Fattima Bey: 0:10

Welcome to MindShift Power Podcast, the world's only podcast built to empower the next generation. I'm your host, Fatima Bey the MindShifter, because shaping tomorrow's world starts with conversations we have today and welcome, welcome everyone. Today we have with us Claudia Noriega Bernstein. She is out of Nevada in the United States. She's a life coach and the host of Don't Shrink to Fit podcast. She is originally from Peru and a powerhouse woman who I can't wait to talk to you. How are you today, Claudia?

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 0:48

I am so happy to be here with you because I know this conversation is going to be juicy.

Fattima Bey: 0:54

It will be Absolutely so. I'd like to dive right into it. So tell the listeners something. Tell the listeners about you.

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 1:02

I am originally from Peru. You're correct. I was born there and raised there. When I was very young somebody very close to my family, not very young like a child, but when I was a young teenager, I was very much in love with somebody and I thought my life was going to be like the fairy tales that we watch or read about. And somebody close to my family had something with this person and broke my heart and after that I really lost every desire to fall in love, follow love and I kind of was pushed into a marriage that was extremely abusive for five years. I got pregnant and after that he was very violent with me. I lost the baby and I ran away and I came to the United States to start over. I didn't want that life for me anymore. I didn't really have anything left in me as far as self-esteem or love for myself, but somehow there was a little light in my soul that was telling me there is more for you you can't stay here.

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 2:08

So I came to the states and I started over. I met the father of my kids. I got married with him four months later and I think I got married. Mostly I wasn't in love with him and he knew it, but I was in so much need to feel loved and for kindness and for laughs and for companion that that was enough. Love wasn't in the table and that was okay.

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 2:32

I ended up falling in love with him. We had a happy marriage for almost six years, have three daughters. But then, you know, he made some choices that were not aligned with me and he kind of brought me back to that place where I was before you know, that place.

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 2:49

That not enough, not worthy of. And so I left him. And it was very hard because at that moment, you know, you look around and you see the house, the cars, the clothes, the purses and everything and you're like I mean, I can look the other way, nobody's going to know. But I knew, I knew and I had to look at myself in the mirror and I have three little girls and I have to love myself, or at least learn to love myself, so I can teach those girls to do the same and not follow my footsteps at that point of my life, but create a different narrative, a different story, a different happy ending. And that's what I did. I put my big girl shoes and started working and started creating what I believed was meant for me. And at the beginning I didn't believe it, but I trusted that there was something more for me and I kept on going and little by little, I created the life that I have now.

Fattima Bey: 3:55

What was the bridge between I don't believe in myself to I'm going to try.

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 4:00

I think it was more the reason, not the bridge. I didn't want my girls to have my story. I didn't want my girls to grow up thinking they have to be a work for love. Be somebody. I grew up being the good girl. My mom wanted me to be Whatever in her head that was. I believe that in order for me to receive that love, I needed to be that person.

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 4:30

And when I came to realize that I was very unhappy, that I felt broken, that I felt that I didn't even have a purpose, I turned around to look at my girls and that was my fuel. That was what kept me going day after day after day, every day that I didn't think I had what it take. I would look at them and I said, okay, I'm not doing it for me, I'm doing it for them. Now I do it for me. Now I know it's not selfish to put the mask on me first, the oxygen mask. Now I know that I'm worthy of everything that is available for me.

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 5:04

Now I know my enoughness and I truly believe that when you know your value, you stop giving discounts. You just stop. You say no, I am going to set my boundaries and this is not going to happen to me again. I am not going to allow it and I am meant for more. And you really have to have that belief and even the days that you have doubt, you got to trust the process and know that God has your agenda and he didn't bring us here to suffer. He didn't bring us to allow people to hurt us. So if you're in that situation, you need to really look at yourself in the mirror and say is this the life that I'm supposed to live? No, okay, am I scared? Yes, shedless scared, but I'm going to keep on going because I know that at the end of the tunnel there's going to be the light.

Fattima Bey: 5:54

What I just heard, what I grabbed from what you said. One of the things I grabbed from what you just said is that it wasn't a feeling, it was a decision. It wasn't a feeling. Feelings will follow your decision and what you just explained that's one of the biggest things I heard out of it, because people feel scared, they feel unworthy and that's not going to go away overnight, but the decision to overcome it and the decision to move on beyond it is what the feelings will follow later.

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 6:44

You agree, yes, and you know what, excuse me. You start collecting evidence. You start collecting evidence that you are in the right path. Even if they are tiny little steps forward. You collect evidence and that evidence becomes that fuel, that bridge that will bring you to the other side.

Fattima Bey: 7:05

So we're here today to talk about women who are shrinking themselves or silenced, not speaking up. There are many different ways we could word it. What does a silenced woman look like? What are the signs?

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 7:30

I think a silent woman, and I'm just going to describe myself because I was very much. What are the signs? Think that she has something to bring to the table.

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 7:43

She thinks that nobody's going to believe her, nobody's going to listen. What would I try? Are you kidding me what everybody's going to think of me? I just better be quiet. I should withdraw and listen and obey and just be what other people want me to be, because if I don't make waves, if I don't show up big, if I don't make noise, then people are going to like me better and I'm not going to have any conflict. That's a silent woman, but behind all that, that, you see, is a belief that she's not enough and that she's not worthy of more.

Fattima Bey: 8:24

Yes. So why is the silent woman a bad thing? The woman you just described? What's wrong with that? So she's obedient, she falls in place, she conforms to what society says she's supposed to be, what her parents taught her that you don't speak up and you fall into place. What's wrong with that?

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 8:46

Well, I think the main reason why we are that way and you see a lot of that in South America. I'm from Peru and I grew up seeing my mother and my grandmother and my aunts. They believe they're supposed to have the burnt toast. They inherit roles. They believe that the expectations are passed down through generations and that's all you can aspire to be. We learn how to navigate love, how to sacrifice, how to stay silent. We learn that from other generations. So again, why are we going to make noise? Why are we going to show up different? This is how it's supposed to be. So just be quiet and do what you're told to do, and that's that. And I, as a man, I'm going to provide for you and I'm going to give you a house and you're going to be taken care of, and your job is taking care of me, having kids and be quiet.

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 9:47

Now, a lot has changed in the last years, of course, in the last decades, you know. But there's still people my generation, my age, that went to school with me that have the same beliefs, the same limited beliefs, and they don't feel they have the right to have a career, to follow a dream, to make something that they always wanted a reality, because they were programmed to think that that's not for them and that's it. And the problem here is that they pass that down to their kids. So then you have another generation with those limited beliefs. Now we can honor the journey of our ancestors and learn from their mistakes and have a different life, but we don't see that as an option. And if you see your cousin, your aunt, your neighbor having that same lifestyle, how are you going to empower yourself to be the one making the difference? Just stay put, because that's what is expected. That's the sad part of it. You are not strong enough to break those patterns, or you don't feel that's better. You don't feel you're strong enough to break those patterns.

Fattima Bey: 11:00

But what's wrong with staying there? What damage does that mindset do to the woman who holds it?

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 11:08

You shrink into fit, you will never know your potential, you will never achieve those dreams and you will never really know what being happy and joyful and fulfilled and accomplished feels like. You don't have that. You won't get that evidence because you're afraid. That's the problem. They're afraid, they're afraid to show up, oh my goodness. And you know what. And society also labels you. Because if you are that woman that is a go-getter, that wants to have a business, that wants to be successful, then it's like, oh, I wonder what she did to get there.

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 11:48

Sometimes, we women are our worst enemies because we cannot do it. So then, instead of empowering that other woman that is breaking the glass ceiling, we judge her. Why is she doing that? I wonder who helped her. I wonder what she had to do to get there. Instead of saying good for you, girl, I'm following your footsteps. I want that too. Thank you for giving me the courage. Thank you for showing me what's possible for me.

Fattima Bey: 12:17

Yes.

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 12:18

So that's exactly what the mind shift happens when you understand that that is also possible for you. You just need to want it bad enough.

Fattima Bey: 12:29

I'm going to piggyback off of some of what you said One of the other things that is harmful. Well, I asked you specifically how is it harmful to the woman? But I'm going to add to it how it's harmful to the society that they're in. When you have women who are silent, who are full of potential, full of intelligence, full of life, full of ideas, full of innovations, when they shut up, our whole society suffers because now the cure for cancer is not being found. The next invention is going to have to wait another hundred years because we shut up Maria, and Maria had the answer. When women shrink to fit, we all suffer because now that great potential in them has been stuffed into a tiny little box that they don't really fit in. It hurts all of us, not just the woman.

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 13:23

But we allow it, and that's the sad part of it. Let me tell you something real fast. When I was 21 years old, I wrote my first book and that book was published by somebody else because he was a man, and he convinced me that nobody's going to read this. I mean, you're a girl and you're too young, you know it's yours, you should be proud, but nobody's going to buy this. I mean, you're a girl and you're too young, you know it's yours, you should be proud, but nobody's going to buy it. If you publish it and he published it my work. But here's the thing I allow it. Yeah, I allow that person to do it. You know how many times I have trunk to fit.

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 14:04

That's what my show is called Don't Shrink to Fit because, I had to remind myself over and over again that I will never shrink to fit again, that I will never take somebody else's beliefs as mine, that I will create my own beliefs and that I am capable to create the life, that I want beliefs and that I am capable to create the life that I want. I don't need somebody else to create it for me. I don't need somebody else to tell me if I can or I cannot. I know I believe I can. That's when everything shifted my life.

Fattima Bey: 14:36

Yes. So if a young woman is listening to you right now and she's currently living that shrinking to fit life, how can she get out of?

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 14:44

that shrinking to fit life. How can she get out of that?

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 14:48

I think it's very important who you hang out with Having a tribe that empower you, not to push you down. That empower you. Go and get resources, educate yourself, learn, be a sponge, encourage your community to embrace that, create sisterhoods that can empower you. Every time you find a wall in the middle of the road and you feel, okay, this is it, this is where I stop. No, no, no, you can do it. Keep on going. When we lead by example, we show the other women what's possible for them, and I think one of the most important thing that we can do as women is listen. Listen to other women, allow them to express themselves, get curious about what they want, because, you don't know, maybe you have an advice for them or maybe that story is going to empower you. So listen to the women in your life. Go talk to your grandma. Find out what dreams she had, how come she didn't make them true.

Fattima Bey: 15:53

How come?

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 15:54

she didn't go after them. What stopped her? Learn Don't just put a cross, you know, on those characters in your life and say, no, I don't want to be like her, and that's that. Nuh-uh, get curious. Go find out why she didn't do it. Because she had the same tools that you have. So what stopped her? And how many more tools you can have in your toolbox so you don't end up like her?

Fattima Bey: 16:18

That's some pretty powerful stuff. Yeah, find out why they didn't live out their dreams so that you can learn. You can learn from other people's mistakes. All of us can. All of us can, and if you can watch other people, what works for them? But I think the most powerful thing I'm not sure if you could say anything more powerful is watch who you hang out with. It's a sentiment that I'm constantly preaching. Our surroundings are so important. Find your tribe, your supportive tribe, your means of support, because it is very difficult to get out of that mode If you have an auntie and a mother who are living shrunken and they want you to shrink too, because it's all they know and you want to rise up out of that. But your auntie and your mom are the closest ones to you. That's when you need to branch out and get other people around you who can show you a better way, who can help to uplift you.

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 17:10

And what do you know? Maybe you're going to inspire them. Maybe there is no age to create a dream or to fulfill a dream. Maybe you're going to inspire them. Maybe you're going to inspire them. Maybe your mom at 50-something watches you breaking those rules and say, hey, I want that too. I'm going to go to school, I'm going to open my little shop in the corner, I'm going to do things that I wanted to do. She can do it, I can do it.

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 17:42

We inspire. We cannot make anybody do anything, but we can inspire them, yes, and we can show up big so they see the possibilities, not the probabilities, the possibilities that are available for them. That's how you show up big, secure, and you enroll them into that vision that you have, because that vision is not just for you. That vision is for everyone around you and especially for the next generations. That's how you break that cycle. It stops with you, it stops right there. No more. No more being silenced when you are abused at home. No more being silenced when they tell you you're stupid. No more being silenced when they make you believe that you're not worthy of whatever it is that you want. Stops with you, but you got to believe it.

Fattima Bey: 18:30

So I want you to take a moment to talk to. Actually, I'm going to back up a little bit because I think we should address this and make sure that we're giving people realistic advice for the reality they're going to deal with. When a woman who has been shrunken, who's been told to be shrunken, the expectations of everybody around her is her silence and obedience, Will it make waves when she tries to climb out the box?

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 18:55

Yes, that's exactly what happened and that's what we, when we are in that place, we're afraid of.

Fattima Bey: 19:02

We don't want to make noise. We don't want to be the squeaky wheel.

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 19:05

We want to be the good girls we are taught to be. You see, when you're little, as a little girl, you're watching, right, you're watching how your mom is, how your grandma is, how your dad is. And let me tell you something about the men. There is some men that are so caught up in the way they think they should be that they're not open for anything else.

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 19:29

But then there are other men that will see your potential and will get curious with you and will want to learn a little more. So I don't want to categorize like all men in South America are machistas. You know it's not everybody that are machistas. You know that is not everybody. But I think that a lot also has to do with the role they inherit. You see, the father inherited to the son, the mother inherited to the daughter. So they grew up thinking that is how it's supposed to be. It takes one person, one person in the village, to say no, I'm not doing that, I'm not getting married at 17. I'm not going to just have kids and be at home. I want something else, for somebody else in the same circle to start getting curious to and start wanting the same thing.

Fattima Bey: 20:17

Yes.

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 20:18

But one person had to start. You know, and as I said before, not everybody is going to embrace it, but that's okay.

Fattima Bey: 20:24

Exactly, exactly, yeah, what I'm saying is it's going to make waves. It's going to make some people uncomfortable, because people would rather be uncomfortable than make room for change. And this is true with a lot of things, not just what we're talking about. So when you decide to unbox yourself, you know, woman, and you decide to rise up and allow your voice to be heard, there are going to be people who are absolutely going to tell you to shut the hell up and sit down, don't. You're making them uncomfortable. That's not your fault and that's not your problem. That's theirs. They're unwilling to move.

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 21:01

You know, I had a client once that came to me because I coach moms. I'm an inner abundance coach and I coach moms and I coach mom because I'm passionate about it and I've been in those shoes and I know how long I shrunk to fit and I want to empower them. So this woman called me and complained about everything that was happening to her in her life. There was no possibility of happening for her, because sometimes you want to tell them okay, listen, god is sending you a lot of signs here. You're just refusing to see him, okay. So she comes and she tells me everything. My husband is this and my kids don't talk to me and they don't respect me and they treat me like that. And I go, I hear you and what are you doing about it? Oh, I can't do anything. So you don't want to work with me, because you want me to help you. You want to work with me so I can just listen to you complaining about the life that you have, because, unfortunately, when we live in the garbage it doesn't stink anymore.

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 22:11

We get used to it. We get used to, yeah, he always treats me like that and, yeah, my kids are not respectful and we don't know how to set the boundaries, so we accept it right. And then and this is the thing, because she called me back after a year and she was exactly in the same place. She said to me you know what, I didn't want to work with you in changing the way I was acting, because then he's nice and I didn't want to complain when he was nice, so he can come and treat you like you're a piece of shit, right? And then he comes back and say hey, I want to take you to dinner and you're going to take that leftover that he has for you, because you don't believe that you are worthy of the meal. You want the leftover. So a year went by and she was exactly in the same place, because nothing changes until we start healing ourselves.

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 23:15

And the first thing that we got to heal is that little girl, that little girl that we let down so many times because we adopted those beliefs that were inherited from other generations. That's how you start by healing your inner child, by start talking to you nice, instead of looking at yourself in the mirror and say I'm fat and ugly, I'm this or that. Start being kind to yourself. Start by loving yourself, but before that, start by knowing getting to know yourself, because you cannot love anything that you don't know. So get to know yourself, accept yourself, embrace yourself, and if you have to look at yourself in the mirror and say, I'm sorry, I let you down, I'm sorry, I didn't value you, I'm sorry I didn't love you enough to say no and to set my boundaries, because your soul knows that you're meant for more. You're just shutting your soul off. You're shutting it off Like don't tell me, because I don't want to have a fight, I don't want to have an argument, I don't want to confront anyone. This is fine, I'm fine. You're an argument. I don't want to confront anyone. This is fine, I'm fine, you're not fine, you're not fine. Crying in the shower is not fine. Screaming in a pillow is not fine. Sitting in your car five minutes longer because you just don't want to get home is not fine. So recognize those signs. Home is not fine. So recognize those signs, recognize what your inner child is asking you and start healing her.

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 24:52

You know, one of the things that I tell my clients is that don't push your feelings away. Your feelings make you sick. They get storage in your body. Then suddenly you have a cancer or you have an illness and you don't know where that illness came from. You know, I had three times cancer in my thyroid, between my heart and my lungs and in my uterus. That should be a red flag for me because of my three chakras. Why? Because I was holding everything in. I didn't want to make noise, so the signs were there. You want to call it the universe. Call it the universe. You want to call it the universe. Call the universe. You want to call it God, call it God. Whatever it is. They're sending you signs and you are choosing not to listen. Start listening and start healing from the inside out. Don't try to fix. That's another thing that we do with our daughters. We try to fix them.

Fattima Bey: 25:43

Let them talk.

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 25:44

Yes, your feelings Mm-hmm, yes, mm-hmm. It's usable, but it's disposable. So, girls, nowadays they want to be usable, they want to show up pretty, but then they're disposable, because we teach people how we want to be treated.

Fattima Bey: 26:16

If.

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 26:16

I show up like a crystal glass, nobody's going to throw me in the garbage because I'm a crystal glass. But if I show up as a styrofoam cup, I mean, how long are you going to keep that around? So it's how you show up. What boundaries are you setting? What are your non-negotiables? What are you allowed to have in your life? What you're not? And if you saying no makes you unpopular, so be it.

Fattima Bey: 26:45

I have nothing to follow that with, because you said it all so perfectly, but I am going to ask you to do something a little different. I want you to take a moment and speak specifically to young women in Central and South America, give them some advice, but I want you to do it in Spanish.

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 27:02

Are you sure you want me to say it first in English and then in Spanish?

Fattima Bey: 27:07

You can say it in English first, but I want them to hear it in Spanish.

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 27:12

I am actually going to read something that I have in my desk and I give it to my clients every day, and then I will translate it in Spanish Never forget how worthy you are, exactly as you are right now. Believe deeply in your potential, even on the days you doubted. Celebrate what makes you you your quirks, your dreams, your voice. Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Don't chase your goals. Attract them and to let go of what doesn't serve you. You need to set those boundaries. Surround yourself with people who lift you higher and be that person for others too. You have a strength inside that can change the life of everyone around you and inspire others. So go after your dreams with courage and remember you don't have to do it alone. Keep shining, keep growing and always remember you are enough. Now I'm going to do it in Spanish for you¿ Cómo Nunca olvides cuánto vales, simplemente como eres en este momento.

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 28:30

Cree en tu potencial, inclusive en los días en los que tienes duda. Celébrate y celebra quién eres tú, con tus defectos, con tus cualidades, con tus sueños y con tu voz. Defectos con tus cualidades, con tus sueños y con tu voz. Quiérete y quiérete suficiente para crear límites para que tus goles, tus sueños vengan hacia ti. Atráelos para que puedas servir a otros. Ten alrededor tuyo gente que te lleve para arriba, que te inspire, así como tú puedes inspirar a otras personas. Tú tienes la fuerza dentro de ti para cambiar el mundo y para inspirar a otros. Anda detrás de tus sueños, consíguelos con coraje y acuérdate tú no estás sola. Sigue brillando, sigue creciendo y sigue siendo suficiente, porque lo eres.

Fattima Bey: 29:32

That was so beautiful. The biggest statement that I got out of there is I love the don't chase your goals, attract them. It's a complete mind shift. Yeah, and it's so. That's such a big deal and it sounds more beautiful in Spanish just saying so. How can people find you?

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 29:53

I'm on Instagram, Claudia Noriega Bernstein. My website has the same name. I take care of my Instagram messenger, so you'll get an answer from me, not from an assistant or AI or whatever from me, not from an assistant or AI or whatever. I like to connect with people in general, but I love to empower young women and moms. I think we are powerful and we can change the world.

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 30:19

We just need to make that decision and we can manifest anything that we want. We just need to be in the right vibration so we start attracting, so we become a magnet to everything that is available for us. Imagine it like if it's a radio If you move the dial and you don't get to that frequency where everything that is available for you is, then you're going to get static. So lift yourself up, believe in yourself, be in touch with your enoughness. It's in you. Just gotta look deep inside and find it so for everyone listening.

Fattima Bey: 30:54

Um, her information is going to be in the show notes so you'll be able to go to her website and I'm gonna say that I strongly urge every listener to go listen to her podcast. Don't shrink, shrink to fit is chock full of really really, really, really good quality conversations. You, you won't listen to it and not be changed at least a little bit. So go listen to her podcast. I'll put a link in the show notes for that as well. And, claudia, thank you so so, so much for coming on. You really are a powerhouse woman and I hope everybody listening sees why.

Claudia Noriega-Bernstein: 31:32

Thank you so much for having me. I enjoy this very much, and I think that women like you and I can embrace each other and start flying, because that's the only way we can do this.

Fattima Bey: 31:50

And now for a mind-shifting moment. Young woman, young, quiet woman, subdued woman, the one who doesn't speak up, the one who stays in her place. I'm talking to you right now. We need you. We need you to speak up. We need what's inside of you. When you sit down and shrink yourself and you don't speak up and you don't let out what's in that big, beautiful mind of yours, you're like buried treasure and we need your gems. You need to discover what gems are in you and go on a treasure hunt to find what's in you, instead of holding it back. This world would turn upside down if all of you quiet women would stand up and speak your mind. It's time for a treasure hunt. Thank you for listening. Be sure to follow and subscribe to MindShift Power Podcast on any of our worldwide platforms and be a part of the conversations shaping tomorrow's world. This podcast is just one branch of the MindShift universe. Explore more at FatimaBaycom and always remember there's power in shifting your thinking. See you next week.