Lee Boslaw. She is out of Ontario, Canada. She's an author, a YouTube host, a mental health advocate, and she's hilarious. How are you doing today, Randy? I'm good. No one's ever described me as hilarious before. I like it. Well, I had an off-air conversation with you, so I already know. This is this is very true. But what we're going to talk about today is not really hilarious. Um, I like to dive right in. So I'm gonna go right into the conversation.

Learning You're Autistic Later

Fatima Bey 0:56

So, Randy, you spent more than half your life fighting depression without knowing you're actually autistic because you were diagnosed with it later on in life. Can you tell us about that?

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh 1:08

Yeah, so it was so much fun finding out. Um, I found out in my mid-30s, and I only found out after my child had been diagnosed with autism at the age of eight, and she was probably about two years into her diagnosis, and she looks at me and says, Mom, if I have autism, I got it from you. Oh yeah, oh yeah. If I got it, I got it from you. Um, and then just went back to watching TV like she didn't just drop a bombshell. Um so I was like, okay, yeah. And then I and I go and I get diagnosed, and I went, wow, my life makes sense. So growing up, I mean, I was kind of, I would say a typical child, but clearly not. But uh things were things were normal-ish as a kid, you know. I played with my cousins, I liked to play Barbies, go climb trees, all that stuff. And then as you get older, that's when discrepancies happen. This is when, and I saw this a lot with my kid too. And looking back, I'm like, oh my gosh, yep, that's my life. And so you get older, and your friends are getting older, and your friends are starting to say, like boys, because they're teenagers. And you're like, but I want to stay home and play Barbies. And so it trying to wrap my head around why they wanted to go out, why they were staying up like because 10 o'clock, that is bedtime. It has always been bedtime. It is still bedtime. And but they would be going out and staying out late or you know, staying out past curfew. My mom never gave me a real curfew because again, I just liked being in bed by 10, so I didn't need one. But like people would be lying to their parents. I'm like, why? What is the purpose of this? Right. So it it was really hard being a teenager. Because first off, every teenager, y'all know that growing up is hard and trying to figure out who you are and how you fit into the world is hard.

Fatima Bey 3:09

Yes.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh 3:09

Then you add that layer of, I don't understand what you're saying. I don't understand why you want to go do these things or why you want to date somebody and hold hands, like touching. Um and so that just adds another layer of I don't understand myself, I don't understand the world. Now I'm depressed. And so for the longest time, I was super depressed, especially as a teenager. Thought about suicide. I had plans. I had, I had plans. Not good plans, but I had plans. And uh it wasn't until actually I was in college that I went, oh, that's depression. Not everyone hates themselves. Got it. Um so it was uh it was very enlightening to go back to your question. It was very enlightening to finally find out that I'm actually autistic, not just depressed.

Fatima Bey 4:01

Not just depressed, not just a weirdo, not just strange, not just abnormal, right? Mm-hmm. And a lot of other words. Exactly. Well, yeah, I mean, I I say that because I've talked about autism before, but I think people who are listening right now, some of them feel that way. And they think that there's something dramatically wrong with them. And it's like, there no, there there really isn't. Now, me personally, I see autistic people as gifted, not I don't see them as disability. And a lot of people disagree with me. They have that, you you all have that title, blah, blah, blah. And I'm just like, you just people who think differently. Like, I it doesn't, I don't see you guys as a bunch of weirdos. I just see you as people whose brains are wired differently.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh 4:54

But I like being a weirdo.

Fatima Bey 4:57

And you know, for for for me anyway, but that's that's just how I personally feel. Um, having learned a lot from people like you, I uh you guys have taught me a lot. So so you you found

Masking And Teen Depression

Fatima Bey 5:10

out later in life that you were actually autistic, and that explained so much. How did that affect did that affect how you felt about your depression, how your depression affected you?

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh 5:21

Yes, yes, a thousand times, yes. Um, no, I definitely still have depression. Um, so I I know you told me to stay on topic, but a little side note. Um for those that are dealing with depression, anxiety, whatever, and you are prescribed medication, and that medication helps, and you feel much better. Don't just decide to stop. There's a reason that you feel better, and the reason is probably the medication that was prescribed. Um, I say this because I, you know, felt much better with my depression and went, oh, I don't need this anymore and stopped and got severely ill and um super depressed again. Oh so I like to always add that side note in that talk to your doctor because yeah, it's it's not good. Um so with that being said, the the reason that that we took that little side journey is it all it all wraps back into this question that you've asked. Um I felt a relief. Like, wow, those things in my life finally made sense. And you said it, oh, you're not just a weirdo. And before I used to not be like being called a weirdo. Now I now you now I embrace the word weirdo. Actually, not so much weirdo. I like the word crazy. Some people hate that. I love, I call myself crazy all the time.

Fatima Bey 6:37

Well, I call myself crazy all the time too.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh 6:38

Right? And I love it. Um, because I'm very quirky, I'm very out there, I'm very animated. Y'all can't see me. However, I am still talking with my hands because that's what I do. Um, so having that diagnosis made my life make sense, which then made me go, oh, things are okay. Now I still have depression, I still take my antidepressants, and they are fabulous, but I'm okay with myself now. And when I have a problem, I don't just go, oh my gosh, I don't know. And I'm just gonna try and people please, and I'm gonna try and mask, and I'm gonna try and fit in. Teenagers, that was not fun at all.

Fatima Bey 7:15

I I want to add in something that I I meant to say at the beginning and I didn't add it to my notes. That I, you know, I discovered because I didn't, I really didn't know this until I started diving into uh learning more about um people with autism, that depression is very, very, very, very common with people. I don't remember what the percentage is. It's really, really high though. Uh for something like 80% or something like that. It's very high, yeah. Um, of people with autism usually experience depression. And that's probably why I want to to have you come on, because I really want people to understand why, not just chemically why. Because we can read a science book to understand the chemistry, but some of what you just explained is partly why. Because you feel like, you know, like what you what you just described, what you feel like, and and it's hard to kind of look up to the world if you're so down. Your chemistry can change after a while if that persists. That's another conversation. But but if the chemistry can change if that persists, and then that's when the medication works. Um exactly. So let me let's take a deeper dive into uh a piece of that. A lot of teens today are exhausted from pretending they're okay, like really pretending they're okay. When you look back, what are the moments where you now recognize that you were just masking pain, not managing life?

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh 8:45

So, in other words, the years of 13 to say um now. So I I would say from my memories, and I'll admit, I think a lot of like people talk about I remember all these things I did when I was younger. I don't. And that's probably a trauma response. But from what I do from what I do remember, I would say the masking started hardcore at around 13. Like I was describing, you're you're trying to fit in, you're trying to figure those things out. Right. But when I when I search back even younger, I can remember things that were still masking in elementary school. Um, things that, you know, people would say, Oh, we're gonna go have a summer party, and okay, sure, I'll do it. And again, I want to be asleep at 10. And well, probably when I was younger and earlier, and everybody's like, let's stay up all night. I'm like, okay, sure. Um, so trying to fit in has always been difficult. But again, that when you're a teenager, that's when you're expected to know who you are. That's not even close to reality. Um, so masking is absolutely exhausting when you are spending six hours a day at school. Because I'm gonna say masking generally happens around the school day, because that's when you're around the most amount of people, and that's when you want to put up the facade of yes, I fit into this group that I have decided I fit into with. Um, and it's exhausting to pretend to be someone else all day long. It is absolutely exhausting. And then you come home to a safe place, ideally, and that's when hopefully you can just let it go and let the mask down. But that's also when meltdowns happen because you're around people that should be loving. And I say that um because I know some homes are not. I mean, when I was a teenager, I'd go home and my stepdad was complete alcoholic, so you never knew what you were walking into. Again, maybe another story. Um, but ideally, when you go home, you can release that mask and you feel completely different and you might have some meltdowns. I definitely did.

 Fatima Bey 11:06

Yeah. And I think there's a lot of people listening right now who they can relate to everything you just said because they're experiencing that right now. Um

Tired Versus Emotionally Exhausted

Fatima Bey 11:15

so you've lived through depression, chronic pain, cancer, and a late diagnos, uh late autism diagnosis. What do you wish teens understood about the difference between being tired and being emotionally worn down from carrying too much for too long?

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh 11:37

Oh, there's so much, guys. There's so much. I'm gonna say, and I'll probably give a longer answer after, but the boiled down point of everything I'm gonna ramble on about is being tired. You go to sleep, you get your eight hours, you wake up and you feel refreshed. Being exhausted from doing all the things from masking, from dealing with your emotions, just dealing with life as a whole. Exhausted is you get your eight hours and you're still tired the next day. That that's a great indication that you are overexhausted from emotions, not just tired for sleep. Um, like is that excellent detail. Excellent detail. Thank you. Um, so other things that can show that to you, right? Because I mean, I I want everybody listening to know that because it's hard as a kid, as a teenager, it's hard to know the difference. I only can tell you the difference because I've lived it for far too many years. So as a teenager, I want to know. But if you're waking up the next day and you're still exhausted, maybe take a moment and write down what you're feeling. Write down all the crap that's been going on. Because honestly, and I used to think this was like, you know, hocus pocus crap. But if you write it down and it's out of your brain, it really does help to make you feel better because you're not holding it in anymore. It's huge. Um, and I mean like physically writing with a pen and paper, ideally, um, because it's the not just getting the thoughts out, but it's the physical motion of creating the words as well. Now I know not everybody can. I mean, my kid, she's got such fine motor issues that won't help. So I mean, if you have to do a computer, if you have to do speech to text, do it. Right. Um, but if you can, pen and paper is is the way to go. Um, but watch and watch yourselves for signs. If you are standing in a group of people, and I remember this so vividly in high school. I was at school, my best friend at the time, um, that's a whole other story, but I masked so hard and I look back and go, Why were we ever friends? But I remember I was standing there and she came up and she asked me something. I don't remember the question, but I remember the feelings because this is this is what life is. We remember emotions. She asked me something, and I go, What are you talking about? She goes, You said we were going to go wherever it was, like to the mall or something. You said we were gonna go out after school today. I literally stopped and looked at her and I was thinking, I go, I don't remember the last week. Like it was a blank in my brain at that time. Like now I'm saying I don't remember things as a kid because of trauma response, but that entire week, I don't remember. And I was living it at the time. And again, I can look back and say that's a trauma response. So if you are talking to someone, if you are going through a moment and you're looking back, going, I literally don't remember what the hell happened yesterday, two days ago, whatever. Like it's a it's a complete blank in your brain. That's gonna be a sign that you're emotionally exhausted and something's going on.

Fatima Bey 14:46

You know what, Randy? You just really explained this so well. That's it. Oh my God, this is an excellent example. I promise you, there are a thousand people listening to this right now who just really clicked with what you just said. And they won't say it out loud, they won't admit it to anybody because they don't want people to think they're crazy, but they've experienced that. And yeah, it there's such a big difference between being tired and being exhausted. And when sleep doesn't, and this is true about a lot of things, not just what we're talking about in particular, if sleep doesn't solve the problem, then it's not the problem. You gotta find out what actually is the problem.

Don't Tap Out Too Tired

Fatima Bey 15:27

And usually it is something mental or emotional, um, usually emotional. Um, you have a motto that says, never let too tired keep you down. But there's a deeper story behind that. What does too tired really mean for someone who has spent their whole life pushing through invisible battles?

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh 15:47

So this is actually a funny story where it came from. And then we'll we'll say why I kept it going. So I was a kickboxer, um, like competed. I was a national champ actually in Canada. Uh, I competed internationally a couple times. Like I was a really high-level athlete. Um and we were watching, my my teammates and I were watching a tournament, and this guy comes out and he's so buff and rip dabs and big strong arms, and we're like, oh dang, all right. And then this his opponent comes out. And this is the over 200-pound category, these big guys. Another guy comes out and he's got kind of like a beer belly going on or whatever. And we're like, mmm, hmm, where are we putting our money on, right? And the guy that was completely jacked and ripped, um, kept falling down. No, he wasn't falling down because he was being punched so hard he was falling down. He was falling down because he was tired. You could see it. You could see that he was getting exhausted. And so to give himself that little break he needed to catch his breath, he would fall down. Oh, wow. And that's when me and me and my teammates all started talking about, oh my gosh, he's too tired. Why is he so tired? He's too, he hasn't been working on his cardio, right? And we're all whispering. Um safe to say he he lost and the other guy won. And first off, side note, appearances clearly do not match what our thoughts are. So never j never judge a person by the the skin they're in. Um, anyways, back to your question. And so that's where that motto came from. Don't tap out too tired is what we started saying in training. And so then I started adopting it just in life. Because yes, it worked in training. Oh my gosh, I'm so tired. And then, you know, your your teammate would say, I don't tap out, don't tap out because we were referring to that fight. And we're like, okay, I got this. Another two minutes, I got this. You can do anything for two minutes because that's how long the rounds were. And then you got your break and you got to go again. Um, so starting to adopt that into life is taking it and going, oh my gosh, I don't want to keep going, especially when you're depressed. I just want to, for me, and do not do this. Okay, here's my disclaimer: do not do this. Um, I just want to jump off a bridge, actually, drive my car off a bridge. That was that was my go-to, um, my plan. And it was though, then that little voice in my head, well, don't tap out to tired. Do don't do not do that. And it's like, okay, fine. Even though I'm emotionally exhausted, even though my brain is telling me I'm the worst person in the world, even though all of these things are going on, my body is wanting to kill me, like from the cancer and stuff. Don't tap out to tired. And it's exhausting. Um, but that's really what it came down to is life will throw everything at you. But you just have to take one moment. I I know in like AA and stuff, they'll say one day at a time. I started saying one one minute at a time because one minute was all I could handle.

Fatima Bey 18:57

You know what I hear you saying um there is that you know, sometimes I I love the way you just said one minute at a time. Because a lot of time we say one step at a time. I say that all the time too. But I think people don't understand that big leaps are not always realistic. And, you know, and it's okay that you take a tiny micro step. That's still a step. You know, it's still movement, it's still movement towards what you need to move towards, towards growth. And one day at a time, one step at a time, one minute at a time is how we move forward and how we begin the process of getting over what we've been under.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh 19:40

Yeah. Actually, something that um as you were talking just now, and I think the people listening might resonate with this, is when you were saying what one step or one micro thing, um, one breath. It doesn't even have to be a movement forward. One breath equals movement forward in life, right? One breath can bring us back to the moment, but one breath also means where's the next breath? And the next breath, and that means living. You can't you can't be dead if you're breathing. So one more breath.

Fatima Bey 20:15

Yeah. And for some people that's where they are, and that's where they need to be able to get to before they can move on to you know, getting better, whatever the better is for them. Um so uh for the young woman and or the young man listening who feels overwhelmed, misunderstood, or

Normal Is Overrated

Fatima Bey 20:36

like they're failing at being normal, what is something you want them to know right now?

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh 20:41

Short answer, normal is overrated. So I uh I mean, I talked about it, I spent a lot of time masking growing up, especially as a teenager, because that's when you want to fit in the most. Um, and I spent a lot of time thinking, I need to be normal, I need to fit into this mold. Okay, this is what this person is doing, therefore I must do this. Oh, people like this kind of outfit. I need to wear this kind of outfit. And now that I have freed myself, I guess in a sense, um, I can I don't care what they think. Now it's not to say in a mean way, because I do like to be complimented at work when somebody's like, oh, thank you. I'll be like, compliments and cookies, please. Um That's what I like to be paid in, compliments and cookies. Um so you know, it's it's okay to want to fit in, however, just know that maybe you're not meant to fit in with those people. Maybe you're meant to fit in with someone else. That's something I've very much learned as an adult, which I really wish I would have known as a kid or as a teenager. Because now that I've realized that, the friends I have are amazing. They get me. When I'm like, guys in bailing on our hangout tonight. Because I am just so exhausted, they're like, oh girl, okay, text me later and we'll make roots other plans. Whereas when I was trying to fit in with a group of people that were not my people, were were not um meant for me, it was, oh my gosh, I'm so exhausted. But if I don't go, they're gonna be upset with me. If I don't go, then they're gonna make fun of me. And so you I would push through, and that's not okay. So being normal, be you. You will eventually find your people. Maybe you don't have them right now, but you will find them. So be you.

Fatima Bey 22:36

So what you're saying is they shouldn't try to be normal.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh 22:41

No, normal is so overrated. Be out of the box. People like to say you have to fit in the box. They say, I burn that box down. So if they shouldn't be normal, then who should they be?

Fatima Bey 22:51

themselves. Yes. And here's the thing: many of you listening right now, you know you're in that struggle of trying to be normal, trying to fit in with everyone else. Be yourself is the truth. But I also want to say being yourself is a discovery zone. You don't just know who you are, born out the womb. I know who I is, and I was gonna be like that for the rest of my life. Nobody goes out the womb saying that. You have to discover, and it is okay that you don't, if you don't know who that is yet, okay, that's where you are. That's fine. No judgment here. Find out, figure it out. It's really fun to. The effort is how you get there. It's not magical. No one's gonna die. This is how you find yourself. ABC 123. Some of those forms. When you end up depressed. For real. Because nobody fits into those. Some of those formulas can work when you're at a certain point. But you need to discover who you are because once you discover who you are, you don't care what anybody else thinks. You do not care. And I want to point this out to the audience because you just heard it through Randy's story. She didn't know who she was. She was masking a heart. She was pretending. Once she discovered, oh my God, I'm I'm autistic, that's why this, that's why that. It explains everything. She began to know and seeing, and she began to know who she is. That's why she doesn't give a crap what you think about her right now. And I can say the same thing about my story. I'm not autistic, but I have a lot of stories similar to Randy, actually. Um, some of the principles, anyway. And knowing who I am is why I'm able to be confident and say, say and do some of the stuff I say now. You know, I'm very public. Um, if you Google my name, I'm like the whole first three pages of Google.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh 24:44

Oh, me too.

Fatima Bey 24:45

And I because we're awesome. And but but I I can do that now because I'm confident. I know who I am. And because I know who I am, I don't need you to define who I am. I don't care if I fit in with you. And many of you listen want to get to that point. And if you listen to what Brandy is saying about being yourself and discovering who you are, you can get to the point where she is too. And I'm especially for you people that are neurodivergent, no matter what label they slapped on you or didn't slap on you. Because I don't really care about the labels as much as I care about the content. So that's why I say it that way. But um so what advice do you have for the youth of the world today?

Advice For Teens And Self-Discovery

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh 25:28

Oof, everything I've already said. Um, I would say the biggest thing is live, live the life you want to live. Don't live the life that somebody else wants for you. Now, I mean, in that, don't just be like, oh, I was, you know, that girl, Randy, she told me that I'm not have to listen to you, Mom Dad. Um, if they are giving you reasonable boundaries, um, please do listen to them. As a parent, my and I know I'm not talking to adults today, but as a parent, I only set reasonable expectations for my teen and my teen hates it. However, we do it for a good reason. So for the teens out there listening, within reasonable boundaries and legal things, um, live for you and figure out who you are. Try different things. Explore, right? You're not gonna, and I mean, if a team has said it perfectly, you don't come out the womb knowing exactly who you is, therefore, make sure that you explore, you find new things, you try, you fail. Failing is really, really sucky at the time, but failing is amazing after discovering, oh, that didn't work. If I try this, oh, look, it did work. It's great. So try things, fail at things, succeed at things, try different things, things you've never even thought you you might like. Try them. Because at this time, when you are a teenager, at this pivotal moment, you are deciding who you are. Don't let other people box you in. Try different things and figure out who you are. Do not just go one direction and this is the only way to go. There's so many. So open your mind up to all of the different possibilities out there.

Testing For Autism And Ending Stigma

Fatima Bey 27:17

I want to add something on top of that. Um, for the for those of listening right now, if you recognize some of what we've talked about, and I've had other episodes where I'm talking about autism um and or neurodivergence, go get tested. If you think you might be autistic, please, please, please, if you recognize some of the things that we've talked about and this and other episodes, please go get tested because it can only help you. It's, you know, you just heard Randy say how much it helped her to have a place to belong. To know who she is and who she isn't. That matters. And for some of you right now, you're going to think and you're feeling like you're weird and you're stupid and you're dumb or whatever negative thing about yourself. You might simply need a diagnosis so you know where to put it and move forward. You have anything else to add, Randy?

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh 28:15

I mean, I could talk to you for hours and hours more. I I will say only because I say this, ending my show every day, it's con it's my other slogan, other than my life, my life motto of don't tap out too tired. My slogan is the only way to end the stigma mental health is to speak openly and honestly. And speaking to teenagers right now, your generation has the opportunity to change what stigma is. Yes, don't do. Don't be scared to speak openly. Don't be scared to be honest. Now, there's appropriate times and places, especially if you are worried, you know, pick and choose. I'm not saying you have to be loud like we are. Um, but don't be quiet because quiet is what puts us in a box and quiet is what makes us mask and get depressed.

Fatima Bey 29:01

So quiet is one of the best miracle grows for all your problems. Just saying. Yes. It's like, oh, secrets and quiet. Let's make that problem bigger. Pour it right on. And it's a miracle

Where To Find Randy And Closing Message

Fatima Bey 29:14

growth what helps things to get worse. Um, well, Randy, tell everyone where they can find uh where they can find you, where they can find your podcast.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh 29:22

Yeah. Um, so I mean, if you just Google Randy Lee Bow's Law, uh, you'll find lots and lots. Um, but my website is rbwriting.ca. If you search me up on Amazon, you'll find all of my books, lots of them about the topics we've been talking about. So if any of them resonated with you, you can dig a little deeper and get those. I would highly suggest the book Embracing Me based on the topics that we've talked about today. Um, and then my YouTube channel, it's called The Write or Die Show.

Fatima Bey 29:52

All right. And all of there will be links to all of that on the podcast page. So um make sure you uh go to her podcast page on my website because that's where I will link every single one of those so that you all can take a look and listen to her podcast. And she takes a much deeper dive. We've only touched the surface, actually, on in this episode. We've only touched the surface of a lot of stuff that she dives into. So I do recommend that you go take a look and hear things from her perspective because even if you're not a person in the spectrum, there's still something to learn. So thank you, Randy, for coming on.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh 30:25

I really enjoyed talking to you. Thank you so much for having me.

Fatima Bey 30:30

And now for a mind-shifting moment. I want to take a moment to focus on something we just touched on in this episode. Many of you listening are feeling alone. Maybe lonely, maybe isolated, because you don't fit in. There are so many of you that don't fit in with your surroundings, with the people in your town, the people at your school, maybe the people in your neighborhood, maybe even the people in your family. But I want to say to you this you do not need to fit in. Everybody doesn't need to accept you. Everybody doesn't need to understand you. Everybody doesn't even need to like you. But I can promise you this you do have people out there who actually do understand you. They might not be in your neighborhood, your school, your family, but they are out there. There are people, no matter who you are, who actually understand you. Find them. You do not have to be alone. You really don't. You really aren't alone unless you choose to be. Someone else out there who's feeling just like you actually understands you. You just need to find each other. Find your tribe. They're waiting. You've been listening to MindShift Power Podcast for complete show notes on this episode, and to join our global movement, find us at fatimabey.com. Until next time, always remember there's power in shifting your thinking.